Last night we were able to go to a local clinic and witness an echocardiogram being done for Simon. As he was laying there on the table, we listened to his heart tones and watched the black and white video displaying all the areas of his heart as the cardiologist moved the doppler around on Simon's chest. It was pretty intense.... But the results are in and his heart appears to be in great shape right now! This was great news and came as a huge relief for us. Also, Simon handled the car ride and visit really, really well. He remained pretty calm and composed.
Simon had a pretty major heart surgery when he was one year old (for his condition, called Tetralogy of Fallot--which is related to his prematurity, being born at 27 weeks and around 2 pounds) and so he needs to be watched pretty closely for pulmonary insufficiency and other issues. So it was great to hear that so far there have been no complications related to the patch that was put in his heart. This has been something we have been hoping for since we committed to him.
Visits have continued to go well. Today we worked a lot with feeding him and got to hold him some more. He seems to be getting far more comfortable on our laps! We also watched him physical therapy and it was funny to see that he laughs while being massaged; he had a great time.
We will see him for the last time tomorrow before we leave out to Sofia to catch our plane; our journey is coming to a close in Pleven, and it will be hard to go but we are feeling like we have a lot to be thankful for and to hope for as well. Thank you to everyone back home who has helped make this possible --with support, donations, and prayer. (oh, and taking care of Ishmael ;))
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
What We Hoped to See
While we left our visits yesterday very excited about the answers we were getting, we were also asking ourselves more questions. We understood going into this adventure that we were going to be adopting a child with some severe issues from institutional life. However, we also knew the stories of many mothers before us, and I myself had witnessed Grace and Sam's initial visits in Pleven. So when we began to analyze some of our interactions with Simon and compare and contrast them to other children, we were having some trouble figuring out what all Simon will be capable of doing.
Simon is not just a boy with Cerebral Palsy. He has some very clear swallowing/feeding issues that have led to severe malnutrition. He has spent more time than he should have alone in crib. He has spent too many years without a single care giver, a mother. I would like to tell you that it shows. I know most of you will be very shocked when you meet Simon, not just by his size, but by his motions, by the fact he hits himself at times. He doesn't make wonderful eye contact, he has a lot of jerky motions and ticks.
So far I have been trying to be sensitive to his needs and the fact that being around new people that want eye contact from him can be very overstimulating. I normally try to just offer him my hands and see if he touches them. He has a very tight grip and will hold on for a few seconds at a time. He will hold on much longer if he thinks you are going to get him up and walking around the room. :) Every visit he holds my gaze a little longer, and at times he seems to relax in his eyes (this is kind of hard to explain). He has also rejected any toy we have tried to hold out for him. I have been mirroring his hand movements but we have not seen any evidence of his mirroring my movements (this was something Sam did very well toward the end of our visits with her). I have been making noises, and his Baba makes noises, but Simon doesn't really even try to join us in our, "ba ba bas" and our "ma ma mas".
Over dinner we sat discussing it, in a very honest way: we said, maybe he will never do these things, and what if he never does these things. We tried to digest that, again, because I think even going to this orphanage and saying you are going to adopt a 18 pound 8 year old, you hold out hope on his development--especially when you know that Katie Musser has worked on potty training, and Sam mirrors and her ticks are melting away, and Krasi rolls over and grabs toys!
I believe we both made a renewed vow to love him anyway last night, no matter how he develops over time or what he can do.
We finally got to meet with the director this morning and she is one busy lady!! I felt like I could have asked her questions all day about the orphanage, about herself personally and of course, about Simon. But I also knew she was busy and so we took our list in and asked her almost all of our questions! By the time we were done it was time to go get the visa photos done and when they came back from that we had 15 minutes to sit with Simon.
I (Jon) have loved the visits and it has been awesome to see Simon and spend time with him. We have seen him gradually become more comfortable and expressive and this has been so heartening! But it has also been a little difficult because engagement has been a challenge and in my heart I have been desiring just a small connection or sign, something to grab on to. So at the beginning of this 15 minute session, I prayed, really quickly, for just a moment or sign or something small for reassurance that connections will happen between Simon and us. This seemed like a selfish prayer and it was quickly uttered in an almost apologetic manner.
We were left alone with him for the 1st time ever. While we sat there I (Anna) decided I would try to play with a toy again. I hadn't even brought one along because of his lacking interest in them, but I found a stuffed giraffe and began having it march toward Simon and then kiss him on the face. I played with him in this way for a while and he started to laugh and smile when the giraffe kissed his face. Eventually he started to reach out for the giraffe, he even held it in his hand, for a very small moment. Then he began to purse his lips...he was trying to do a kissy face!!!!! We were AMAZED!!! I don't think we "needed" to see that ray of sunshine--we will let him take as long as he needs to, to heal. And we know that this is not on our timetable and we will love him exactly where he's at. And I don't have expectations that he will ever be "normal" or "skilled" or whatever. But for him to seem to like us, show affection toward something we are doing and react to us, and even learn in some SMALL way, that was a true GIFT on this snowy, snowy day.
Simon is not just a boy with Cerebral Palsy. He has some very clear swallowing/feeding issues that have led to severe malnutrition. He has spent more time than he should have alone in crib. He has spent too many years without a single care giver, a mother. I would like to tell you that it shows. I know most of you will be very shocked when you meet Simon, not just by his size, but by his motions, by the fact he hits himself at times. He doesn't make wonderful eye contact, he has a lot of jerky motions and ticks.
So far I have been trying to be sensitive to his needs and the fact that being around new people that want eye contact from him can be very overstimulating. I normally try to just offer him my hands and see if he touches them. He has a very tight grip and will hold on for a few seconds at a time. He will hold on much longer if he thinks you are going to get him up and walking around the room. :) Every visit he holds my gaze a little longer, and at times he seems to relax in his eyes (this is kind of hard to explain). He has also rejected any toy we have tried to hold out for him. I have been mirroring his hand movements but we have not seen any evidence of his mirroring my movements (this was something Sam did very well toward the end of our visits with her). I have been making noises, and his Baba makes noises, but Simon doesn't really even try to join us in our, "ba ba bas" and our "ma ma mas".
Over dinner we sat discussing it, in a very honest way: we said, maybe he will never do these things, and what if he never does these things. We tried to digest that, again, because I think even going to this orphanage and saying you are going to adopt a 18 pound 8 year old, you hold out hope on his development--especially when you know that Katie Musser has worked on potty training, and Sam mirrors and her ticks are melting away, and Krasi rolls over and grabs toys!
I believe we both made a renewed vow to love him anyway last night, no matter how he develops over time or what he can do.
We finally got to meet with the director this morning and she is one busy lady!! I felt like I could have asked her questions all day about the orphanage, about herself personally and of course, about Simon. But I also knew she was busy and so we took our list in and asked her almost all of our questions! By the time we were done it was time to go get the visa photos done and when they came back from that we had 15 minutes to sit with Simon.
I (Jon) have loved the visits and it has been awesome to see Simon and spend time with him. We have seen him gradually become more comfortable and expressive and this has been so heartening! But it has also been a little difficult because engagement has been a challenge and in my heart I have been desiring just a small connection or sign, something to grab on to. So at the beginning of this 15 minute session, I prayed, really quickly, for just a moment or sign or something small for reassurance that connections will happen between Simon and us. This seemed like a selfish prayer and it was quickly uttered in an almost apologetic manner.
We were left alone with him for the 1st time ever. While we sat there I (Anna) decided I would try to play with a toy again. I hadn't even brought one along because of his lacking interest in them, but I found a stuffed giraffe and began having it march toward Simon and then kiss him on the face. I played with him in this way for a while and he started to laugh and smile when the giraffe kissed his face. Eventually he started to reach out for the giraffe, he even held it in his hand, for a very small moment. Then he began to purse his lips...he was trying to do a kissy face!!!!! We were AMAZED!!! I don't think we "needed" to see that ray of sunshine--we will let him take as long as he needs to, to heal. And we know that this is not on our timetable and we will love him exactly where he's at. And I don't have expectations that he will ever be "normal" or "skilled" or whatever. But for him to seem to like us, show affection toward something we are doing and react to us, and even learn in some SMALL way, that was a true GIFT on this snowy, snowy day.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Answers
Well I must say that I feel pretty blessed to report to you all the wonderful ways God is answering my prayers! Due to the nature of our first visit, where Simon seemed to get really agitated, we requested that our future visits be private, meaning just us and Simon. So while I miss getting to see the other families visiting right now, I really feel like we are getting some great things done with Simon.
I don't really want to say we had "goals," but I did have some things that I was really hoping we would get to do. So far, we have gotten to do a lot of them.....I am very happy about this, and really hope that the Lord will grant all these "wishes" in his timing and brilliant ways. So we hoped to get to observe Simon being fed again and perhaps this time get VIDEO. Today I got to not only see this and get my video but I FED HIM MYSELF!!! WOOOO HOOO. We think the video will really help us show to doctors in the states what is going on with his feeding issues and prepare us for the future.
Secondly we had really wanted to get to change his diaper, although part of me was hoping that a caregiver would show us how they changed his diaper. So we began a diaper change and we hadn't got far and his Baba came and helped us out. Whilst changing we were able to snap a few pictures AND take some measurements.
Wrist: just under 4 inches
lower leg: 4 inches around
foot: 5 inches long
Thigh: 4 inches around
his knee was bent and it was 7 inches around. (I should probably try to get this one done another time.)
Then we tried on some pajamas (really this was accomplishing 3 goals at once!!!) He can wear a 3 T pair of footie pajamas...this is almost too short but I hate to tell that you once we took off the layers of clothing, he is even smaller than his pictures from yesterday show.
We also got to see another little boy who has a family coming for him at some point. CHAD was also being cared for by our Baba. His presence was such a blessing as he made our little Simon laugh out loud!! :) We hope this means that Simon will also find his brother Ishmael funny as well. (By the way, we heard the report today that Ishmael is doing wonderful at home. He hasn't even mentioned missing us and has not been asking about us....I keep telling myself this is really good news! HAHA)
I had been praying through how I could be an encouragement to the staff before we came. But then I realized that, if this trip was anything like my trip with Grace, I would probably have more interactions with the Baba's than the workers. I was amazed at what the Lord did. Yesterday when we were allowed to come down to see Simon being fed, I ran into Sam's Baba. So I flagged her down and through gestures and saying "Cami" and "Grace," over and over again, she recognized me! Then I told her I had something for her upstairs. Later she found me and I was able to give her 2 photos of Sam. She LOVED them. She was so, so happy that I was giving them to her to keep! She told me that she had tried to find them on the internet but that she has limited access to the computer and also she doesn't read any English. Today she showed me her Samantha album complete with her newest photos of Sam. Then she asked about another child, and his Baba found us and asked me to bring photos of another child when I come back for Simon. (If we don't send them earlier!)
I had been thinking and praying on how I could make a difference at this orphanage. It really isn't enough to adopt a child because you are leaving so many behind. But I have stopped believing throwing more stuff at them is going to help. I worry that we have become Americans coming in with money and filling requests...I haven't finished the book "toxic Charity" but it has me thinking. I decided that in reality we have to change the culture that is already there.....but how? I decided we must love those that work with our children right where they are at.
I have heard complaints about the Babas not being trained, and I have heard some of them don't do their job. The truth is, many of them don't do their job how I would, but they are doing something. They are LOVING our children. They bring these kids back to life, or at least give them enough touches to help them live a little longer. Long enough to be adopted and swept away from them. When I take Simon next June (keep praying for JUNE) I will be taking him away from a Baba that he has had for THREE YEARS. Today she looked at Sam's Baba's book, and she was overcome with emotion. Since we can't understand her (and our translator was up stairs) we don't know for sure what she was feeling, but we do know after she stared at that book, she had to make an excuse to leave the room. And as I type this, I am beginning to think that she is Chad's Baba on Tuesdays, not Simon's. She is committed to him. She loves him. (This is my experience, I am not trying to say that Babas are perfect, so if you have had a bad experience with one,I am sorry.)
I brought gifts for Babas...if you know a Baba by name please comment on this blog ASAP and I will try to write their name on a scarf (or put a child's Bulgarian name, like Veronika's Baba). But otherwise I will just be handing some of them out. I am also going to ask that if any Baba wants an update on a child that they give me their name and the child's name. Then I will do my best to figure out who that child is. Truth be told, some of them will not be that hard to find, as a lot of us have blogs. But I really believe that if we want to help the kids in this orphanage, we need to keep encouraging those who are there working with them. The Babas are our bridge and our door. If you have ever been to the orphanage you know that the Babas are the ones that love it if you stop them in the hall and ask about the child they are pushing. The Babas are the ones who let you touch that child's check and they are the ones that smile back at your adoring face. Our Babas are the ones that are taking LOTS of time to try to feed our son who can not swallow.
(If someone has that link to the Baba video with Alyssa in it, please share it in the comments below.)
Tomorrow will be another HUGE day. Please pray that we wake up early and on time. We will start our day off by finally getting to meet with the director. I am looking forward to this but I am also a little nervous. Then we will take our children out to get their Visa pictures taken. At some point we should get to talk to the physical therapist at the orphanage. Our afternoon visit will start as usual but will end with us going with Simon to get an echocardiogram. What??? Yes I said it, we will get to observe this test and then talk to the doctor who speaks ENGLISH. What a huge blessing. I wasn't too up front that Simon has a heart condition. We were actually much more worried about his heart than his Cerebral Palsey. But please join me in prayers that our worries will be put to rest tomorrow....so we can focus on his swallowing!!!
Thank you all SOOO MUCH for your prayers. And now for what you all came here for....a few more pictures!!! He was much happier today...look at that smile, another answer to prayer!!!
I don't really want to say we had "goals," but I did have some things that I was really hoping we would get to do. So far, we have gotten to do a lot of them.....I am very happy about this, and really hope that the Lord will grant all these "wishes" in his timing and brilliant ways. So we hoped to get to observe Simon being fed again and perhaps this time get VIDEO. Today I got to not only see this and get my video but I FED HIM MYSELF!!! WOOOO HOOO. We think the video will really help us show to doctors in the states what is going on with his feeding issues and prepare us for the future.
Secondly we had really wanted to get to change his diaper, although part of me was hoping that a caregiver would show us how they changed his diaper. So we began a diaper change and we hadn't got far and his Baba came and helped us out. Whilst changing we were able to snap a few pictures AND take some measurements.
Wrist: just under 4 inches
lower leg: 4 inches around
foot: 5 inches long
Thigh: 4 inches around
his knee was bent and it was 7 inches around. (I should probably try to get this one done another time.)
Then we tried on some pajamas (really this was accomplishing 3 goals at once!!!) He can wear a 3 T pair of footie pajamas...this is almost too short but I hate to tell that you once we took off the layers of clothing, he is even smaller than his pictures from yesterday show.
We also got to see another little boy who has a family coming for him at some point. CHAD was also being cared for by our Baba. His presence was such a blessing as he made our little Simon laugh out loud!! :) We hope this means that Simon will also find his brother Ishmael funny as well. (By the way, we heard the report today that Ishmael is doing wonderful at home. He hasn't even mentioned missing us and has not been asking about us....I keep telling myself this is really good news! HAHA)
I had been praying through how I could be an encouragement to the staff before we came. But then I realized that, if this trip was anything like my trip with Grace, I would probably have more interactions with the Baba's than the workers. I was amazed at what the Lord did. Yesterday when we were allowed to come down to see Simon being fed, I ran into Sam's Baba. So I flagged her down and through gestures and saying "Cami" and "Grace," over and over again, she recognized me! Then I told her I had something for her upstairs. Later she found me and I was able to give her 2 photos of Sam. She LOVED them. She was so, so happy that I was giving them to her to keep! She told me that she had tried to find them on the internet but that she has limited access to the computer and also she doesn't read any English. Today she showed me her Samantha album complete with her newest photos of Sam. Then she asked about another child, and his Baba found us and asked me to bring photos of another child when I come back for Simon. (If we don't send them earlier!)
I had been thinking and praying on how I could make a difference at this orphanage. It really isn't enough to adopt a child because you are leaving so many behind. But I have stopped believing throwing more stuff at them is going to help. I worry that we have become Americans coming in with money and filling requests...I haven't finished the book "toxic Charity" but it has me thinking. I decided that in reality we have to change the culture that is already there.....but how? I decided we must love those that work with our children right where they are at.
I have heard complaints about the Babas not being trained, and I have heard some of them don't do their job. The truth is, many of them don't do their job how I would, but they are doing something. They are LOVING our children. They bring these kids back to life, or at least give them enough touches to help them live a little longer. Long enough to be adopted and swept away from them. When I take Simon next June (keep praying for JUNE) I will be taking him away from a Baba that he has had for THREE YEARS. Today she looked at Sam's Baba's book, and she was overcome with emotion. Since we can't understand her (and our translator was up stairs) we don't know for sure what she was feeling, but we do know after she stared at that book, she had to make an excuse to leave the room. And as I type this, I am beginning to think that she is Chad's Baba on Tuesdays, not Simon's. She is committed to him. She loves him. (This is my experience, I am not trying to say that Babas are perfect, so if you have had a bad experience with one,I am sorry.)
I brought gifts for Babas...if you know a Baba by name please comment on this blog ASAP and I will try to write their name on a scarf (or put a child's Bulgarian name, like Veronika's Baba). But otherwise I will just be handing some of them out. I am also going to ask that if any Baba wants an update on a child that they give me their name and the child's name. Then I will do my best to figure out who that child is. Truth be told, some of them will not be that hard to find, as a lot of us have blogs. But I really believe that if we want to help the kids in this orphanage, we need to keep encouraging those who are there working with them. The Babas are our bridge and our door. If you have ever been to the orphanage you know that the Babas are the ones that love it if you stop them in the hall and ask about the child they are pushing. The Babas are the ones who let you touch that child's check and they are the ones that smile back at your adoring face. Our Babas are the ones that are taking LOTS of time to try to feed our son who can not swallow.
(If someone has that link to the Baba video with Alyssa in it, please share it in the comments below.)
Tomorrow will be another HUGE day. Please pray that we wake up early and on time. We will start our day off by finally getting to meet with the director. I am looking forward to this but I am also a little nervous. Then we will take our children out to get their Visa pictures taken. At some point we should get to talk to the physical therapist at the orphanage. Our afternoon visit will start as usual but will end with us going with Simon to get an echocardiogram. What??? Yes I said it, we will get to observe this test and then talk to the doctor who speaks ENGLISH. What a huge blessing. I wasn't too up front that Simon has a heart condition. We were actually much more worried about his heart than his Cerebral Palsey. But please join me in prayers that our worries will be put to rest tomorrow....so we can focus on his swallowing!!!
Thank you all SOOO MUCH for your prayers. And now for what you all came here for....a few more pictures!!! He was much happier today...look at that smile, another answer to prayer!!!
Monday, March 25, 2013
Our first 2 visits
Today we met our son Simon for the first time. It was amazing, and hard, and somewhat surreal.
I would love to tell you that the first visit was extremely sentimental and idyllic and all that, but it was not. We left the orphanage very overwhelmed and fighting back tears. It felt like the Patty Griffin song: "today my heart is big and sore; it's tryin' to push right through my skin."
The orphanage in Pleven is very grey, very dirty, and very run down. There is not much on the walls and it is all cement everywhere, like an old-school prison or something. It looks like the last place that children should be warehoused. So as we walked up a few flights of stairs with our group, it felt very dark and intimidating. After we arrived at the visitation room, Simon was wheeled in almost right away. Very cute but very pale and with legs that felt like just a bit of skin over very clearly-defined bone, and ankles only an inch or so thick. He was wearing a very strange green sweater over some baby pajamas. It is very shocking to see a 20-pound little 8 year-old, and I'm thinking that no amount of preparation would ever change that.
The visit started off really well. It was amazing to be suddenly holding him after so much waiting and build-up! It was truly amazing. At first he responded fairly well to being held, and made some pretty awesome eye contact. He appeared very curious as to what this was all about and looked around a lot. We talked to him and he was somewhat responsive. But as the visit went on, Simon got pretty freaked out--the whole thing was probably pretty intense for him--and began to exhibit a lot of self-stimming orphanage behaviors. He writhed on the floor and gritted his teeth and made a lot of noises. There was a orphanage worker there who was trying to talk to us about him and give us pointers, but as he talked Simon got more and more stressed and the worker kept saying things that made us feel like he thought we were the cause of Simon's discomfort. This was very unsettling. He was also telling us convoluted things like, "Simon's behavior is normal," and then, "Simon is trying to communicate with you. He is saying he is upset." (Yeah....thanks for clearing that up...and no, this is not normal and no, I don't want to let him just lay there, self stimming while I watch). We felt like he was evaluating our "parenting," which is not something you want done 45 minutes into your first interaction with a child. You also never want to have that done cross-culturally and through a language barrier :)
When I (Anna) got back to the hotel I looked through the pictures and video that we took of Simon and noticed that he was doing really well with us early on. That gave me some hope.
In between visits, I (Jon) prayed: help, help, help. Because it was so much to take in and Simon's needs seemed so great. It was hard to see and it felt like we were in way over our heads. Help. That was about all I could muster. (Apparently reading some of Anne Lamott's pithy descriptions regarding the folly of the human condition and the necessity for blunt prayer have impacted me a bit.)
Our second visit went SO much better and was a huge blessing as we were able to meet Simon's Baba, Milka. We were invited to watch her feed Simon, and then she joined us for our visit and we were able to watch her interact with Simon...low and behold, she had him up walking around for us!!! (With a great deal of her physical support, of course.) At that moment I remembered how unsure we were that he would ever walk, something that I had completely forgotten along the way. So seeing him excited about learning to walk and taking steps with help was a huge blessing. :) Another blessing from the Lord was when the Baba told us that it was clear that Simon liked us, something that the man from the morning visits had made us feel shaky about.
We kept him in the stroller most of the time, the 2nd time, instead of holding him so much. This seemed to help calm him down a great deal. He looked around a lot from his stroller, attempted to walk, smiled a bit, and made lots of noises. It was very peaceful and exciting to simply experience him and get a picture of what life with him will be like.
Watching him eat was eye opening; it will be something that we will have to work on quite a bit. He ate very slowly and had a lot of difficulty swallowing. But I am confident that we will help him learn how to eat, us and as many doctors as it takes!!!
After all of this we are reminded of how much Simon DRASTICALLY needs to eat more and be nursed back to health. He is so pale and little, buried under layers of mismatched clothing. He has been through so much time alone and through so many hungry days. It is hard for us to imagine. But we also have hope...that as he joins our family he will gain weight and begin to feel better.
These pictures are all super grainy because the only way we have to show you pictures is to take them with the i Pad....and I am not good at taking i Pad pictures. I have some lovely video to show you but I can't figure out how to upload that on to blogger :( When we are home we can show off all of our pictures on the lovely camera we borrowed from Ashley (thank you again!!!).
Please do keep praying for our interactions with Simon. Ask the Lord to give us wisdom as we ask our questions of his caregivers and also that Simon would continue to have peace when he is around us. Thank you all for your love and support!
I would love to tell you that the first visit was extremely sentimental and idyllic and all that, but it was not. We left the orphanage very overwhelmed and fighting back tears. It felt like the Patty Griffin song: "today my heart is big and sore; it's tryin' to push right through my skin."
The orphanage in Pleven is very grey, very dirty, and very run down. There is not much on the walls and it is all cement everywhere, like an old-school prison or something. It looks like the last place that children should be warehoused. So as we walked up a few flights of stairs with our group, it felt very dark and intimidating. After we arrived at the visitation room, Simon was wheeled in almost right away. Very cute but very pale and with legs that felt like just a bit of skin over very clearly-defined bone, and ankles only an inch or so thick. He was wearing a very strange green sweater over some baby pajamas. It is very shocking to see a 20-pound little 8 year-old, and I'm thinking that no amount of preparation would ever change that.
The visit started off really well. It was amazing to be suddenly holding him after so much waiting and build-up! It was truly amazing. At first he responded fairly well to being held, and made some pretty awesome eye contact. He appeared very curious as to what this was all about and looked around a lot. We talked to him and he was somewhat responsive. But as the visit went on, Simon got pretty freaked out--the whole thing was probably pretty intense for him--and began to exhibit a lot of self-stimming orphanage behaviors. He writhed on the floor and gritted his teeth and made a lot of noises. There was a orphanage worker there who was trying to talk to us about him and give us pointers, but as he talked Simon got more and more stressed and the worker kept saying things that made us feel like he thought we were the cause of Simon's discomfort. This was very unsettling. He was also telling us convoluted things like, "Simon's behavior is normal," and then, "Simon is trying to communicate with you. He is saying he is upset." (Yeah....thanks for clearing that up...and no, this is not normal and no, I don't want to let him just lay there, self stimming while I watch). We felt like he was evaluating our "parenting," which is not something you want done 45 minutes into your first interaction with a child. You also never want to have that done cross-culturally and through a language barrier :)
When I (Anna) got back to the hotel I looked through the pictures and video that we took of Simon and noticed that he was doing really well with us early on. That gave me some hope.
In between visits, I (Jon) prayed: help, help, help. Because it was so much to take in and Simon's needs seemed so great. It was hard to see and it felt like we were in way over our heads. Help. That was about all I could muster. (Apparently reading some of Anne Lamott's pithy descriptions regarding the folly of the human condition and the necessity for blunt prayer have impacted me a bit.)
Our second visit went SO much better and was a huge blessing as we were able to meet Simon's Baba, Milka. We were invited to watch her feed Simon, and then she joined us for our visit and we were able to watch her interact with Simon...low and behold, she had him up walking around for us!!! (With a great deal of her physical support, of course.) At that moment I remembered how unsure we were that he would ever walk, something that I had completely forgotten along the way. So seeing him excited about learning to walk and taking steps with help was a huge blessing. :) Another blessing from the Lord was when the Baba told us that it was clear that Simon liked us, something that the man from the morning visits had made us feel shaky about.
We kept him in the stroller most of the time, the 2nd time, instead of holding him so much. This seemed to help calm him down a great deal. He looked around a lot from his stroller, attempted to walk, smiled a bit, and made lots of noises. It was very peaceful and exciting to simply experience him and get a picture of what life with him will be like.
Watching him eat was eye opening; it will be something that we will have to work on quite a bit. He ate very slowly and had a lot of difficulty swallowing. But I am confident that we will help him learn how to eat, us and as many doctors as it takes!!!
After all of this we are reminded of how much Simon DRASTICALLY needs to eat more and be nursed back to health. He is so pale and little, buried under layers of mismatched clothing. He has been through so much time alone and through so many hungry days. It is hard for us to imagine. But we also have hope...that as he joins our family he will gain weight and begin to feel better.
These pictures are all super grainy because the only way we have to show you pictures is to take them with the i Pad....and I am not good at taking i Pad pictures. I have some lovely video to show you but I can't figure out how to upload that on to blogger :( When we are home we can show off all of our pictures on the lovely camera we borrowed from Ashley (thank you again!!!).
Please do keep praying for our interactions with Simon. Ask the Lord to give us wisdom as we ask our questions of his caregivers and also that Simon would continue to have peace when he is around us. Thank you all for your love and support!
Sunday, March 24, 2013
In the middle of the "night"
Well it is 2 am here and Jon and I are both awake. Perhaps I was a little too hasty when I told our lawyer that we weren't having any problems with our jet-lag. I seem to wake up after 5 hours of sleep and it feels like it should be 8am. I have been thinking maybe I should stop going to bed at 9pm and that might fix the problem, however at about 9pm I feel like I could collapse. So jet-lag seems to be a thorn in our side.
We have been pouring over an updated file from the government about Simon. Among the strange extra details we have found that they took his weight recently and he now weighs 9 kilograms(almost 20 pounds!), praise the Lord!!! We are very excited about this as I was really hoping he would be over 20 pounds when we brought him home.
Right now there are 2 other adoptive families staying at our hotel and we are all eagerly waiting for the morning to come and along with it our 10am visits to meet our sons. For you Reeces Rainbow fans (peyton, adam and Kramer) Kramer's parents are with the same agency that we are, so essentially they are to us as Tom was to Grace and I. (if that sentence means nothing to you...NO Worries!!) We have shared many meals with this couple and have really enjoyed getting to know them. I am hoping we can all pray together before we go in tomorrow morning!
I LOVE the coffee in this country, although I can't seem to score any steamed milk :) I tried earlier to solve my coffee ordering blues by asking for a latte but that didn't work either :) So I am back to asking for "MmmILLLK" with my coffee and making gestures while looking, I am sure, like a crazy person. Then I gulp down the very small amount of expresso after I dump a little cold milk over the top. It is still wonderful!
Oddly, I already seem to be tired of going out to eat, uh oh. :) I might ask tomorrow where a small grocery store might be where I could just get some basics to keep in our "apartment". That is right, if you are reading this Grace, we scored an AWESOME room at the Rostov. I had asked if we could get a bath tub in our room, because when I get stressed I get muscle spams (I had one right before Grace and I came here) and low and behold that means you have to have an "apartment". I am sitting in a small room next to our small bedroom right now!!!! I know that we are paying more but I am really liking the space, I think it is helping my overall calm mental state, which is very important. I was able to sort of unpack us a little, have suitcases around the bed but still feel like I have plenty of space to breathe and move. And we also have a large bed that we can both sleep in, which is nice for us as this is sort of a bizarre second honeymoon :)
I had been told by some other moms that i could ask to talk to the doctors but I had been wondering if that meant it would cut into our visits. I found out today from my lawyer that I will be able to request "appointments' with anyone who works with SImon. So I can set up appointments with the physical therapist, the doctor and the teachers! My translater, Philip should be able to help us with that tomorrow!!!!
So prayer requests: That I would feel better, my throat kind of hurts, glands are swollen (probably lack of sleep?) Speaking of sleep, we would both like to get a little of that. And just for our visit, which is 10am our time, which will be 3am for most of you reading this. That we will be able to ask all the questions we can...and that we will have a connection to Simon that brings more hope than fear!!
Thank you all for your support. The next time I blog I should have pictures of my son!!!!!
Now....off to bed where I hope I can sleep! Blessings everyone from Bulgaria. Where I am pretty calm, all things considered...so that must be an answer to prayer! :)
We have been pouring over an updated file from the government about Simon. Among the strange extra details we have found that they took his weight recently and he now weighs 9 kilograms(almost 20 pounds!), praise the Lord!!! We are very excited about this as I was really hoping he would be over 20 pounds when we brought him home.
Right now there are 2 other adoptive families staying at our hotel and we are all eagerly waiting for the morning to come and along with it our 10am visits to meet our sons. For you Reeces Rainbow fans (peyton, adam and Kramer) Kramer's parents are with the same agency that we are, so essentially they are to us as Tom was to Grace and I. (if that sentence means nothing to you...NO Worries!!) We have shared many meals with this couple and have really enjoyed getting to know them. I am hoping we can all pray together before we go in tomorrow morning!
I LOVE the coffee in this country, although I can't seem to score any steamed milk :) I tried earlier to solve my coffee ordering blues by asking for a latte but that didn't work either :) So I am back to asking for "MmmILLLK" with my coffee and making gestures while looking, I am sure, like a crazy person. Then I gulp down the very small amount of expresso after I dump a little cold milk over the top. It is still wonderful!
Oddly, I already seem to be tired of going out to eat, uh oh. :) I might ask tomorrow where a small grocery store might be where I could just get some basics to keep in our "apartment". That is right, if you are reading this Grace, we scored an AWESOME room at the Rostov. I had asked if we could get a bath tub in our room, because when I get stressed I get muscle spams (I had one right before Grace and I came here) and low and behold that means you have to have an "apartment". I am sitting in a small room next to our small bedroom right now!!!! I know that we are paying more but I am really liking the space, I think it is helping my overall calm mental state, which is very important. I was able to sort of unpack us a little, have suitcases around the bed but still feel like I have plenty of space to breathe and move. And we also have a large bed that we can both sleep in, which is nice for us as this is sort of a bizarre second honeymoon :)
I had been told by some other moms that i could ask to talk to the doctors but I had been wondering if that meant it would cut into our visits. I found out today from my lawyer that I will be able to request "appointments' with anyone who works with SImon. So I can set up appointments with the physical therapist, the doctor and the teachers! My translater, Philip should be able to help us with that tomorrow!!!!
So prayer requests: That I would feel better, my throat kind of hurts, glands are swollen (probably lack of sleep?) Speaking of sleep, we would both like to get a little of that. And just for our visit, which is 10am our time, which will be 3am for most of you reading this. That we will be able to ask all the questions we can...and that we will have a connection to Simon that brings more hope than fear!!
Thank you all for your support. The next time I blog I should have pictures of my son!!!!!
Now....off to bed where I hope I can sleep! Blessings everyone from Bulgaria. Where I am pretty calm, all things considered...so that must be an answer to prayer! :)
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Update from Amsterdam
We have made it across the ocean. It was a long flight. As you can see from the pictures we experienced a wide range of emotions....mostly we were just wishing the flight could be a little shorter. :)
After a deliriously indecisive conversation about whether or not we should "caffinate" or try to nap...we "decided" to caffinate. I went and bought us both coffee and then Jon laid down on the booth and took a nap. I just finished my coffee and have started in on his.
After a deliriously indecisive conversation about whether or not we should "caffinate" or try to nap...we "decided" to caffinate. I went and bought us both coffee and then Jon laid down on the booth and took a nap. I just finished my coffee and have started in on his.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Preparations
I have spent the last week "preparing" myself for our trip to meet Simon. (we leave in 9 days.) You would think that I might have starting my packing...but I have not :) I have been reading blogs again, one in particular, to try and prepare myself for my return to the orphanage. How different this will all feel, as I go this time not as a friend of an adoptive mother, but as a mother going to meet her son. The emotions going in are much more intense. While I am still stuffing my tears on a regular basis, watching any sort of mother and adoptive child reunion will make my tears overflow the damn of emotional self control. It is always the painful sort of throat aching, burning cry. The joy of seeing a child being loved, mixing with the pain and loss of that child ever being rejected. And that is what I anticipate it will be like to meet Simon.
I am blessed to have had my friend Grace walk this journey before me. When she got Sam home, there was still a grief she worked, and in some ways still works, through. It is the grief of knowing what her daughter must have gone through. The grief of discovering the physical, mental and emotional scars of neglect. So while there is joy in being with her daughter in the background, there is a sorrow, for the dark world that hurt her. This is what I am anticipating. I think in some ways I hope that by blogging all this out, that maybe it will make it hurt a little less.
Last week one of my adoption agency workers was in Bulgaria. She fought hard to make sure, that while she was there, she was able to meet Simon. The comment she shared was that, "He was smaller than I thought he would be". I have said that Simon is 8 years old and 18 pounds so many times now, I think it might have lost meaning. I know that it doesn't shock me anymore. The words, don't shock me anymore. And while I tell myself, he is going to seem even smaller in person, and I tell my hubby that too. I wonder how much it might hurt us to see him finally, in person.
BUT, we are in this for the redemption right? RIGHT. I can't wait until I can have before and after pictures to show you all. But I want to let you know it is okay if the before scares you a little. I think it will probably scare Jon and I a lot while we are there. Of course, our fear will be covered in our love for him. I would like you to look at some of Katie's journey, the final picture is one of her after 4 months of being home. http://theblessingofverity.com/2012/04/for-death-he-gave-me-life-indeed/ (you might have to copy and paste) (Katie was 9 years old and less than 10 pounds when she came home)
I have fielded many questions during this process that involve Simon's capabilities now and in the future. I have no real answers for people, just my assumptions and my vow of love. I will love him no matter what his capabilities are. I will love him for WHO he is....I will love him because he is a child of God and for 8 years no one has shown him the love a child of God deserves. In many ways I am preparing for a infant because cognitively Simon will be much more like an infant than an 8 year old. I will be honest, I struggled with my son Ishmael during infancy, when he was just all needs and no smiles, that was really, really hard. But, once he smiled, I could take a lot more sleepless nights, painful feedings, and poopy diapers. So I guess I really hope I can make Simon smile!! If he is anything like Katie, Sam, Moses, or Noah he will probably start to smile fairly quickly after coming home, he may even smile for us while we are there.
He will seem really small. He might seem really scary, but that is why he needs us. If you keep following our journey I promise that you will see some GLORIOUS before and after pictures eventually, because I believe in Simon's redemption story. I hope that his story will inspire you to write one. You know, the Lord fights for the orphan. I know He does, I watched Him do it this year and if you have followed this journey you have too. I am not some super, extraordinarily, Godly person, I am like you, just as broken, just as tired, just as busy, just as full of doubts and fears. However, God has provided for our adoption of Simon, could he provide for you to adopt??? I bet he could....you should take a step forward and see if He catches you :)
I am blessed to have had my friend Grace walk this journey before me. When she got Sam home, there was still a grief she worked, and in some ways still works, through. It is the grief of knowing what her daughter must have gone through. The grief of discovering the physical, mental and emotional scars of neglect. So while there is joy in being with her daughter in the background, there is a sorrow, for the dark world that hurt her. This is what I am anticipating. I think in some ways I hope that by blogging all this out, that maybe it will make it hurt a little less.
Last week one of my adoption agency workers was in Bulgaria. She fought hard to make sure, that while she was there, she was able to meet Simon. The comment she shared was that, "He was smaller than I thought he would be". I have said that Simon is 8 years old and 18 pounds so many times now, I think it might have lost meaning. I know that it doesn't shock me anymore. The words, don't shock me anymore. And while I tell myself, he is going to seem even smaller in person, and I tell my hubby that too. I wonder how much it might hurt us to see him finally, in person.
BUT, we are in this for the redemption right? RIGHT. I can't wait until I can have before and after pictures to show you all. But I want to let you know it is okay if the before scares you a little. I think it will probably scare Jon and I a lot while we are there. Of course, our fear will be covered in our love for him. I would like you to look at some of Katie's journey, the final picture is one of her after 4 months of being home. http://theblessingofverity.com/2012/04/for-death-he-gave-me-life-indeed/ (you might have to copy and paste) (Katie was 9 years old and less than 10 pounds when she came home)
I have fielded many questions during this process that involve Simon's capabilities now and in the future. I have no real answers for people, just my assumptions and my vow of love. I will love him no matter what his capabilities are. I will love him for WHO he is....I will love him because he is a child of God and for 8 years no one has shown him the love a child of God deserves. In many ways I am preparing for a infant because cognitively Simon will be much more like an infant than an 8 year old. I will be honest, I struggled with my son Ishmael during infancy, when he was just all needs and no smiles, that was really, really hard. But, once he smiled, I could take a lot more sleepless nights, painful feedings, and poopy diapers. So I guess I really hope I can make Simon smile!! If he is anything like Katie, Sam, Moses, or Noah he will probably start to smile fairly quickly after coming home, he may even smile for us while we are there.
He will seem really small. He might seem really scary, but that is why he needs us. If you keep following our journey I promise that you will see some GLORIOUS before and after pictures eventually, because I believe in Simon's redemption story. I hope that his story will inspire you to write one. You know, the Lord fights for the orphan. I know He does, I watched Him do it this year and if you have followed this journey you have too. I am not some super, extraordinarily, Godly person, I am like you, just as broken, just as tired, just as busy, just as full of doubts and fears. However, God has provided for our adoption of Simon, could he provide for you to adopt??? I bet he could....you should take a step forward and see if He catches you :)
Saturday, March 9, 2013
What will he be like?
We officially committed to adopting Simon back in September. But even before then we had spent many weeks reading his file, looking at his picture, watching his video and praying through our fears. Often adoptive families have a "love at first site" kind of story, a "we saw his picture and knew he was our son" kind of story. We didn't have that. We would think and pray about kids and picture them in our family, we did that for a few little girls who ended up finding another family. But looking at SImon's file and file picture, was scary, it was like looking at the face of a child that could really mess our family up. A child that could send us to the hospital, a child that could die and as a family unit that has lost someone very close to us, that is a very serious emotional risk to make. I think after someone close to you dies, you stop taking for granted that things will just work out how you expect them to....so when we stepped out in faith to adopt a child who had been severely neglected it was very scary.
For months I have poured over adoption blogs of parents who have adopted children from SImon's orphanage trying to figure out what Simon will be like. It seems bizarre that in just over 2 weeks we will be meeting him for the first time. So many of our questions will be partially answered and others will be untouched until we get him home and then more questions will never be answered. I will have a list of questions that I plan to ask the doctor at Simon's orphanage but I know that some of these questions won't have an answer. Even kids that are home from this orphanage for a year don't have an official answer to the question, will he eventually grow and catch up to his peers?
While I work so hard not to judge people based on their appearance, I find myself drawing conclusions based on the 25 pictures and very short video that we have of Simon. (the 15 pictures are a HUGE blessing, Grace had only ONE picture when she committed and adopted Samantha) From the little information we have, we have only assumptions about Simon's health and his abilities. And even these assumptions, as shaky as they are, scare me because I want to accept Simon NO MATTER WHAT. We made this vow when we committed to adopting him. We had to work through loving him even if he never walks or never talks....just in case he doesn't.
I did want to share some of these assumptions just so you can have them in your head when we do get to meet our son. I believe they will help you know how to pray for us, while we are in country. Because while I want to be able to write lengthly blogs while we are in country, we may or may not be able to. I have promised many people that we will post photos and videos as we have them (lord help my unsaavy ipad blogger skills and possible poor internet connection!!).
1. We have a picture of Simon in a standing position, it is unclear in the photo if he is holding any of his own weight. But because of this photo, I have faith that someday Simon will be able to stand on his own. (standing could lead to walking...but I feel unable to make ANY assumptions about that at this point)
2. He seems to be "laid back". Now, how can a person tell another person's personality in a short video and pictures (especially if that person doesn't pick out their own clothes! :)) I have NO IDEA... But Jon and I both have the feeling he will "fit" into our family. It is a hope and a prayer and a faith that we have.
3. I think he is "there". Meaning I do think that he has a mentality that is working, and capable of learning. Again, we will love him even if he isn't behind those pretty eyes, but we think that he is. And we will do everything we can to get him to come out of his protective bubble!
Now, those are my assumptions about him based on my photos. What about my expectations of him? Well I will base those of my research of kids from his orphanage and institutions in general. I expect we will find a child that doesn't know how to play with toys. He will probably push our love away. He will most likely have institutional behaviors, like ticks, maybe even grinding of his teeth, but for sure a vacant staring off into space sort of behavior. Most of the kids rock themselves so I would say he will do that too. He looks like from his photos and video that he uses his finger to play with his lips, which I will find horribly endearing!! I am also expecting to be very shocked by how small he is, even though I am praying that they will let me weigh him and he will have gained weight since the report was made that he weighed 18 pounds!!
My concerns? (which is really just a fancy way to say worries.) My only real worry is that when we go to pick him up we will have trouble feeding him. I am pretty sure that this fear will go away once we meet him. One of my wonderful agency workers just saw him in person last week and he was being fed by his Baba from a spoon...so I am trying to calm myself and believe he will eat. Now, whether or not he drinks, is still to be discovered. :) Oh, and I guess along with that, one of my biggest fears would be that we would have to rush him to the hospital at any point during his trip home. But I am getting ahead of myself. Those are concerns for our next trip. The one we are all praying will be in June, right? You are still praying for June? :) Great!
For months I have poured over adoption blogs of parents who have adopted children from SImon's orphanage trying to figure out what Simon will be like. It seems bizarre that in just over 2 weeks we will be meeting him for the first time. So many of our questions will be partially answered and others will be untouched until we get him home and then more questions will never be answered. I will have a list of questions that I plan to ask the doctor at Simon's orphanage but I know that some of these questions won't have an answer. Even kids that are home from this orphanage for a year don't have an official answer to the question, will he eventually grow and catch up to his peers?
While I work so hard not to judge people based on their appearance, I find myself drawing conclusions based on the 25 pictures and very short video that we have of Simon. (the 15 pictures are a HUGE blessing, Grace had only ONE picture when she committed and adopted Samantha) From the little information we have, we have only assumptions about Simon's health and his abilities. And even these assumptions, as shaky as they are, scare me because I want to accept Simon NO MATTER WHAT. We made this vow when we committed to adopting him. We had to work through loving him even if he never walks or never talks....just in case he doesn't.
I did want to share some of these assumptions just so you can have them in your head when we do get to meet our son. I believe they will help you know how to pray for us, while we are in country. Because while I want to be able to write lengthly blogs while we are in country, we may or may not be able to. I have promised many people that we will post photos and videos as we have them (lord help my unsaavy ipad blogger skills and possible poor internet connection!!).
1. We have a picture of Simon in a standing position, it is unclear in the photo if he is holding any of his own weight. But because of this photo, I have faith that someday Simon will be able to stand on his own. (standing could lead to walking...but I feel unable to make ANY assumptions about that at this point)
2. He seems to be "laid back". Now, how can a person tell another person's personality in a short video and pictures (especially if that person doesn't pick out their own clothes! :)) I have NO IDEA... But Jon and I both have the feeling he will "fit" into our family. It is a hope and a prayer and a faith that we have.
3. I think he is "there". Meaning I do think that he has a mentality that is working, and capable of learning. Again, we will love him even if he isn't behind those pretty eyes, but we think that he is. And we will do everything we can to get him to come out of his protective bubble!
Now, those are my assumptions about him based on my photos. What about my expectations of him? Well I will base those of my research of kids from his orphanage and institutions in general. I expect we will find a child that doesn't know how to play with toys. He will probably push our love away. He will most likely have institutional behaviors, like ticks, maybe even grinding of his teeth, but for sure a vacant staring off into space sort of behavior. Most of the kids rock themselves so I would say he will do that too. He looks like from his photos and video that he uses his finger to play with his lips, which I will find horribly endearing!! I am also expecting to be very shocked by how small he is, even though I am praying that they will let me weigh him and he will have gained weight since the report was made that he weighed 18 pounds!!
My concerns? (which is really just a fancy way to say worries.) My only real worry is that when we go to pick him up we will have trouble feeding him. I am pretty sure that this fear will go away once we meet him. One of my wonderful agency workers just saw him in person last week and he was being fed by his Baba from a spoon...so I am trying to calm myself and believe he will eat. Now, whether or not he drinks, is still to be discovered. :) Oh, and I guess along with that, one of my biggest fears would be that we would have to rush him to the hospital at any point during his trip home. But I am getting ahead of myself. Those are concerns for our next trip. The one we are all praying will be in June, right? You are still praying for June? :) Great!
What we "need" for our trip.
I have been debating posting this, but I thought I would give any reader a chance to be in on what is going on in our adoption and the opportunity to bless both us/our trip and the orphanage where Simon lives.
We are leaving on march 22 for our first visit to Simon's orphanage and I plan on bringing with me several items and if you know me, you know that I normally don't just go out and buy things. :) There are several reasons that I have become a "bottom feeder" in our culture. (meaning I just take what others don't use anymore...as opposed to picking out my own things) First and foremost I think being the youngest child in a middle class american family has helped a lot. I was very used to getting hand-me-downs growing up so I am not super particular about my stuff. Secondly, I have seen some poverty in my travels and I have realized that humans can live on very little. Because of this, I have seen that the majority of Americans have a lot of STUFF. And you know what, most of it we don't even need. Even as a bottom feeder I have to clean out my excess stuff on a regular basis. :) So the point of my saying all this is, I could go out and buy all the the stuff I am hoping to take or I could give you all the opportunity to open your closets and share your stuff with Simon and his orphanage. Then I could use the money saved to help support other adoptive families and make our own donation of needed items in Simon's orphanage.
Do I even need to explain why I am asking for help? I don't know. I guess I feel like I have already asked you, my friends and family for so much, you have already helped me raise over 27,000 towards Simon's adoption!!! But you know our story isn't over yet, and I know that last time I said I was going to this orphanage and wanted some donations, the flood gates of heaven opened and we ended up donating $400 of diapers to the orphanage, 75 plus pounds of formula and then had $2,700.00 left over to donate to the medical fund for the kids. Why should this time be in any different?
Here is what I am hoping to bring from your closets: (don't buy any of these items...see next list if you have money :) )
-plastic rings (the ones you can hook on each other and make a chain, could be hooked on cribs/strollers) I hear the kids like these and they can not be purchased in country.
-small toys that light up and make music (ones that hold battery power for a long time would be great) Just a few of these, I don't know how they will be received for sure.
-little mirrors/baby toys to hook on cribs (need to be mostly plastic or material that can be cleaned)
-crinkly books, with BASIC words or no words (since they can't read english anyway)
-sensory books, where there are little parts to touch and feel.
-ladies fashion scarves (I am hoping to bless the baba's and the staff with these, so if you have a nice one that you could donate that would be great.) I already have 30 that were generously donated by a close friend, thank you AGAIN!!!
Here are items from your closets that I just need one or two of to play with Simon with. I would love to leave them with his Baba so that she can continue to play with them with him. As I have been thinking of developmental toys that would be good for him, even though I don't really know where he is at developmentally)
- I would love something like a melissa and doug fill and spill, if someone has one they don't want anymore. I would like to play with Simon with one of those. (I know this is really particular, I need something packable/collapsable that he can put items into and take them out again)
- small stacking cups.
-beach ball and some baloons
-a bag for all this stuff to go in that will be good for Baba to use to keep items together.
(We should be able to use Ishmael's toy supply to provide the rest of the toys I am bringing. I hope to to a blog post that explains everything I am packing, just for you to know, if you are interested :))
Here is what we could use money for:
-buying diapers while we are in country
-asking what the orphanage needs and purchasing items in country (could be linens, food, clothes, who knows??)
- buying kids board books in country (I would love to have a book collection for babas to use with kiddos on their visits. I think showing them how to sit with child on their lap and read to them would be wonderful for these kids and their development emotionally and mentally.)
-If I have a lots of donations that we want to take with us, we will need money to pay to bring another bag of luggage with us. (but I might just limit what we take to fitting in our personal luggage so we don't have an extra cost, especially if we can buy the items in country.)
For our personal use/packing: (here are items I will need to borrow)
-2 med-large backpacks for Jon and I to use as carry on bags. I *think* we have all our other luggage covered.
-additional memory cards for our camera. (we were BLESSED with an ipad for christmas, so we can blog on our trip!!! We will be taking some pictures/video with that to post for you all back home but we will also take our camera to guarantee, quality photos. We will have no way to transfer our precious photos and videos from our camera to make room for more. If you are techy and have other advise let me know, but I was thinking we would just bring a view memory cards for our camera and switch them out as we fill them up!)
- a camera, to be honest I am not really trusting our camera to take great pictures. :) If someone has one they would like to loan us, that is light weight, small, easy to use and takes quality pictures quickly, that you would TRUST us with...we would love to borrow it. If not we will do with what we have and I am sure it will be fine. (jon keeps telling me it will be fine some I am probably just worrying needlessly:) )
Thank you so much for reading this. Please let me know if you have items you would like to donate. If you need my contact info please comment here with your email and I will contact you. Otherwise, I would think most of you are friends with me on facebook or have my phone number...just contact me that way! (It would be awesome if all donations came pre-cleaned/ready to go for the kids, because I am a little overwhelmed already with packing :) )
Again, thank you friend for all you have provided for us and for these kids. Please keep praying for Simon and for our family. Also please pray for other kids in his orphanage to get families, pray for the director to have everything she needs to protect and care for these children. Pray for those working and the orphanage and their Babas to have a deep love for these kids and a teachable spirit as they adjust to the new directors new policies. Pray too that we will get to see and touch other kids while we are there, and that we will be an encouragement to other adoptive parents, orphanage workers and Babas while we are there. THANK YOU.
We are leaving on march 22 for our first visit to Simon's orphanage and I plan on bringing with me several items and if you know me, you know that I normally don't just go out and buy things. :) There are several reasons that I have become a "bottom feeder" in our culture. (meaning I just take what others don't use anymore...as opposed to picking out my own things) First and foremost I think being the youngest child in a middle class american family has helped a lot. I was very used to getting hand-me-downs growing up so I am not super particular about my stuff. Secondly, I have seen some poverty in my travels and I have realized that humans can live on very little. Because of this, I have seen that the majority of Americans have a lot of STUFF. And you know what, most of it we don't even need. Even as a bottom feeder I have to clean out my excess stuff on a regular basis. :) So the point of my saying all this is, I could go out and buy all the the stuff I am hoping to take or I could give you all the opportunity to open your closets and share your stuff with Simon and his orphanage. Then I could use the money saved to help support other adoptive families and make our own donation of needed items in Simon's orphanage.
Do I even need to explain why I am asking for help? I don't know. I guess I feel like I have already asked you, my friends and family for so much, you have already helped me raise over 27,000 towards Simon's adoption!!! But you know our story isn't over yet, and I know that last time I said I was going to this orphanage and wanted some donations, the flood gates of heaven opened and we ended up donating $400 of diapers to the orphanage, 75 plus pounds of formula and then had $2,700.00 left over to donate to the medical fund for the kids. Why should this time be in any different?
Here is what I am hoping to bring from your closets: (don't buy any of these items...see next list if you have money :) )
-plastic rings (the ones you can hook on each other and make a chain, could be hooked on cribs/strollers) I hear the kids like these and they can not be purchased in country.
-small toys that light up and make music (ones that hold battery power for a long time would be great) Just a few of these, I don't know how they will be received for sure.
-little mirrors/baby toys to hook on cribs (need to be mostly plastic or material that can be cleaned)
-crinkly books, with BASIC words or no words (since they can't read english anyway)
-sensory books, where there are little parts to touch and feel.
-ladies fashion scarves (I am hoping to bless the baba's and the staff with these, so if you have a nice one that you could donate that would be great.) I already have 30 that were generously donated by a close friend, thank you AGAIN!!!
Here are items from your closets that I just need one or two of to play with Simon with. I would love to leave them with his Baba so that she can continue to play with them with him. As I have been thinking of developmental toys that would be good for him, even though I don't really know where he is at developmentally)
- I would love something like a melissa and doug fill and spill, if someone has one they don't want anymore. I would like to play with Simon with one of those. (I know this is really particular, I need something packable/collapsable that he can put items into and take them out again)
- small stacking cups.
-beach ball and some baloons
-a bag for all this stuff to go in that will be good for Baba to use to keep items together.
(We should be able to use Ishmael's toy supply to provide the rest of the toys I am bringing. I hope to to a blog post that explains everything I am packing, just for you to know, if you are interested :))
Here is what we could use money for:
-buying diapers while we are in country
-asking what the orphanage needs and purchasing items in country (could be linens, food, clothes, who knows??)
- buying kids board books in country (I would love to have a book collection for babas to use with kiddos on their visits. I think showing them how to sit with child on their lap and read to them would be wonderful for these kids and their development emotionally and mentally.)
-If I have a lots of donations that we want to take with us, we will need money to pay to bring another bag of luggage with us. (but I might just limit what we take to fitting in our personal luggage so we don't have an extra cost, especially if we can buy the items in country.)
For our personal use/packing: (here are items I will need to borrow)
-2 med-large backpacks for Jon and I to use as carry on bags. I *think* we have all our other luggage covered.
-additional memory cards for our camera. (we were BLESSED with an ipad for christmas, so we can blog on our trip!!! We will be taking some pictures/video with that to post for you all back home but we will also take our camera to guarantee, quality photos. We will have no way to transfer our precious photos and videos from our camera to make room for more. If you are techy and have other advise let me know, but I was thinking we would just bring a view memory cards for our camera and switch them out as we fill them up!)
- a camera, to be honest I am not really trusting our camera to take great pictures. :) If someone has one they would like to loan us, that is light weight, small, easy to use and takes quality pictures quickly, that you would TRUST us with...we would love to borrow it. If not we will do with what we have and I am sure it will be fine. (jon keeps telling me it will be fine some I am probably just worrying needlessly:) )
Thank you so much for reading this. Please let me know if you have items you would like to donate. If you need my contact info please comment here with your email and I will contact you. Otherwise, I would think most of you are friends with me on facebook or have my phone number...just contact me that way! (It would be awesome if all donations came pre-cleaned/ready to go for the kids, because I am a little overwhelmed already with packing :) )
Again, thank you friend for all you have provided for us and for these kids. Please keep praying for Simon and for our family. Also please pray for other kids in his orphanage to get families, pray for the director to have everything she needs to protect and care for these children. Pray for those working and the orphanage and their Babas to have a deep love for these kids and a teachable spirit as they adjust to the new directors new policies. Pray too that we will get to see and touch other kids while we are there, and that we will be an encouragement to other adoptive parents, orphanage workers and Babas while we are there. THANK YOU.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Everybody needs a little forgiveness
I remember being with Grace the first time she met Samantha, Grace just kept saying over and over again, "she is perfect!" I was amazed at Grace's instantaneous love for Sam. But now I think I more fully understand that I wasn't witnessing the moment Grace fell in love with her daughter, no, her love started long before that day in April. It started when God moved her heart to adopt, it grew as she gazed at Sam's picture and poured over her one minute video, over and over and over for months and months and months.
That is what we have been doing. We have been looking at Simon's photo, we have been watching his short video on repeat and we have been asking ourselves, what will he be like? Will he be laid back? Will he talk? Will he walk? Will he love us? Will he fit into our family? It is an odd thing to decide to love someone before you have ever met them. But I am writing to say that I believe it is fully possible, because I love my son Simon, and I won't meet him until Monday March 25th. But I know that the moment I do, I will share that same sentiment that Grace had for her daughter on the day that she met her, a complete eclipse of a mother's heart. I know that I will love him no matter what. And that love, hurts.
The last few days have been really hard. I feel like I am trying to everything at once and because of this I am unable to do anything. I suppose I need to move these to do lists out of my mind and onto paper. But the last few days haven't just been hard because I am overwhelmed by my packing list. No, they have been hard because I know too much about where we are going. I am scared because I will never be able to do enough. I hope in three to four months to bring my son home, but when I do, I will be walking out the door of his orphanage, and leaving behind a hundred other children. Some who will never be adopted. Some who will die in their cribs.
This is a hard reality. It is too hard for me to comprehend. This is the orphan grief returning. This is how you feel once you know the truth, it is a helpless...deep...hurt. This is the hurt that I know I share with God, and that does bring some comfort. I know that I would never be able to handle the amount of grief He must feel. Because He knows the truth of everyone's pain and hurt. However, this is why He has made a way for the total and complete restoration of this earth. He makes all things new. Creation is groaning, calling out to him, yearning, to be made new. Because Christ has laid death in His grave, we will rise again and on that day, all the orphans will be loved completely the way God truly intended, before our sin came in and mucked it all up. Before our hatred, wounded our fellow man and before our selfishness killed our children. A time when we walked with God, when we knew Him and were known by Him.
God has been redeeming this orphanage and now I am a part of it and so are you. This is an amazing opportunity but with it comes a humbling responsibility. What is my role? Because I am the adoptive mother, and I want nothing more than to question every staff member there, to shake them and say, "how could you do this?" "This is not okay, you have taken their lives!!" However, there is an entire culture to be considered. My questions will need to be tactfully asked and my responses calculated. I can't show up in this country with my guns blazing ready to tell them they are wrong. What good will that do? You can't change a culture, or a mindset that way, can you?
I live in a culture that I don't fully fit into but I also know that being an American has shaped who I am in many ways. I learned a lot in our public school system, I remember tons of diversity assemblies, I remember being taught to respect people who had different views from me, and I remember being protective of the kids with special needs that went to my elementary school when we entered junior high. I know that self expression and creativity was something that was valued and expected in my high school. So I have no idea what it is like to be raised in a culture that doesn't want diversity. That has perhaps taught kids from day one that they are to conform, and follow directions and not stick out in any way. Perhaps even taught that if they go against what the authorities are telling them, they will be hurt, their families will be hurt. (Or maybe this is just something their grandparents faced?) To be honest I have no idea what growing up in eastern Europe is like, that is for certain, but I do know that even in wake of communism, the soviet skyscrapers still stand. The orphanages they built to hide unwanted children still stand and the views of orphans and Roma people still remain. I know that if I grew up there, I would be a different person.
So, I guess what I am trying to get at is, I would like God to help me love the orphanage workers. They are also children of God, they are not "evil", although they think much differently than me. I suppose that many don't think they have done anything wrong. I think many believe that these kids don't grow because they are sick. I have not been called to bring vengeance. I am not the one who brings justice. I am called to love. To love my neighbor as myself. Even when it is hard, even when my neighbor believes my son is worthless. Even when my neighbor locks my child in a cage and refuses to feed him? Even when my neighbor hangs my son on a cross? Even then Lord, even then? Isn't that the forgiveness that Jesus gives and brings?
This is why God is God, He can feel all the pain of the world. All the pain that we inflict on one another and He still finds a way to forgive us and to restore us.
Help me to forgive Lord. Help me to Love. Please heal my Son from the damage that has been done. Please bring him home as soon as possible. It is my prayer that you would use my hands to love those that work in the orphanage. That you would help me to bring them encouragement. Lord, please open their hearts to see You in me. Guide me as I prepare for this journey.
And to you reading this, please, please pray for us. Because I can only imagine that an 18 pound 8 year old is going to look even smaller in person. And this is my son, and he has been hurt, for no good reason, and I, as his mother, want to make it all better. My heart hurts right now...and we won't be there for another 18 days. Thank you for helping us on this journey. Your words, prayers and contributions are SO important.
That is what we have been doing. We have been looking at Simon's photo, we have been watching his short video on repeat and we have been asking ourselves, what will he be like? Will he be laid back? Will he talk? Will he walk? Will he love us? Will he fit into our family? It is an odd thing to decide to love someone before you have ever met them. But I am writing to say that I believe it is fully possible, because I love my son Simon, and I won't meet him until Monday March 25th. But I know that the moment I do, I will share that same sentiment that Grace had for her daughter on the day that she met her, a complete eclipse of a mother's heart. I know that I will love him no matter what. And that love, hurts.
The last few days have been really hard. I feel like I am trying to everything at once and because of this I am unable to do anything. I suppose I need to move these to do lists out of my mind and onto paper. But the last few days haven't just been hard because I am overwhelmed by my packing list. No, they have been hard because I know too much about where we are going. I am scared because I will never be able to do enough. I hope in three to four months to bring my son home, but when I do, I will be walking out the door of his orphanage, and leaving behind a hundred other children. Some who will never be adopted. Some who will die in their cribs.
This is a hard reality. It is too hard for me to comprehend. This is the orphan grief returning. This is how you feel once you know the truth, it is a helpless...deep...hurt. This is the hurt that I know I share with God, and that does bring some comfort. I know that I would never be able to handle the amount of grief He must feel. Because He knows the truth of everyone's pain and hurt. However, this is why He has made a way for the total and complete restoration of this earth. He makes all things new. Creation is groaning, calling out to him, yearning, to be made new. Because Christ has laid death in His grave, we will rise again and on that day, all the orphans will be loved completely the way God truly intended, before our sin came in and mucked it all up. Before our hatred, wounded our fellow man and before our selfishness killed our children. A time when we walked with God, when we knew Him and were known by Him.
God has been redeeming this orphanage and now I am a part of it and so are you. This is an amazing opportunity but with it comes a humbling responsibility. What is my role? Because I am the adoptive mother, and I want nothing more than to question every staff member there, to shake them and say, "how could you do this?" "This is not okay, you have taken their lives!!" However, there is an entire culture to be considered. My questions will need to be tactfully asked and my responses calculated. I can't show up in this country with my guns blazing ready to tell them they are wrong. What good will that do? You can't change a culture, or a mindset that way, can you?
I live in a culture that I don't fully fit into but I also know that being an American has shaped who I am in many ways. I learned a lot in our public school system, I remember tons of diversity assemblies, I remember being taught to respect people who had different views from me, and I remember being protective of the kids with special needs that went to my elementary school when we entered junior high. I know that self expression and creativity was something that was valued and expected in my high school. So I have no idea what it is like to be raised in a culture that doesn't want diversity. That has perhaps taught kids from day one that they are to conform, and follow directions and not stick out in any way. Perhaps even taught that if they go against what the authorities are telling them, they will be hurt, their families will be hurt. (Or maybe this is just something their grandparents faced?) To be honest I have no idea what growing up in eastern Europe is like, that is for certain, but I do know that even in wake of communism, the soviet skyscrapers still stand. The orphanages they built to hide unwanted children still stand and the views of orphans and Roma people still remain. I know that if I grew up there, I would be a different person.
So, I guess what I am trying to get at is, I would like God to help me love the orphanage workers. They are also children of God, they are not "evil", although they think much differently than me. I suppose that many don't think they have done anything wrong. I think many believe that these kids don't grow because they are sick. I have not been called to bring vengeance. I am not the one who brings justice. I am called to love. To love my neighbor as myself. Even when it is hard, even when my neighbor believes my son is worthless. Even when my neighbor locks my child in a cage and refuses to feed him? Even when my neighbor hangs my son on a cross? Even then Lord, even then? Isn't that the forgiveness that Jesus gives and brings?
This is why God is God, He can feel all the pain of the world. All the pain that we inflict on one another and He still finds a way to forgive us and to restore us.
Help me to forgive Lord. Help me to Love. Please heal my Son from the damage that has been done. Please bring him home as soon as possible. It is my prayer that you would use my hands to love those that work in the orphanage. That you would help me to bring them encouragement. Lord, please open their hearts to see You in me. Guide me as I prepare for this journey.
And to you reading this, please, please pray for us. Because I can only imagine that an 18 pound 8 year old is going to look even smaller in person. And this is my son, and he has been hurt, for no good reason, and I, as his mother, want to make it all better. My heart hurts right now...and we won't be there for another 18 days. Thank you for helping us on this journey. Your words, prayers and contributions are SO important.
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