What We Hoped to See

While we left our visits yesterday very excited about the answers we were getting, we were also asking ourselves more questions. We understood going into this adventure that we were going to be adopting a child with some severe issues from institutional life. However, we also knew the stories of many mothers before us, and I myself had witnessed Grace and Sam's initial visits in Pleven. So when we began to analyze some of our interactions with Simon and compare and contrast them to other children, we were having some trouble figuring out what all Simon will be capable of doing.

Simon is not just a boy with Cerebral Palsy. He has some very clear swallowing/feeding issues that have led to severe malnutrition. He has spent more time than he should have alone in crib. He has spent too many years without a single care giver, a mother. I would like to tell you that it shows. I know most of you will be very shocked when you meet Simon, not just by his size, but by his motions, by the fact he hits himself at times. He doesn't make wonderful eye contact, he has a lot of jerky motions and ticks.

So far I have been trying to be sensitive to his needs and the fact that being around new people that want eye contact from him can be very overstimulating. I normally try to just offer him my hands and see if he touches them. He has a very tight grip and will hold on for a few seconds at a time. He will hold on much longer if he thinks you are going to get him up and walking around the room. :) Every visit he holds my gaze a little longer, and at times he seems to relax in his eyes (this is kind of hard to explain). He has also rejected any toy we have tried to hold out for him. I have been mirroring his hand movements but we have not seen any evidence of his mirroring my movements (this was something Sam did very well toward the end of our visits with her). I have been making noises, and his Baba makes noises, but Simon doesn't really even try to join us in our, "ba ba bas" and our "ma ma mas".

Over dinner we sat discussing it, in a very honest way: we said, maybe he will never do these things, and what if he never does these things. We tried to digest that, again, because I think even going to this orphanage and saying you are going to adopt a 18 pound 8 year old, you hold out hope on his development--especially when you know that Katie Musser has worked on potty training, and Sam mirrors and her ticks are melting away, and Krasi rolls over and grabs toys!

I believe we both made a renewed vow to love him anyway last night, no matter how he develops over time or what he can do.

We finally got to meet with the director this morning and she is one busy lady!! I felt like I could have asked her questions all day about the orphanage, about herself personally and of course, about Simon. But I also knew she was busy and so we took our list in and asked her almost all of our questions! By the time we were done it was time to go get the visa photos done and when they came back from that we had 15 minutes to sit with Simon.

I (Jon) have loved the visits and it has been awesome to see Simon and spend time with him. We have seen him gradually become more comfortable and expressive and this has been so heartening! But it has also been a little difficult because engagement has been a challenge and in my heart I have been desiring just a small connection or sign, something to grab on to. So at the beginning of this 15 minute session, I prayed, really quickly, for just a moment or sign or something small for reassurance that connections will happen between Simon and us. This seemed like a selfish prayer and it was quickly uttered in an almost apologetic manner.

We were left alone with him for the 1st time ever. While we sat there I (Anna) decided I would try to play with a toy again. I hadn't even brought one along because of his lacking interest in them, but I found a stuffed giraffe and began having it march toward Simon and then kiss him on the face. I played with him in this way for a while and he started to laugh and smile when the giraffe kissed his face. Eventually he started to reach out for the giraffe, he even held it in his hand, for a very small moment. Then he began to purse his lips...he was trying to do a kissy face!!!!! We were AMAZED!!! I don't think we "needed" to see that ray of sunshine--we will let him take as long as he needs to, to heal. And we know that this is not on our timetable and we will love him exactly where he's at. And I don't have expectations that he will ever be "normal" or "skilled" or whatever. But for him to seem to like us, show affection toward something we are doing and react to us, and even learn in some SMALL way, that was a true GIFT on this snowy, snowy day.