the bleeding heart

I was talking to a family a few days ago about the children in Pleven.  I was telling them about how children in institutions, and especially this one, had learned over time that no one was coming.  When I was visiting we took some of the kids out to get their visa photos taken.  One of the children fell and hit their head, hard, on the ground.  We heard the sound of it, but the child did not cry.  The child did not react to the pain because they had learned that no one was coming to see if they were okay.

Later that day I was thinking about it in reference to myself.  I thought about how when I was a child I don't think I had many people asking me to share my emotions.  Therefore I have learned to keep them in much to the annoyance of my husband!  So when I get hurt or things get hard I tend to remain silent, fighting the pain  in my own head or "suffering in silence".  If there is one thing that tests a marriage like no other it is international special needs adoption!!  Lately my husband and I seem to always be having serious, life altering conversations about the future of our family. And through it all we arrive at the same conflicts....not the conflict relevant to the conversation at hand, no, the conflict becomes the conversation itself.  Our communication!  My husband comes from a family of verbal processors and conversation initiators.  I however, do not.  So we have worked through lots of differences in our communication styles over the past 4 years but adoption has tested our decision making to the MAX.

I organized all of our paperwork today, we have piles of "to dos".  It was overwhelming but also nice to see just where we are in our process.  I think this stage of international adoption is a little like premarital counseling or perhaps engagement and wedding planning.  (Jon says the worst part of our relationship was the engagement period)  We have so many things to get signed and places to go for fingerprints, and background checks.  I even have to make sure my cats are up to date.  It is stressful, it is a time of change and testing in our relationship with each other, our families and our friends.  However I know that this period of struggle is just to prepare us for the struggles to come.  Tonight this thought was confirmed as I read in Parenting the hurt child these words:

         "Like most people, adoptive parents may have unresolved psychological issues.  Because hurt children  seem to have a "button-locating radar," their parents' issues are generally targeted for exposure, aggravation and agitation.....Everyday spent with a disturbed child heightens parent' awareness of their own issues....."   

So the testing has only begun.  I had someone say tell me the other day how hard this was going to be.  That having a special needs child will test our marriage, our family and our faith.  I don't discount that.  I fully understand that.  They will test me daily, this book said "mercilessly" but in the end I will grow.  My family will grow, my community will grow.  And I don't pretend to be doing this alone.  I know that sometimes my desire to rescue children out of horrid situations and institutions can seem like I am blindly bringing a child into my life that I will strive to rescue with my love, only to discover that love doesn't cure all of their brokenness.  NO, it won't cure them.  My love will not erase years of starvation and neglect.  In fact my love for this child will break me as I am rejected and pushed away by a child who doesn't know what love is.  A child who responds to each situation based on THEIR up bringing. 

I guess that isn't so different from me.  Because I see the world through Anna glasses and I interact with my husband based on my family system and my upbringing that taught me not to share my emotions.  Only I was never left alone in a crib all day long.  My mother came to me when I cried.  She changed my diaper more than once a day and she gave me food.  I had a mother.  She didn't push me away at birth into the arms of an institution that didn't have enough hands to teach me how to stand.

I know this will be hard.  And I know that if you are part of my support system you will be tested as well.  But you know what, I think that is okay.  In fact I think that is good.  Because perhaps it means that we will all learn to give up some of our conveniences daily and think about the atrocities that go on everyday across the globe.  Perhaps we will come to think about others before ourselves and perhaps we will learn that when we let ourselves bleed....our wounds will come clean.

 Please pray we are able to commit to a child soon.  Please pray that the Lord will provide financially for our adoption.  Pray for Grace's safe travel as she goes to pick up her daughter.

pray for this orphan to find a family:

Ian was born in 2005.  he has Marfan Syndrome.  He loves to draw and has recently become interested in memorizing poems and songs. He likes to watch cartoons. He knows all his colors and can count to 10. He knows the seasons and the days of the week.