Everybody needs a little forgiveness

I remember being with Grace the first time she met Samantha, Grace just kept saying over and over again, "she is perfect!" I was amazed at Grace's instantaneous love for Sam. But now I think I more fully understand that I wasn't witnessing the moment Grace fell in love with her daughter, no, her love started long before that day in April. It started when God moved her heart to adopt, it grew as she gazed at Sam's picture and poured over her one minute video, over and over and over for months and months and months.

That is what we have been doing. We have been looking at Simon's photo, we have been watching his short video on repeat and we have been asking ourselves, what will he be like? Will he be laid back? Will he talk? Will he walk? Will he love us? Will he fit into our family? It is an odd thing to decide to love someone before you have ever met them. But I am writing to say that I believe it is fully possible, because I love my son Simon, and I won't meet him until Monday March 25th. But I know that the moment I do, I will share that same sentiment that Grace had for her daughter on the day that she met her, a complete eclipse of a mother's heart. I know that I will love him no matter what. And that love, hurts.

The last few days have been really hard. I feel like I am trying to everything at once and because of this I am unable to do anything. I suppose I need to move these to do lists out of my mind and onto paper. But the last few days haven't just been hard because I am overwhelmed by my packing list. No, they have been hard because I know too much about where we are going. I am scared because I will never be able to do enough. I hope in three to four months to bring my son home, but when I do, I will be walking out the door of his orphanage, and leaving behind a hundred other children. Some who will never be adopted. Some who will die in their cribs.

This is a hard reality. It is too hard for me to comprehend. This is the orphan grief returning. This is how you feel once you know the truth, it is a helpless...deep...hurt. This is the hurt that I know I share with God, and that does bring some comfort. I know that I would never be able to handle the amount of grief He must feel. Because He knows the truth of everyone's pain and hurt. However, this is why He has made a way for the total and complete restoration of this earth. He makes all things new. Creation is groaning, calling out to him, yearning, to be made new. Because Christ has laid death in His grave, we will rise again and on that day, all the orphans will be loved completely the way God truly intended, before our sin came in and mucked it all up. Before our hatred, wounded our fellow man and before our selfishness killed our children. A time when we walked with God, when we knew Him and were known by Him.

God has been redeeming this orphanage and now I am a part of it and so are you. This is an amazing opportunity but with it comes a humbling responsibility. What is my role? Because I am the adoptive mother, and I want nothing more than to question every staff member there, to shake them and say, "how could you do this?" "This is not okay, you have taken their lives!!" However, there is an entire culture to be considered. My questions will need to be tactfully asked and my responses calculated. I can't show up in this country with my guns blazing ready to tell them they are wrong. What good will that do? You can't change a culture, or a mindset that way, can you?

I live in a culture that I don't fully fit into but I also know that being an American has shaped who I am in many ways. I learned a lot in our public school system, I remember tons of diversity assemblies, I remember being taught to respect people who had different views from me, and I remember being protective of the kids with special needs that went to my elementary school when we entered junior high. I know that self expression and creativity was something that was valued and expected in my high school. So I have no idea what it is like to be raised in a culture that doesn't want diversity. That has perhaps taught kids from day one that they are to conform, and follow directions and not stick out in any way. Perhaps even taught that if they go against what the authorities are telling them, they will be hurt, their families will be hurt. (Or maybe this is just something their grandparents faced?) To be honest I have no idea what growing up in eastern Europe is like, that is for certain, but I do know that even in wake of communism, the soviet skyscrapers still stand. The orphanages they built to hide unwanted children still stand and the views of orphans and Roma people still remain. I know that if I grew up there, I would be a different person.

So, I guess what I am trying to get at is, I would like God to help me love the orphanage workers. They are also children of God, they are not "evil", although they think much differently than me. I suppose that many don't think they have done anything wrong. I think many believe that these kids don't grow because they are sick. I have not been called to bring vengeance. I am not the one who brings justice. I am called to love. To love my neighbor as myself. Even when it is hard, even when my neighbor believes my son is worthless. Even when my neighbor locks my child in a cage and refuses to feed him? Even when my neighbor hangs my son on a cross? Even then Lord, even then? Isn't that the forgiveness that Jesus gives and brings?

This is why God is God, He can feel all the pain of the world. All the pain that we inflict on one another and He still finds a way to forgive us and to restore us.

Help me to forgive Lord. Help me to Love. Please heal my Son from the damage that has been done. Please bring him home as soon as possible. It is my prayer that you would use my hands to love those that work in the orphanage. That you would help me to bring them encouragement. Lord, please open their hearts to see You in me. Guide me as I prepare for this journey.

And to you reading this, please, please pray for us. Because I can only imagine that an 18 pound 8 year old is going to look even smaller in person. And this is my son, and he has been hurt, for no good reason, and I, as his mother, want to make it all better. My heart hurts right now...and we won't be there for another 18 days. Thank you for helping us on this journey. Your words, prayers and contributions are SO important.