faith in the unseen redemption

It has been a hard few days.  I have struggled on the roller coaster of faith and sight.  For me it was faith that things are as bad as they have been reported in the face of so many people making excuses and saying things are exaggerated and telling us kids go to classes and that they are going to be fed.  When in fact, we are visiting 3 seven year olds and a nine year old with weights ranging from 18 to 26 pounds.  I held a 7 year old today like I would a 1 year old...that is how small he is.  We can't see their rooms, we can't see what they are feeding them, we haven't seen their butts.  Sam doesn't seem like a skeleton yet she is not the size of a 7 year old. (she wears a 3T)  I think when you are in the midst of a horribly dire situation for long enough you can begin to lie to yourself.  Like the people in the orphanage have lied to themselves.  That down's kids can't grow, that they feed the kids well, that the down's causes these institutional ticks, that they have done right by these children and finally that NOTHING else can be done.

It is hard...I think lies are contagious.  I began to doubt myself, God and that the situation could be bettered.  Today we brought formula to the orphanage and then left with it again.  I will be honest i have lost some faith that the higher ups want the kids to get better more than they want to follow rules or make sure they can save face.  There is no face to save at this point.  It is un-nerving to transport pounds and pounds of a lifesaving substance around, moving it place to place and never being able to get it to those who need it.  It is like the left over food you throw in the trash....you can't send it to the starving kids in the world.  Only it is more annoying than that....it is like the starving kids are in the other room.  There is a door between you, and a man in a uniform between you telling you....NO, you can't give this starving kid food, what if it is poisoned?....better to let him starve.

I am praying for redemption.  It would be nice if it was a redemption I could see.  But I would settle I suppose for the faith in a long term redemption.  For the faith that the evil that has been done to the kids will be made into good.

We are hopeful we will be able to drop the formula off at the hospital and that they will use it for the 30 Pleven kids that are currently there.  We also hope that maybe the nurses will someday sneak it in to some others :)

Pray for us as the orphanage seems darker and darker.  The room we meet in smaller and smaller and the plight of the children more dire.