lawn mowers and vacuums

The other day I was vacuuming the house and Ishmael (my 2 year old) wanted to help.  So I let him stand in front of me with his little hands on the vacuum and "help" me.  He wasn't a whole lot of help.  In fact I know that the whole thing took me twice as long.  But he was having a blast....and that was really what was important.  He got to feel like he was "mommy's little helper" and I got to see his face light up while doing house work!

It reminded me of that old saying about us believers working with God.  I have heard it said that God is like a man mowing the lawn who lets his child stand in front of him to "push the mower".  Now, I am not a fan of children around lawn mowers and for good reason! (for those of you who don't know my husband lost a leg in a lawn mower accident as a boy) However I do think the point of the story still stands. That when we think we are doing God's work and helping him "mow the lawn" God is doing all the work and He is just letting us help.  I think our call as believers is much simpler than we make it.  And in my case I tend to take too much responsibility upon myself to get the job done.

I have tried to keep this in mind with my fundraising for this adoption.  Bringing our little Simon home will cost around 22,000.00.  Which to me sounds like A LOT.  But I know that it isn't impossible for God.  He has made it clear time and time again. (we have raised 8,000.00 so far)  I know that HE is the one raising the money.  HE is the one guiding hearts to give of their extra income to help us bring Simon home.  The other day my friend, in response to a large sum of money coming in said, "see, now are you done worrying about fundraising?"  I wish I could confidently say, YES.  However I am still a sinner and I still struggle with the faith to move mountains. Which is really sad.  I am not the one driving this lawn mower, or vacuum....it is God.  So why do I try so hard to make it happen?

Every night I pray for Simon.  For his heart, for his mind and for our adoption.  But I also pray that God would "help my unbelief".  It is hard for me to give up control.  And an international adoption is not something where you ever really feel in control.  This is a good test for me and clearly a learning experience.  I wish that I would stop trying to push the lawn mower and just walk behind it, safe in the father's arms.   He must look down at me as I strive with all my might to make it go faster and think, "silly Anna, don't you know that I am in control?"

Please keep praying for our hearts.  I can't share it right now but we are trying to make some big decisions and we have hit some walls.  I don't know if these walls are another test in our faith in God's ability to move mountains or just God moving us in a new direction.  Thank you everyone who has supported us through giving, praying or just saying supportive things to us.  Your gifts are grand and they help us move forward, to follow the call of a God with a much bigger plan to love these orphans and bring them into family.

Here are the things that are going on right now that will help us in our fundraising:

1. there is a matching grant of 1,000.00 until the end of December.  We have 550.00 so far, so only 450.00 needs to be donated and we will have not 1,000.00 but 2,000.00 towards our adoption!!!!  You can bring in or mail donations to Trinity Chiropractic 3120 O street Lincoln Ne 68510.  Or donate on my blog (see chip in on right hand side...you pick, one with a tax deduction and one without....(please mail any large donations to either Reece's Rainbow or Trinity to keep paypal from taking a cut!)

2. Our dear friend Natalie, aunt of Grace's Samantha who came home from Simon's orphanage just a few months ago, is making BEAUTIFUL hair combs and jewelry.  Please see her blog for items you might like to purchase for yourself or for any lovely ladies on your Christmas list:  http://pricklythistlecreations.blogspot.com/

3. I have a few hats and some art for sale on my facebook page.  Click here to see the hats and here to see the art.  Thank you to my wonderful friends (Holly on the hats and Daniel on the art) who have created these masterpieces and donated them to my adoption.  

Thank you again for reading, praying and giving!!

Why we are fundraising

I am not a person that can ask for financial help easily, let's just get that information out there. I guess in some ways I am hoping people will want to help us because we aren't adding a child to our home for our own glory. Nor are we desiring to complete our perfect family unit.(not that adopting for that reason is wrong at ALL) I am not struggling with infertility as far as I know :)

We decided to adopt to save a child from life in an institution, one I first learned about through my friend Grace and through this blog.  http://theblessingofverity.com/ While my husband and I are trying to be as open as possible about finding the child we will adopt we have been moving toward adopting from this orphanage, the one the Bulgarian media call "Auschwitz" just a few months ago. We know there have been some improvements however the children in this orphanage still have a long way to go. I was overwhelmed just yesterday by the new pictures and descriptions of children just posted on Reece's Rainbow that are up for adoption from this institution. (you can see them by going to http://reecesrainbow.org/ in the search box type in #11 and you will be shown children from there)

I don't know what I can and can't share and perhaps this will all be removed later. I found these pictures on another person's blog that show the inside of this orphanage. I thought you might like to see them. Go here http://jamesonetwentyseven.weebly.com/adopting-from-bulgaria.html (these photos have been removed.  If you click on background of Simon's Orphanage on my page you will find some articles and pictures of conditions in pleven)

I also found this story on a different blog, while it is not about the place I visited, I really identified with how this mom felt about leaving these kids behind. http://www.nogreaterjoymom.com/2010/06/i-left-my-heart-there.html

Adopting from Bulgaria costs about 22,000.00 give or take a couple thousand, which when you are talking about this big of a number what is a couple thousand either way? I would LOVE to raise it all, however we are also willing to take out some loans as well.  Thanks so family and friends we have been able to raise over 7,000 which has taken us this far.  (We have paid off our home study and our commitment fees.  We have also made 2 agency fees!!)

So I am just hoping that if you feel so led you might want to be a part of helping us free an orphan from this institution by donating to our cause. There is a box in the top right hand corner of this page where you can donate through paypal. You could also mail us a check at 2740 R street Apt 2 Lincoln Ne 68503.  We also have a link to our Reece's rainbow family profile.  Your donation will be tax deductible if you donate through RR.  If you mail a check to RR we will get all of the money, there are fees if you use your credit card....sadly.

I did some math that I found interesting...Now we all now that not every friend of ours on facebook is really a "close friend". Especially if you have my personality or view facebook simply as a networking place :). I have 698 "friends" on facebook. If each of them donated 32.00 my adoption would be fully funded. Isn't that crazy???  (I posted this on my facebook page and had a little over 15 facebook friends send me 32.00 or more!!)

A Pleven Update

I wanted to share with you all an update on things at Simon's orphanage.  Many of you donated money when Grace and I went to there for diapers and formula.  We ended up having about $2,000 leftover and we donated it to the Pleven Fund for nurses to be staffed at the orphanage (on the 6th floor).  So some of you have contributed to the great things happening right now.  God is doing amazing things there.  Pray he will keep healing the children and that he will bring more adoptive families to take these kids home.

Here is the link:
http://theblessingofverity.com/2012/10/to-god-be-the-glory-pleven-update/

Here is the story copy and pasted from the blog link above.



Friends, may I present to you, with tears of joy, the latest and greatest update on the Pleven baby house, copied by permission from Shelley Bedford’s blog:

Last week, Toni, who is the director of the Bulgarian non-governmental organization responsible for overseeing the Pleven Medical Fund (PMF), went to Pleven to visit with the new director and to see, first hand, the changes that have taken place at the Pleven orphanage. I am very pleased to report that there have been MANY WONDERFUL CHANGES since Dr. Georgieva took over as the director of the orphanage. She is truly working for the good of the children and making a lot of very positive changes at the orphanage. She has a HUGE job ahead of her and she continues to need a lot of help to fund all the necessary projects that need to be completed to ensure that ALL of the children living at the orphanage in Pleven have all of their needs met. There are so many older children who suffered YEARS of neglect and the condition that they are in as a result of that won’t be fixed quickly.

Below is a report of some of the positive changes that have already happened, some of the changes that are in the process of happening and future projects that we will be seeking donations for:

Changes that have already been made:
1.) One of the first changes Dr. Georgieva made was to the kitchen staff. The entire staff was fired and replaced by a staff that would make feeding the children good quality food a priority. The glass beer bottles used to feed the children are GONE. The liquid mixtures of flour and low calorie liquids are GONE. The children are being fed high quality solid foods. All the children that are capable are being taught to eat from a spoon and they are fed foods with as thick of a texture as they can tolerate. The children who still require bottle feeding are fed while sitting upright and given time to digest their food. Their caloric intake has been increased to an acceptable amount needed so that they can grow and gain weight. GONE are the days of the children having a bottle shoved in their mouth while they were lying flat on their back. GONE are the days of the quick 2-3 minute feedings. The staff is required to take time feeding each child individually and this is monitored. How is it monitored? Well, that is the next positive change!

2.) Dr. Georgieva installed CAMERAS throughout the orphanage to monitor the staff’s interactions with the children. This allows her to watch the children being fed, how the staff is holding the children, how often diapers are being changed….and when staff members are sitting around chatting and not working with kids. All of this is being strictly monitored. As you can imagine, not everyone is happy about this change. There has been some staff turn over as Dr. Georgieva works to ensure that only people who truly want to be there caring for the children are on staff.

3.) All the children are having their diapers changed 5-6 times a day at a minimum. Again, this is monitored using the cameras and the director is holding the staff accountable for this as well. For those interested in donating money designated specifically for diapers, this can now be done through the PMF. The diapers will be purchased and given to the orphanage and an official donation receipt will be issued by the orphanage, translated and provided to the donor. If you are interested in doing this, after you make the donation to the PMF, please send me a copy of the Paypal invoice via email (shele337@gmail.com) so that I can ensure that the correct amount is designated specifically for diapers and that you receive a donation certificate after the diapers are purchased.
All donations to the PMF are tax deductible through Eli Project.

4.) If you’ve seen any photos of children that were recently adopted from Pleven (particularly, the older children), one thing that is pretty noticeable is the horrible condition their teeth are in. This was a result of the lack of nutrition and the lack of dental care. EVERY SINGLE CHILD in the orphanage has now seen a dentist (this is paid for by their National Health Insurance) and the children who need it will receive appropriate dental care.

5.) Many of the older children have osteoporosis as a result of years of malnutrition. Dr. Georgieva is in the process of beginning treatment for this. The PMF is covering the cost to have all the children tested for osteoporosis. These tests are being conducted this month. Once the results are back, all the children that have a confirmed diagnosis of osteoporosis will begin treatment for it. The estimated cost for this is $1,000, though an exact amount won’t be known until all the testing is complete. The medication required to treat the children diagnosed with osteoporosis will be covered by the Bulgarian National Health Insurance and treatment will continue for as long as it is needed.

6.) The PMF is currently working to fund a vehicle for the orphanage. This vehicle is used specifically for transporting children to medical appointments, to the hospital if they are sick, etc. The vehicle that was previously owned and used by the orphanage to transport children broke down about a month ago. The vehicle was assessed by a mechanic and it would cost more to repair the vehicle than to replace it with a different (used) vehicle. Since this vehicle is used to meet medical needs, the director asked if the PMF could help with this expense. Estimates have been received and the total amount needed to fully pay for a vehicle to be used by the orphanage for medical appointments is $2,848, which includes having the new vehicle assessed by a mechanic, purchasing the vehicle, paying the notary that does all the legal paper work and paying for the title. $1715 of that has already been raised through a fundraiser conducted by [Makayla's mom] Susan in which she was raising money for her own adoption from Pleven and pledged to give any money donated above the amount she needed to the PMF specifically to help pay for the vehicle. So, the remaining amount needed to cover the vehicle is $1133. Since over $1700 has already been raised for this purchase, the vehicle has been secured and is already at the orphanage for use to transport the children to medical appointments. Donations can be made through the PMF to help cover the cost of the vehicle. Here are some photos of what it looks like:



7.) Dr. Georgieva has installed a GPS in the vehicle. This is so that she can strictly monitor where the vehicle goes to ensure that it is only used to transport the children to medical appointments and not being abused by the staff for personal use.

8.) Nurses have been interviewed and approved by the director to work on the 6th floor. The money to pay the salaries of these two nurses was raised through another non-governmental organization (not the PMF) and these nurses will start work as soon as the contracts are signed with the non-governmental organization. Both ladies are well qualified and eager to work with the children. One of them is even a foster parent! They are both Christians and are ready to be the hands and feet of Christ while working with the children on the 6th floor. The money was raised to cover the salary of both nurses for an entire year.

9.) Dr. Georgieva is working to establish a standard of care and expected schedule for the Babas and therapists that work at the orphanage under contract with other non-governmental organizations. She is working to ensure that these people are actually doing the job that they are being paid for and the children are receiving the maximum benefit of having these people in the orphanage each day. In the future, there will be an opportunity to fund Babas and other staff members through the PMF. However, at this time, Dr. Georgieva has asked for time to get the currently employees all working efficiently before adding any additional personnel.

10.) Dr. Georgieva has brought in a physical therapist from the University Hospital in Pleven to evaluate all the children. This physical therapist has volunteered her time and evaluation services. The doctor has made the recommendation that each child with special needs such as cerebral palsy (and any other child with a physical disability or physical delays) receives one hour of physical therapy every single day. This includes massages, positioning and the use of therapy equipment. She is helping to set up a physical therapy schedule for the children to ensure that every child who needs therapy is receiving it.

Current projects that need funding:
Dr. Georgieva has set a goal to bring EVERY CHILD in the orphanage out of their crib and down to the dining room for meal time. She wants to set it up so that at meal-times, the caretakers and the Babas will take all the healthy kids and all the kids with special needs who physically could be brought down to the dining room to eat. That would mean getting them out of the cribs, diversifying the environment of the children and teaching them that the place where you sleep is not a place where you also eat. That will also provide some walking to the kids and some change in their routine. Most importantly, that will teach them the right way of eating, being independent with spoons and get rid as much as possible of the bottles. The director is not aiming at anything luxurious or huge, she just wants to make it a cozy, bright place, as it should be for children. Several things need to be done in order for this to happen:
1.) The dining room must be completely renovated. This is what the dining room looks like now:







For THREE DECADES, it has been used as a storage room. It is in desperate need of repairs. A quote has been given for the cost to make the repairs to the dining room. This includes: removing all the old sinks and buying new ones and installing them/getting them operational; removing the old paint from the walls; ground coat of all walls; painting of all walls; removing the old windows which leak and are broken, buying new ones and installing them, replacing the doors and the lights and any other repairs that are needed to make the dining room functional. The total cost for this, which includes supplies and labor, is $1,800.
We have stepped out in faith and said, “People will step up and fund this,” and the work to clear out the dining room has already started this week.

2.) Adaptive high chairs are needed for the children with physical disabilities to sit in while in the dining room. These can be purchased for $60-100 each. Due to the fact that there are many children with cerebral palsy and other disabilities that physically limit the children’s movement, several adaptive high chairs are going to be needed in order to accommodate all the children.
$3,000 could renovate the dining room AND provide 12 adaptive high chairs so that EVERY CHILD at Pleven could be brought out of their crib and down to the dining room for meals.
If you’d like to make a donation toward the dining room renovation project, tax deductible donations can be made through Eli Project for the PMF.
Additional needs:
The orphanage needs several gait trainer walkers for use with the children. These walkers support the children’s chest while working with them on building strength and mobility. These are especially important for the older children. Dr. Georgieva is currently pricing gait trainer walkers and donations will be accepted to cover the purchase of these as well.
The final recommendation from the University doctor who has done the physical therapy evaluations is the purchase of four specific therapy devices to be used on the children with cerebral palsy, paralysis and those with disabilities that cause respiratory or lung issues. The total cost for these 4 devices, including a 2 year warranty on each device, transportation/shipping cost to get them from Sofia (where they have to be purchased from) and training on how to use the devices for the staff is $5,200. If you’d like to make a donation toward the purchase of these devices, you can do so through the PMF.
Just as a general update on how the money from the PMF has been spent to date:
Children from the orphanage are continuing to go to Tokuda for evaluations and treatment. Surgeries are being performed, children are being fitted for orthopedic shoes and splints (and these are being purchased through the PMF), blood tests, genetics test, metabolic tests, CT scans, lenses for cataract surgeries and any other medically necessary procedures are being done. Dr. Georgieva has also found doctors at the University Hospital in Pleven that are willing to provide some treatments and testing for the children at a reduced price. This option is being explored as a possibility to meet some more of the immediate needs and the medical expenses for some of the younger children that are not suffering from malnutrition and only need immediate medical care/testing, so that travel to Sofia is not required.
There is $20,600 remaining in the PMF as of the end of last week.
Now that the medical needs of the children are being met and the nutritional needs are being addressed, Dr. Georgieva has begun looking forward to what her DREAM is for the orphanage.

We asked her for her “wish list” and this is what she said:
1.) Renovating the day center, which is where the Babas and caregivers take the children to play, by adding new educational toys and learning items that have a specific purpose in improving the development of the children
2.) A sensory room
3.) A physical therapy ROOM (renovating the current space): to be equipped with a ball pit, floor to ceiling mirrors and other items used specifically for motor development
4.) Oxygen treatment equipment for the children with severe medical needs that require oxygen in order to live

Just as a side note to these “dream” items and how many children would benefit from them, since we are often asked how many children currently live in this particular orphanage:
The orphanage has 3 different “sections” that fall under Dr. Georgieva’s care. One section is what most people typically think of as a “baby orphanage”…the place where orphans from birth to age 3-4 live until they are old enough to be transferred on to the “older child orphanage” in Pleven. The second section is the older children with special needs. This is why there are older children at this orphanage. These children all have some type of medical issue or more serious special need and they stay in this section at Pleven instead of being transferred to an institution. The third section is a mother and child section. Here, mothers come with their newborns and live there. They learn how to care for their child and have the child’s physical and medical needs met. The goal of this section of the orphanage is to teach these mothers how to meet the needs of their new baby. Sadly, Dr. Georgieva reports that many of these mothers still end up leaving their babies at the orphanage. Thankfully, Bulgaria has a very active domestic adoption program, so the newborns who are healthy are adopted very quickly. The babies with special needs stay at the orphanage longer. Those with more significant special needs that are rejected by Bulgarian families for adoption are eventually registered for international adoption. Since there are 3 different sections to this orphanage, MANY children would benefit from all the proposed changes to the orphanage.
We are THRILLED to see so many positive changes happening at Pleven. The need is still great and there is still much work to be done. There are several projects that will need funding over the next year and we are praying that people will step out and offer the financial support needed to see this complete overhaul of the conditions at this orphanage come to fruition. It is a BIG job, but it can be done with the prayer and support of many.
I have debated sharing this part of the update that I received, but I believe that it is just as important as all of the rest:
We are asking for those who believe accordingly to PRAY for Dr. Georgieva and the work that she is doing. MANY changes have been made and much work has been done. Not everyone is happy with what she is doing. There are people who thought that nothing was wrong with the previous conditions at Pleven. There are many who still think that the children are not worth it. There are those standing in the background watching…and hoping that Dr. Georgieva fails at what she is doing. She still faces opposition to the changes. SHE IS IN THE TRENCHES fighting for the children of Pleven and she needs the prayers of Christians to lift her up as she continues the fight. Even if you can not provide a monetary donation toward all the projects happening at Pleven, you can pray for the director, for the children and for all the good things that are in the works to come to fruition so that the CHILDREN of Pleven reap the benefits of all that is being done.
As a final recap, the current needs through the PMF are:
1.) The remainder of the funds for the vehicle: $1,133
2.) The dining room renovation: $1,800
3.) Adaptive high chairs for the dining room: $1,200
4.) Physical therapy equipment: $5,200
As quickly as these financial needs are met, we will begin working with Dr. Georgieva on her “dream” list!
~Shelley Bedford

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.”
“…our God is in heaven; He does whatever He pleases.”
“For of Him, and through Him, and to Him are all things.  To Him be the glory forever, Amen.“


Bonus Post Script–
Susanna:  Shelley, as I prepare to re-post your Pleven update, I am anticipating a question I know I will receive, and I’d like to have an answer ready. If there is still over $20K in the PMF, why can’t these other expenses you listed be drawn from that existing fund?
Shelley:  We have discussed that at length. It actually CAN be used, since all of these things are related to meeting the medical needs of the children. However, our fear was that people would get mad if we used that money for something other than paying hospital/actual medical expenses, since that was how we said we would use it when we asked for those initial donations. We’ve tried very hard to maintain the integrity of the PMF with accountability, so we didn’t want to spend money that was donated for hospital care to go for something else.

You have no idea how much we agonized about that.  It would have been SO easy to just spend the money in the account for everything that the orphanage needs. But, that wasn’t what it was donated for…and I am PRAYING that people will give for all of these projects too.

Susanna:  I hope people are impressed with HOW FAR their money will go! What was the original total given to the PMF?
Shelley:   $36,580 was the initial deposit into the fund. $16K has gone a LONG way!!! I told Toni that here in the US, one hospitalization for one child that included X-rays, tests and a surgery would go over that amount in a DAY!

Brokenness and a song

I am feeling a little broken today...I am not sure if that makes it a good blogging day or not but I will do it anyway.

My life currently seems to be a mix of fundraising, running from grief and fear and filling out paperwork.  To be honest for the past few days I have been feeling like a failure at all of those things and have mostly been moving through the motions of life while only being "in it" when I play with my son Ishmael.  I love him so much and he brings me so much joy.  When I play with him I sometimes find myself wondering how Simon will fit into our lives.  How long will it be before we will be able to play cars with Simon on the living room floor?  I know it will be a while before we get him home but I find myself wondering how long once we have him home will it be before we can teach him to play?  And then I think of how much I love both my sons but how hard it is to let myself love Simon because I can't rescue him yet.  And the more I love him the more I must face the fact that he is being abused and neglected right now.

I wonder a lot about his brokenness.  Physically and mentally.  We have committed to him so of course we will love him no matter what...that is not my issue.  I think about where we might start in his development...getting him to eat from a bottle, teaching him to sit up, teaching him to crawl?  It seems bizarre to picture yourself needing to do these things with an 8 year old child.  And this brings me back to my grief.

I am a mess of tears and emotions thinking about the kids in Simon's orphanage.  My world has been rocked this week by a new understanding of their abuse.  It is hard to know the truth about how badly these children have been abused.  Knowing that truth makes it all the harder to function in daily society.  When I tell people about our adoption and they ask me questions, such shallow questions, questions that make me want to scream the truth to them.  But then there are others days when I think, lucky for them, they can live without knowing the horrors of the orphan.  They don't spend days and nights weeping for them.  They can go about their business without thinking about the crib that holds THEIR child.  Wondering how they will ever get enough money to break them out of their cell.

I have this same problem when people talk about their possessions or their money.  Because I need money.  I need other people's money.  I have gone into this adoption praying God will provide the $22,000.  I will admit that I struggle to just let God handle this whole thing.  I know he is in control...but I still need to do my part.  And what is my role in fundraising?  How do I keep asking people for money?  OR how do I stop myself from putting a hand out to people who seem to have a lot of money?  Don't tell me any stories about having a lot of cash or you will cause me to sin!!!

I wrote a song a few weeks ago.  I went through a box of kleenx while writing it.  It is a song for Simon.  I had just read about a family whose children died in the orphanage before they were able to get her home.  I began to have fear creep in about Simon's health and his condition.  To be honest we don't know how much time we will get to have him in our lives.   I have a video of me singing the song but I couldn't get it uploaded to you tube.  Perhaps I will figure that out soon and share it with you.  I do plan on recording an album to sell....as a fundraiser.  (I feel like i need to sell everything that isn't nailed down)

I think that a lot of internationally special needs adoptive parents must be going through the feelings that my husband and I are.  I am hoping that God will give me songs that will help them on their journey as well.  Because I know that crying through music helps me to process, grieve and feel.  So here is to that.  Please pray more music will come and that eventually God will use it to help fund Simon's adoption!

Here are the song lyrics:  Here is a video of my song:

Eyes that once scared me
now break my heart
this is how this mother's love
is going to start
Do you hear me my son?  I'm praying
Do you hear me my son? I'm calling.
Do you hear me my son? I'm coming for you.

I know your body's broken
but I don't know whats wrong
I pray to God to comfort you
because my arms just aren't that long

Do you hear me my son?  I'm praying
Do you hear me my son? I'm calling.
Do you hear me my son? I'm coming for you.

Sometimes I am scared to love you
because I know it will hurt
but it can't hurt worse than what
they've already done to you

Do you hear me my son?  I'm praying
Do you hear me my son? I'm calling.
Do you hear me my son? I'm coming for you.

I'm on my way
I'm on my way
I will be there
I am coming

I'm on my way
I'm on my way
I will be there
I am coming

Won't you hold on?
Won't you hold on?
I will be there
I am coming.......for you.

When life gives you apples….make applesauce.

 [FYI: I started writing this blog several weeks ago..I decided it was time to finish and post..and a disclaimer for our family-- this post is griefy]


A few weekends ago the apple fairy came by our place and blessed us with the biggest box of apples I have ever seen in my life.  (We often have fairies that come by and leave food on our porch for our community and neighbors.  Whoever you are, I thank you, you are a blessing!!!)  At first I didn’t know how we were ever going to use or eat that many apples.  I am not a person that likes to see food go to waste, but I am also not a person that really knows what to do to prevent it.  My sister-in-law happened to be by and she said, “Those look like good applesauce apples; my mother makes great applesauce every year." So I called up my mother-in-law and we invaded her house and spent six hours making applesauce.  As we dug into the box, we found some less than desirable apples.  And we found quite a few large worms digging their way through as we cut.  But in the end we made something sweet and new out of the apples, something that we can freeze and use later.

Grief can be a little like a large box of apples dropped on your porch.  You don’t really see it coming, but once it arrives you have to deal with it before it gets worse, before it eats you from the inside out like a worm in the apple box.  Dealing with grief is a process and I really wish it was as simple and uniform as making applesauce.  It is hard and painful to face but I can say with certainty that you aren’t going to end up with anything sweet at the end if you don’t face the pain and work through it.

A few weeks ago Jon’s dad spoke at our church.  His message was about when good news and bad news enter your life at the same time.   His example was from the story of  David and his son Absolom.  Absolom was taking over David’s kingdom and they were at war.  When David’s men defeated Absolom’s men, David found out that they had won the war but also that his son was dead.  David began to mourn, and after a time his men came to him to say that he needed to stop mourning and take the throne--that otherwise his kingdom would fall apart.   Sam (Jon’s dad) talked about how even though David was mourning, he still needed to do what God had called him to do.  

We lost Jon’s brother on Feburary 8, 2010.  As a family we spent weeks in a hospital praying for his recovery, but in the end he passed away.  Although two years have passed, at times it is hard to keep moving forward.  We have felt called to adopt a child out of Pleven, yet each child we look at has a long list of health conditions.  This triggered grief for us.  What might we have to face when we brought a child home?  Would we spend weeks in the hospital again?  Would it end like the last time?  Should we put our son, our parents, and our siblings through this experience with us?  It was a lot to work through and a lot to talk through.  Many tears were shed.  Sam's message at church seemed to say to us that we can’t let our fear about the past keep us from doing what God has called us to do.  So we decided to move forward and adopt the child who had forced us to face some of our grief demons.   But then loss struck again.  The child we had hoped for, prayed for and imagined in our home already had a family.  How could this be?  We already felt so close to him.  We had already spent days and weeks talking about him, pouring over his file and letting him into our hearts. I found myself taking a few weeks off of reading adoption blogs, looking at children, or, sadly, even working on paperwork.  I needed time to heal. 

I think advocating for these kids, the special needs orphans, especially ones in Pleven, can be a journey through grief.  It has been for me.  Jon and I were talking about it and he said that normally you grieve something that you have lost.  And I said that I grieve for what all the children have lost.  Their chance at a life outside of a crib.  Their chance at growing and being fed and experiencing love. Their lives that have been stolen from them.   I remember after our David died feeling like the world was spinning madly and I couldn’t understand why because it felt like time had stopped for us.  I was amazed that people could be carrying on about their business.  Everything seemed trivial in light of life and death.  I feel that way about the kids in Pleven.  I visited a church a few weeks ago and felt annoyed that we were all sitting their talking about our sins when there were kids starving to death.  That is when I realized I might be working through some grief.

Like I said before, grief is something you have to work through and like the box of apples, there are lots of layers.  We are not done working through our grief about David, about hospitals and about our prayers going unanswered.  The layers are deep and the triggers are numerous.  As you know, we got a second chance to adopt the child we had been praying about, and we have named him Simon.  (Simon, means "to hear" or "to be heard".  God has heard his cries and we will bring him home.)  A new grief is now coming on.  The grief of loving a child who has been hurt, mistreated, abandoned and forgotten.  And the grief of adding another member to our family that will never know his uncle David.  I have been stuffing this grief down into my heart, and like the box of apples, the worming tears of grief are making their way out to the surface. 


My one hope is that this time when I grieve, I am not blaming God.  I know that He is so clearly in this process.  I have been watching Him work to free these children and I feel blessed to be apart of what He is doing.  As the funds come pouring in for our adoption I feel His comfort and healing and I feel His love through every person who helps us along the way.  Does it lesson the pain?  No, not really, but it gives the pain a purpose and it gives me hope that God is taking these worm filled apples and making them into something sweet.  It is just going to take a lot longer than six hours to cut, cook and crank out.

Ways to support..because that sounds better than fundraising :)

I have been so busy preparing for a fundraiser this weekend I haven't even posted it on our blog!

If you are local and you haven't heard about the event on facebook, here are the details.  My friend's missional community decided to throw a garage sale for my adoption.  All proceeds will go toward bringing Simon home!


When:
          Thursday Sept 27th  8am-4pm
           Friday Sept 28th  8am-4pm
           Saturday Sept 29th 8am-12pm

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Now if you don't live locally, don't fret.  I have another friend who makes items you could buy as gifts and then have shipped!

Check out my friend Priscella's etsy:   http://www.etsy.com/shop/ByGraceProject
She makes wonderful things and sells them in order to give the money away!  I am blessed to have her as part of my church community and she has a heart for reece's rainbow and also our adoption.  Be assured your baby can look cute while being a social activist!

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Live Locally but busy this weekend?  What about the next?

Next weekend I will be selling baked goods and coffee at circle ME's Rediaper Sale.

Location:  3120 O street
                Lincoln Ne 68510
When: Saturday October 6th  10am-3pm

Other items:  We will also these items for sale:  Earrings handmade by my friend Jeanne, Some of my friend Priscella's baby items and also, if I get them done, wool dryer balls!

Just in case you don't know.  I work for Trinity Chiropractic which owes circle ME.  circle ME is a cloth diaper natural family store.  It is great.  Come check out the store and by something to eat....made for you by my friend Daniel.  He is an AMAZING baker...and happens to live in my wonderful community.

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I am working on my poster tonight.  Once I have it done I will be ready to do presentations anywhere you will have me.  Would you like your church or friend group to hear more about what is happening in Simon's orphanage, what God is doing to get kids out and what you can do to help?  Well then invite me out...I will only cost what you are willing to donate to my adoption...(and travel fees if you invite me from afar!! )

I hope to give you a real blog soon!  I do want to report that I was praying for a small amount that God would provide at the garage sale and he has already brought me almost half and the sale hasn't started!  Praise the Lord.  It sure is fun to be doing something that He supports so heavily.

Commitment to "Peyton"

Well friends this story is a long time coming...I apologize for that!  But since many of you saw my whirl wind last week of fundraising and paperwork I thought I should explain how everything went down.  I have another blog in the works explaining more in detail the emotional work that went into our decision to adopt this particular child but I thought I should go in more of an overview order to start.  So it goes.  (my writing doesn't seem to be as witty at 4am..but blogging is so much more productive than watching tv at this hour.)

When we first saw the pictures of Peyton on Reece's Rainbow, they honestly scared us.  His file came out with a batch of kids that to us, seemed to have medical issues that we wouldn't be able to help with.  We looked over his file and his pictures and thought, that is too much.  I remember at the time thinking perhaps we need to just look for a nice Down Syndrome child from another place.

Something happened however over time.  We ended up feeling emotionally connected to the pictures of Peyton.  Then we started feeling less and less scared about his medical issues and more and more desirous of holding and feeding this sad looking boy.  We talked endlessly about every angle, with each other, with our families and with our community.  Then we gave ourselves a deadline.  We asked our agency to hold his file for us.....then after the weekend we emailed to say YES.  And they said NO.  And we said WHAT THE ?  So that was hard.

It seems that while were considering and even while we were asking for a hold (which wasn't even possible because we didn't have the file at the time!) there was another family submitting commitment documents at the same time.  We were heartbroken to say the least.  My adoption agency reminded me that we should keep working on all our paperwork and things so that next time we were ready to commit we would have all of it done.  But I couldn't really bear to do anything adoption related.  I stopped reading blogs and I stopped working on gathering the rest of our home-study paperwork.  I also stopped trying to fund raise.  (oddly, money kept coming...thanks God!)  Then one day at work I clicked on a link to a blog I had been reading right up until my agency said, "he already has a family committing".  (www.nogreaterjoymom.com)  And there was Peyton's face and above it were the words, "I found that as of today he is adoptable".

I freaked out at this point.  I emailed and called my agency.  I called Jon.  I texted Grace.  I called Jon.  I called Jon again.  Why wasn't my husband answering his phone?  I texted Deb.  Someone, where is my husband?  Eventually Deb and Madi knocked on the window to our bedroom until my husband woke up from his nap! (ah community)  The poor guy really thought something horrible had happened.  By the time I got him on the phone he was so shocked that I wasn't saying someone was in the hospital that he didn't have a reply.  But he did say go for it.  That night I found out which agency had his file and I confirmed, yes he is adoptable.

The next morning I talked to Lifeline (my agency) and they told me everything I needed to get done.  I also needed to pay them the $1,200 agency fee and Jon and I needed to do an hour phone interview with them.  Then we needed to pay Bulgaria 1,365.00 (ish) to submit the commitment paperwork.  At this point I was kicking myself for not doing anything for 2 weeks.  That is when my pleas began on my facebook page for donations toward my adoption.  And people responded!!!!  Praise the LORD.

So we submitted the paperwork, it is in Bulgaria being translated.  I have had some wonderful help along the way.  Here is a picture I got from the mom who met  Petyon recently.  

I find it so hard to think about the fact we have a new child, that I don't really know, who lives thousands of miles away and who is being neglected.  It is almost too painful to let in.  Tuesday will be his birthday, he will be eight years old.  I wish I could hold him and tell him he won't be alone anymore...but my arms are too short.  I have been praying that God, with his infinitely long arms, would do that job for me.  God please help him eat, give someone there they patience to get calories into his frail body.  Let him weigh more than 18 pounds when we go to pick him up.

and why should you donate to my adoption?

I am not a person that can ask for financial help easily, let's just get that information out there. I guess in some ways I am hoping people will want to help us because we aren't adding a child to our home for our own glory. Nor are we desiring to complete our perfect family unit.(not that adopting for that reason is wrong at ALL) I am not struggling with infertility as far as I know :)

We decided to adopt to save a child from life in an institution, one I first learned about through my friend Grace and through this blog.  http://theblessingofverity.com/ While my husband and I are trying to be as open as possible about finding the child we will adopt we have been moving toward adopting from this orphanage, the one the Bulgarian media call "Auschwitz" just a few months ago. We know there have been some improvements however the children in this orphanage still have a long way to go. I was overwhelmed just yesterday by the new pictures and descriptions of children just posted on Reece's Rainbow that are up for adoption from this institution. (you can see them by going to http://reecesrainbow.org/ in the search box type in #11 and you will be shown children from there)

I don't know what I can and can't share and perhaps this will all be removed later. I found these pictures on another person's blog that show the inside of this orphanage. I thought you might like to see them. Go here http://jamesonetwentyseven.weebly.com/adopting-from-bulgaria.html

I also found this story on a different blog, while it is not about the place I visited, I really identified with how this mom felt about leaving these kids behind. http://www.nogreaterjoymom.com/2010/06/i-left-my-heart-there.html

Adopting from Bulgaria costs about 22,000.00 give or take a couple thousand, which when you are talking about this big of a number what is a couple thousand either way? I would LOVE to raise it all, however we are also willing to take out some loans as well. However we have already invested about 1, 700.00 of our savings and we need about 1,500.00 more to complete our home study so we can apply for the loan. (amazingly we are close to having this amount raised!!) Our next big amount is 1,200.00 to the adoption agency and then 1,000.00 to put the commitment paper work through in Bulgaria. Then another agency fee of 1,200.00 will be due.

So I am just hoping that if you feel so led you might want to be a part of helping us free an orphan from this institution by donating to our cause. There is a box in the top right hand corner of this page where you can donate through paypal. You could also mail us a check at 2740 R street Apt 2 Lincoln Ne 68503.

I did some math that I found interesting...Now we all now that not every friend of ours on facebook is really a "close friend". Especially if you have my personality or view facebook simply as a networking place :). I have 698 "friends" on facebook. If each of them donated 32.00 my adoption would be fully funded. Isn't that crazy???

While we haven't committed to a child yet there is one we are pretty interested in. To give you an idea of who you MIGHT be helping us adopt and the need. We are looking at a 8 year old who is 18 pounds. Yes EIGHT years old at EIGHTEEN pounds.
The need is real and we need your help to make a child's rescue a reality. thanks so much!

the gospel message

We all live in our own insular communities.  We tend to surround ourselves with like minded individuals, hopefully a well chosen group that we have selected because we respect their values.  When we find more and more people who are like us, I think it becomes easy to believe that everyone shares your point of view....however this is just not true.

Tonight we heard a message about the gospel being the good news of Jesus not the bad news of sinning.  The point was that we are supposed to be sharing Jesus with other people and then allowing the truth of who he is and the power of God's spirit to change their life.  However some where along the way the message has turned into, you are a sinner, you deserve hell but Jesus can save you from it.  Yet this isn't really the way the gospel was preached in the bible.

Now the word gospel itself means good news.  I wish there was a word for bad news.  I feel like in the past few months I have been spreading the bad news of the plight of orphans.  I've brought all types of people to tears with the truth of the orphanage I have visited.  I have converted friends into Reece's rainbow junkies; they have have taken on the sorrowful habit of scrolling through Reece's rainbow to look at the kids.  (if you would like to start go here, http://reecesrainbow.org/ and click on waiting children, you might like to start with newly listed, you get a wide variety that way)  I wasn't so easily converted, it really took me agreeing to go there with Grace when my heart began to change.  Up until then I really didn't want to hear about Pleven, I thought Grace must be exaggerating, even while I was there, there were times I doubted.  But I have since seen the light, I have been converted to know the truth, the truth that there are children who have been neglected, left alone in their cribs, rejected by their mothers, silenced because the deaf world wouldn't hear them and killed because they couldn't swallow their sludge fast enough. 

Newly converted Christians often go about sharing the good news of their faith to everyone they meet.  They don't care if people think they are crazy because the love of God is so good and so important that they must share it with the world.  Nothing else really matters, everything ties back to it and therefore Christ is all they talk about.  Loving orphans can be like that.

When we were first going on our trip and people would hear my words and then ask what can we do?  I had something to give them at that point.  you can give us money for food and diapers.  I had a tangible real think that could be done to help the children.  But then we were there and while diapers and food is what they physically need, they need so much more.  I left Pleven heartbroken.  I listened to patty Griffin"s song forgiveness.  I imagined the kids saying these words,

"And the planes keep flying right over our heads
No matter how loud we shout
"Hey, hey, hey !"
And we keep waving and waving
Our arms in the air
But we're all tired out"

It was so hard leaving them behind.  I felt really helpless, what could I do for them??  So there was a relief that came after Jon and I talked a lot and decided we were being called to adopt.  There was now something tangible we could do.  There was something we could give our life to that would make a difference, at least for 1 child. Or perhaps more???  I have heard that there are others like me that are adopting because of Grace's life and story.

So now we are on the adoption journey as converted orphan lovers living in a community of orphan junkies.  We can all cry together and support each other and thinking and praying about the children.  However, when we step outside our community sometimes it becomes harder.  At times I feel like I am wading through sludge.  When asked how I am doing, do I lie?  Because I am tired of talking to those who have not yet seen the light?  Because often those people feed into the fears of adoption.  They have good intentions but like the many Christians that have begun preaching only of heaven and hell and not jesus and resurrection, our adoption turns inwardly focused.  The bad news of the orphan is seemingly forgotten in all of the questions, is this good for your family?  Is this good for your son?  Can you handle this disability?

But my question is what about the child?

Penny is 11 years old and weighs just 21 pounds. She’s been confined to a bed her entire life in an orphanage where she received little interaction or care. She is still fed from a bottle and cared for very much like a baby. She has never had the opportunity to reach her full potential.

 Payton is currently almost 8 years old and weighs just 17 pounds. 
I can't show you a more current picture.  But please know that his arms and legs look like sticks. And he looks so, so very sad.   And why wouldn't he?

They are shouting, they are reaching out for families...but they are all tired out.  What is more important my family's comfort or this child's life?  The truth of the orphans is some bad news...let's stay focused on it and get one of them home!

the bleeding heart

I was talking to a family a few days ago about the children in Pleven.  I was telling them about how children in institutions, and especially this one, had learned over time that no one was coming.  When I was visiting we took some of the kids out to get their visa photos taken.  One of the children fell and hit their head, hard, on the ground.  We heard the sound of it, but the child did not cry.  The child did not react to the pain because they had learned that no one was coming to see if they were okay.

Later that day I was thinking about it in reference to myself.  I thought about how when I was a child I don't think I had many people asking me to share my emotions.  Therefore I have learned to keep them in much to the annoyance of my husband!  So when I get hurt or things get hard I tend to remain silent, fighting the pain  in my own head or "suffering in silence".  If there is one thing that tests a marriage like no other it is international special needs adoption!!  Lately my husband and I seem to always be having serious, life altering conversations about the future of our family. And through it all we arrive at the same conflicts....not the conflict relevant to the conversation at hand, no, the conflict becomes the conversation itself.  Our communication!  My husband comes from a family of verbal processors and conversation initiators.  I however, do not.  So we have worked through lots of differences in our communication styles over the past 4 years but adoption has tested our decision making to the MAX.

I organized all of our paperwork today, we have piles of "to dos".  It was overwhelming but also nice to see just where we are in our process.  I think this stage of international adoption is a little like premarital counseling or perhaps engagement and wedding planning.  (Jon says the worst part of our relationship was the engagement period)  We have so many things to get signed and places to go for fingerprints, and background checks.  I even have to make sure my cats are up to date.  It is stressful, it is a time of change and testing in our relationship with each other, our families and our friends.  However I know that this period of struggle is just to prepare us for the struggles to come.  Tonight this thought was confirmed as I read in Parenting the hurt child these words:

         "Like most people, adoptive parents may have unresolved psychological issues.  Because hurt children  seem to have a "button-locating radar," their parents' issues are generally targeted for exposure, aggravation and agitation.....Everyday spent with a disturbed child heightens parent' awareness of their own issues....."   

So the testing has only begun.  I had someone say tell me the other day how hard this was going to be.  That having a special needs child will test our marriage, our family and our faith.  I don't discount that.  I fully understand that.  They will test me daily, this book said "mercilessly" but in the end I will grow.  My family will grow, my community will grow.  And I don't pretend to be doing this alone.  I know that sometimes my desire to rescue children out of horrid situations and institutions can seem like I am blindly bringing a child into my life that I will strive to rescue with my love, only to discover that love doesn't cure all of their brokenness.  NO, it won't cure them.  My love will not erase years of starvation and neglect.  In fact my love for this child will break me as I am rejected and pushed away by a child who doesn't know what love is.  A child who responds to each situation based on THEIR up bringing. 

I guess that isn't so different from me.  Because I see the world through Anna glasses and I interact with my husband based on my family system and my upbringing that taught me not to share my emotions.  Only I was never left alone in a crib all day long.  My mother came to me when I cried.  She changed my diaper more than once a day and she gave me food.  I had a mother.  She didn't push me away at birth into the arms of an institution that didn't have enough hands to teach me how to stand.

I know this will be hard.  And I know that if you are part of my support system you will be tested as well.  But you know what, I think that is okay.  In fact I think that is good.  Because perhaps it means that we will all learn to give up some of our conveniences daily and think about the atrocities that go on everyday across the globe.  Perhaps we will come to think about others before ourselves and perhaps we will learn that when we let ourselves bleed....our wounds will come clean.

 Please pray we are able to commit to a child soon.  Please pray that the Lord will provide financially for our adoption.  Pray for Grace's safe travel as she goes to pick up her daughter.

pray for this orphan to find a family:

Ian was born in 2005.  he has Marfan Syndrome.  He loves to draw and has recently become interested in memorizing poems and songs. He likes to watch cartoons. He knows all his colors and can count to 10. He knows the seasons and the days of the week.  

 

moving in the right direction

I am feeling pretty good about where we are right.  Through a series of events I am seeing God line some things up for us.  There have been bumps in the road that I am now seeing as God's protection and guidance.  Has this given me enough trust to know he will guide us to the right child??? :)  Well, I guess I am still working on that.  As a couple we are getting closer to commitment.  However I am waiting for one more batch of files to arrive, there is a part of me, perhaps an overly romantic part that thinks there will be a child in there that solves every debate.  But my heart still aches for the kids we would be passing up that we have already spent hours praying for, discussing and picturing in our home.  We have missed several children through this process and it is a very emotional process.

Grace asked me what my biggest fear was in the adoption.  I am not sure what she thought i might say but I am pretty sure my response scared her.  :)  Maybe I over think stuff but I like to think I am just well researched.  And besides if I look at the worst case scenario I will be pleasantly surprised right?  Here it is, my worst fear in adoption, that it will alienate me from my family, that it will bring us into financial ruin and then in turn destroy my marriage and along the way hurt my son irreparably.  Then just to top it off, everyone on the outside of the situation would say, "see this is why we said it was a bad idea".  And the ones on the inside would tell me God was trying to teach me something.

BUT, that is just my fear.  I think in some ways it is good for me to work through it.  At least I know what it is...and in that way I can walk through it and get past it.  I am sure as I see God moving through the adoption I will stop with this silly doubting :)  I have jumped into a lot crazier things in the past and watched God use them...so why not here.  Why is saving an orphan from a horrible institution going to be in different?  Is it the money?

Speaking of money....part of me is kind of excited to plan an adoption fund raiser.  I love planning parties and events.  Perhaps I will finally have my dream show come true.  The one where I invite all my musician friend to come play 4-5 of their songs in whatever side projects they have been working on....while secretly I will have practiced on one of their songs with them and then throughout the show I can come up and play on a song or two.  This was going to be my 30 birthday party but it didn't really work out.  I may not have ever wanted to be a famous musician but I have ALWAYS wanted to be included in my friends side projects.  To be that person they ask to come up on the stage with them.  I just think it would be neat.

But enough about myself.  Here are some orphans you can pray for....pray they find a family and that while they wait they would be getting some love attention from their caregivers.


Millie is 8 years old and has Down Syndrome.


This is Mary Grace she is 5.  She has Cerebral Palsy.


Payton is 8 and has Cerebral Palsy but his main problem right now is malnutrition.  You can't see it in this picture, I have another one but I don't know if I can share it or not, and you can see his tiny tiny arms and legs.  He is in the same orphanage that I visited with Grace.

My heart breaks for the children on Reece's Rainbow, http://reecesrainbow.org/ and the fact they just represent a very SMALL percentage of the orphans that are out there.  You should pick one to think and pray about...it can't hurt.  They have been overlooked for so long why not be their protector from a far?  Shoot, if you pray hard enough that I am their mom, who knows?? :)

The pregnancy perspective

I was talking with a co-worker today about her pregnant belly and I was thinking about the different stages of pregnancy.  I am not going to get scientific here I am just going to talk about what you can and can't see.  There is a point in a woman's pregnancy when she decides to tell the world she is pregnant.  Most women don't wait until people can see it for themselves.  However many women who are concerned about miscarriage will wait until a "safe" zone of pregnancy is passed.  I myself did this when I was pregnant with my son.  I didn't want to have to tell everyone later if I lost him.  I didn't think I could handle that emotionally.  I also know women who have struggled with infertility.  And a woman who is struggling in that area is also not going to announce to the world that she is trying to get pregnant.  Why?  Well the reason is kind of the same.  Because you don't want to end up in a situation when people are asking you repeatedly about something that is already hurting you deeply.

My husband and I have kind of been feeling that way about the adoption process.  We aren't sure when we are supposed to tell people we are adopting.  What if we tell people we are and then we fail the home study and in essence, "lose our baby"?  But international adoption is a different beast because you are hoping people will help you raise support for your adoption. This has been tricky for us too.  We both feel that in order to ask for support we should know who it is that we are adopting.  Yet I am having trouble committing to anyone just yet.  It seems like such a huge decision.  And again, what if we commit to a child (and bite the bullet on the 3,000 agency fee along with the 2,500 home study fee) and we fail to pass our home study?  Or what if we commit to a child, pass the home study and then realize, wait we don't have another 20,000!!!

I know a lot of this sounds like fear AND I know that the only way to get through this is to finish the home study and just find out.  AND that if the Lord allows us to pass the home study $20,000 isn't much to him But that doesn't seem to keep my questioning mind at bay.

I think the one thing the silent woman struggling with infertility or who fears a miscarriage is missing is the support and prayers you receive when you tell people. So here I am saying we are in the "trying to get pregnant" stage of our adoption.  If you would care to pray for that....please do.

Silence

So I haven't written since we have been back.  I had someone tell me the other day that they were waiting for an update and I never wrote one.  Sorry about that.  I think that I had seen my blogging as more of people following Grace's story in Bulgaria and less of people following the story of me. :)

After we got home we donated the rest of the money that was given to us to a fund to pay for nurses to come to Pleven.  (2,352.29 ish).  Grace also started a prayer walk for Sam.  You can read about it on her blog and then participate if you would like.  I found out through my participation that my work really isn't very far from my house. (i walked round trip twice and it was only 3.5 miles...after that I started to ride :))  If I really want to help Grace rack up the walking miles and I am going to have to do more than walk to and from work!

My days have been filled with my family and normal life activities but also with tons of research about orphans and adoption.  I have really been wearing myself out.  I find that I wish I could save all orphans, but I know that I can't.  I dream about adopting but then I start to ask these questions.....who should I adopt? what age should they be? should they be local or international:? should they be Russian or Bulgarian? Should they be older or younger?  Could my choice in this screw up my family?  how would we fund an international adoption?  Should we start this process now?  Why am I doing this?  am I trying to fill a need or are we supposed to do this?

I try to calm myself by researching all the possibilities but to be honest then I get a little overwhelmed.  I have told myself time and time again to stop "shopping for kids". Yet today I spent an hour reading through local foster children's profiles picking out ones that would fit into our home. :(  The book I have been reading has helped me to realize that Jon and I could be really great parents to a kid with some after effects of abandonment and institutionalization.  Jon has told me for years that we would be good at it. But I wanted to hear that from some "experts".  I am not saying it would be easy but I am saying with some research, parenting tips and patients I think we as people could be well equipped.  Perhaps God has prepared us for this?

I want to start my own blog all about this journey I am on but I am also afraid to do that. What if we don't do this?  What if we fail our homestudy?  What if my family tells me I am crazy?  However in many ways it seems weird to me that I am so silent about what is going on in my head.  I read blog after blog of people who are raising awareness about adoption, about Reece's rainbow and about Pleven.  Couldn't I be doing this too?

So if anyone is out there monitoring my blog silence...keep your eyes posted for a new blog...once I commit to a name.  (this too has delayed me)

the power of love

Today at Pleven I watched Sam learn how to play with Grace.  She would copy what Grace was doing and stare at her adoringly.  At one point her eyes seemed to be saying...”what next mom, I can do anything with you here...ANYTHING”.  Sam has gained so much confidence in herself this week.  You can see it all over her.  And what caused this change?  Grace’s love.

As Sam was being taken from Grace today, through her tears Grace asked Mitko to tell the nurse, “take good care of her until I come back”.  The nurse of course said she would, of course she would, Mitko said “she is in good hands they will take great care of her”.  But the truth is, even if they were giving her the best food possible what she needs is love.  We were trying to explain failure to thrive to Mitko earlier in the week.  How these kids need love and stimulation to grow...as much as they need food.

I was reminded of the verse that says, “i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me”.  I think I often thought Christ would just give to strength, I had never analyzed HOW he gives us strength.  Is it not through faith in his LOVE for us that we are saved, redeemed and strengthened?  

I could survive on bread and water but if I didn’t have love where would I be?  We had warned my husband that our returning to the states might be hard for us emotionally.  I think I myself equated it to culture shock when I came home from El Salvador or the Dominican Republic.  After one sees poverty the states look ridiculously wasteful and heartless.  But I was telling Grace that seeing Pleven is a different sort of beast.  In a third world country you see people with nothing BUT their family and friends.  You see a people who have joy in the face of horrible odds.  I would remind myself of this fact when I began to feel bad for what I had and what they didn’t.  But I don’t quite know what to do with leaving children who are not fully loved.

I guess I look at the moments they have when they are shown minimal love and I hope that they feel God when they are all alone.  I hope that when they are rocking themselves they are feeling the peace of the Lord fill them.  I hope that in their head, since they don’t know what else is out there they think life isn’t so bad.  

We saw a few very good Babas that held the children and engaged them but we saw some that did not.  Yes, they took the babies out of their cribs and set toys next to them but they didn’t play with them like Grace played with Sam.  They didn’t find joy in the children like we do in our children at home.  I pray that watching Grace interact with Sam will give them some examples to follow and that they would notice how much Sam changed.  Maybe they would even realize they too could make her laugh. 

We also saw a one nurse who when she came in to see Sam she stooped down to her eye level and she played with her.  Although we don’t know, we think she might have been a nurse from the hospital because her scrubs were colorful, not white like everyone else’s.  We have left over money and we will be using it to fund more nurses like her to work at the Pleven orphanage.  They will work on the 6th floor with the “chronic” cases and the “abnormalities” department. 

So I guess we pray that more people who play with children and take JOY in them will come along in our absence.  That the nurses who have seen our example and the example of the doctor at the hospital who kisses the children will begin to change how they treat these kids.  We pray that the new director will be a good person.  We pray that they would get organized in a way that would allow for more children to be adopted.  I saw a boy the other day who actually has nothing wrong with him physically, however being in this place has limited his development, he doesn’t really talk or respond to anyone but one nurse...and he can make her laugh.  Yet he isn’t adoptable because his paperwork isn’t together. So we pray that someone would come along that is driven to getting these kids in the right position for a family to adopt them.

So I guess we just pray.....a lot.

Grace and Jon told me the story of the boy on the beach with his Grandfather.  And thousands of star fish wash up on the shore.  They will die there.  So the boy begins to pick them up and toss them back in the water.  The grandfather says, “you will never be able to save them all” and the boy says, “no, but I can save this one”.

Tell people they can make a huge difference in a child’s life.  Tell them they too can adopt...because they do have the ability...... to save at least one.

This morning we met our guide for breakfast and listened to a very peppy and odd jazzy cover of killing me softly.  The hotel restaurant is an odd dichotomy of elegance mixed with very odd american or british music that really just makes it a little uncomfortable at times.

We went to the orphanage for our morning visit and we were greeted in the entryway by a couple Babas and their orphans, who happened to be ones we wanted to check on.  We got to meet Lilliana who is 12 years old and weighs 11 pounds and her future sister Sofia who is 14 and is smaller than my 2 year old son.  Grace greeted them and kissed them and told them we tried really hard to bring them food...it was emotional to see them knowing we had failed to get the formula through the front doors.


Sam's visit went really well and afterwards we took a walk around the property.  These are the pictures from the back yard of the building.  It was odd to see so much beauty right outside the doors.  We talked about how perfect a play ground would be under some of the shade trees.  i am sure the kids would love spending some time outside...but alas...they are inside most of their days.

 Next we went to a large supermarket to buy diapers.  We returned with them during our afternoon visit.  Here is Grace with the 15 boxes of diapers we purchased.  (thank you all for your donations to go toward diapers, due to the nature of the climate we found at the orphanage we are going to use the rest of your donations to pay for nurses to come into the orphanage from the nearby hospital.)

In order for the diapers to be accepted we had to present our receipt from the store and then they drew up some paperwork which I had to sign in QUADRUPLET!!  HOLY MOLY, you can drop off a child to them and fill out less paperwork!!!! (sadly)  It felt as if they really didn't want our help at this point.  They had refused our formula because we could present them with "documentation of origin" or a receipt and here dropping off the diapers was also a very difficult experience.  But we are grateful they accepted and hopeful they will use them.  It also allowed me to have a pretty interesting conversation with the interim director of the orphanage.  When he thanked me for the donation I was able to say your welcome through tears and tell him how much we love these children and then it opened us up into a long question and answer time about the future of the orphanage.  I did feel like things might improve after talking to him....but it is hard to say.  He told me that he knows adults with Down's syndrome and that they are living full lives and have very pleasant dispositions and we both agreed that the children in this orphanage have been robbed of that chance.  I hope we can all pray for someone to take over this orphanage that shares the same sentiments.

Meanwhile, Grace and Sam were having a WONDERFUL visit down stairs.  you can read more about that on Grace's blog.  But I must say the transformation of Sam has been amazing to see...she was playing so much and inviting affection it was really beautiful.

After we left Grace and I went out to dinner.  I was able to complete my hilarious typo collection with this gem:  (i might have mentioned before but here is the proof)

read the chicken Formaggio description.

Then we went on a walk.  Grace wanted to see some actual bulgarian neighborhoods....she promised to buy me ice cream so I went :)  (i would have went anyway!)  Fortunately I have a nose for these things and I was able to get us into a neighborhood in just a few blocks!  I didn't get great pictures of the neighborhood but i did finally get a nice shot of a "soviet" car!  I have really liked seeing these cars around...I think they are cute.  I also got a picture of a station wagon one...no jeep one yet.  maybe tomorrow!

And that my friend was our last full day in Pleven!  Tomorrow is our tearful good bye.. pray for us during this time and for our safe travels home.  And one last good prayer for the formula we are taking to the hospital.

How do you save just one?

I was looking on Reece's rainbow last night and thinking the need is so great for adoptive parents.  How and why are their so many orphans in the world?  Reece's Rainbow just holds a very SMALL selection of kids with disabilities and there are even more out their that don't have disabilities.  I get so overwhelmed...even if you try to limit it, it is hard to chose 1 child and leave another.  I suppose that is why there are so many families adopting multiple children at once.  Tom, the other american that is visiting right now is adopting 3 from Pleven.  (We have enjoyed getting to know his boys during our visits with Sam.)

I left the orphanage today in tears.  I was able to quickly stuff them down, as I am good at that, but I can tell even if I try to hold it together I am breaking inside.  Why is it like this?  How can this be happening? What can anyone do?  My co-worker has reminded me multiple times that the Lord is so much bigger than even this life...and there is a hope beyond.  So that perhaps if a child here on earth has a life short and sad in an orphanage that in heaven, in the world beyond they will be healed, restored and loved.  Man, do I hope they don't remember it here on earth once they are there.

Part of me wants to just go into the places I am not supposed to be.  Because in reality I don't really know if the higher ups are even around enough to stop me.  During our afternoon visits there are only Babas around.  But Grace is concerned that they will do something to Sam if we don't respect their boundaries.  I was so hopeful that I would be able to touch and love as many kids as I could but I can't.  All this to say, I hope that I am doing as much as I can.  I just can't help but feeling like it is not enough but that enough could never be done!  I think if 30 americans with hearts for children could move over here and somehow get jobs in the orphanage that COULD be a start.  But what really has to happen here is a culture change, a shift in how children are seen and treated, and that is why you just need people on the staff with a different heart.  The Babas are great at getting the kids out of their cribs for a time but I don't think that they really know how to fully engage this kids.  We hear word of kids taking classes, and I wonder what kind of professionals teach these classes?  There is definitely a need there.  There is a need for rehab here, for physical therapy for pretty much each kid.  And really above all else someone needs to come in and take over the menus and the food.  Okay so we need way more than just 30 Americans....we need way more than money to buy diapers and formula (especially if they don't take it GRRRRR)  I just have to remind myself that SOME kids are being rescued.

okay I am going to stop with that...and just add some cute pictures...these are some kids that are being rescued:

tom's boys from left jacob(7), Moses (7) and Noah (9)

sam in front

jacob (7) and Moses (7)

sam age 7