Brokenness and a song

I am feeling a little broken today...I am not sure if that makes it a good blogging day or not but I will do it anyway.

My life currently seems to be a mix of fundraising, running from grief and fear and filling out paperwork.  To be honest for the past few days I have been feeling like a failure at all of those things and have mostly been moving through the motions of life while only being "in it" when I play with my son Ishmael.  I love him so much and he brings me so much joy.  When I play with him I sometimes find myself wondering how Simon will fit into our lives.  How long will it be before we will be able to play cars with Simon on the living room floor?  I know it will be a while before we get him home but I find myself wondering how long once we have him home will it be before we can teach him to play?  And then I think of how much I love both my sons but how hard it is to let myself love Simon because I can't rescue him yet.  And the more I love him the more I must face the fact that he is being abused and neglected right now.

I wonder a lot about his brokenness.  Physically and mentally.  We have committed to him so of course we will love him no matter what...that is not my issue.  I think about where we might start in his development...getting him to eat from a bottle, teaching him to sit up, teaching him to crawl?  It seems bizarre to picture yourself needing to do these things with an 8 year old child.  And this brings me back to my grief.

I am a mess of tears and emotions thinking about the kids in Simon's orphanage.  My world has been rocked this week by a new understanding of their abuse.  It is hard to know the truth about how badly these children have been abused.  Knowing that truth makes it all the harder to function in daily society.  When I tell people about our adoption and they ask me questions, such shallow questions, questions that make me want to scream the truth to them.  But then there are others days when I think, lucky for them, they can live without knowing the horrors of the orphan.  They don't spend days and nights weeping for them.  They can go about their business without thinking about the crib that holds THEIR child.  Wondering how they will ever get enough money to break them out of their cell.

I have this same problem when people talk about their possessions or their money.  Because I need money.  I need other people's money.  I have gone into this adoption praying God will provide the $22,000.  I will admit that I struggle to just let God handle this whole thing.  I know he is in control...but I still need to do my part.  And what is my role in fundraising?  How do I keep asking people for money?  OR how do I stop myself from putting a hand out to people who seem to have a lot of money?  Don't tell me any stories about having a lot of cash or you will cause me to sin!!!

I wrote a song a few weeks ago.  I went through a box of kleenx while writing it.  It is a song for Simon.  I had just read about a family whose children died in the orphanage before they were able to get her home.  I began to have fear creep in about Simon's health and his condition.  To be honest we don't know how much time we will get to have him in our lives.   I have a video of me singing the song but I couldn't get it uploaded to you tube.  Perhaps I will figure that out soon and share it with you.  I do plan on recording an album to sell....as a fundraiser.  (I feel like i need to sell everything that isn't nailed down)

I think that a lot of internationally special needs adoptive parents must be going through the feelings that my husband and I are.  I am hoping that God will give me songs that will help them on their journey as well.  Because I know that crying through music helps me to process, grieve and feel.  So here is to that.  Please pray more music will come and that eventually God will use it to help fund Simon's adoption!

Here are the song lyrics:  Here is a video of my song:

Eyes that once scared me
now break my heart
this is how this mother's love
is going to start
Do you hear me my son?  I'm praying
Do you hear me my son? I'm calling.
Do you hear me my son? I'm coming for you.

I know your body's broken
but I don't know whats wrong
I pray to God to comfort you
because my arms just aren't that long

Do you hear me my son?  I'm praying
Do you hear me my son? I'm calling.
Do you hear me my son? I'm coming for you.

Sometimes I am scared to love you
because I know it will hurt
but it can't hurt worse than what
they've already done to you

Do you hear me my son?  I'm praying
Do you hear me my son? I'm calling.
Do you hear me my son? I'm coming for you.

I'm on my way
I'm on my way
I will be there
I am coming

I'm on my way
I'm on my way
I will be there
I am coming

Won't you hold on?
Won't you hold on?
I will be there
I am coming.......for you.