While we wait.

Waiting. Waiting is hard because when you are waiting most times you have no control. You don't know when the waiting will be over. Sometimes it is hard to keep yourself focused while you wait. For me and this adoption is it also hard for me to keep myself relaxed while I wait. There has been so much to do initially with paperwork and meetings and appointments to get the home-study done. So much busyness getting the commitment documents notarized and apolstilled and checks mailed that now, I feel like I am just twiddling my thumbs. I have been working on my thank-you notes and we had tons to do over christmas, and today and yesterday I have been attacking the ice that plagues our parking lot but as far as the adoption, mostly I just wait.

People keep asking how the adoption is going or what is going on with it and I really don't have much to say right now. I always say the fundraising is going really well....because it is. I think I might be at the point of really believing God is going to pull this whole thing off. I guess it takes about 13,000.00 for me to get to that point :) I didn't do much "fundrasing" this christmas, it was mostly just walking through open doors to talk about my adoption and watching as the Lord opened hearts and handed us money. It is really an amazing thing to watch people's hearts break for something that has broken your own heart and something that clearly breaks God's heart.

So where are we in the process? Well we have mailed off our home-study and other paperwork to the USCIS. (United States Center for Immigration Services) along with an 890.00 check :) They have cashed it so I am hoping that means they are working on our documents?? Normally this process can take between 60 and 90 days. When I mailed my documents in my agency, Lifeline, said that other parents had been hearing back sooner rather than later. I also requested that it be expedited, and a picture of Simon along with his age and weight should help them see my urgency. They will send us a request for us to go to Omaha to get fingerprinted while they are processing our paperwork and after we get that done our agency will help us finish up our dossier documents. After our dossier gets to Bulgaria, gets translated and gets through the legal system there we will get our first travel dates.

While waiting I have taken to Facebook--I watch the other moms' statuses in the Reece's Rainbow group and another group specific to special needs adoptions in Bulgaria. I also look for blogs to read from families that are already home. I pour over my favorite blogs from parents who have children home from Pleven. I take comfort and joy in cyber-ly surrounding myself with others who are going through or have gone through the same process. But there is a delicate balance. I have to watch my emotions carefully. As I try to fill my Simon void online, I still have to function as a mother, a wife, a business manager, a worship leader and a community dweller.

There are moments when I am keenly aware of the pent up sadness inside of me. I have wondered if I need to apologize to my church because each time I lead worship I end up bawling and sometimes I am unable to sing. Often when I am driving with just Ishmael in the car I will begin to tear up. These seem to be times when either my emotional guard goes down or my spirit is so powerful that is overcomes the wall I have around my emotions. This is also a delicate balance, I should probably let myself have more emotional breakdowns. I should probably allow myself to think about Simon in his crib sometimes; however right now there is nothing I can do to get him out of that crib but pray. Can I have urgency without being an emotional wreck? Well, I am trying.

I was at a concert once and ran into an old acquaintance; it took me a minute but then I remembered how we knew one another. I asked him about our mutual friend, and while smiling, he said that he got sick and died. I said, "are you serious?" And he said, "yes I am." Then I asked, "then why are you smiling" and he answered, "so that I won't cry". I didn't understand this until I also reached a point in my grief when I could talk about horrendous loss with the same "inappropriate" facial expression. I can very plainly and matter-of-factly speak about the horrors of children in abusive orphanages, of an 8 year old future son of mine who is 18 pounds. And I am sure people are taken aback. I forget how shocking the truth can be the first time you hear it. Because 7 months into this....it is just the truth...it is just how it is....I wish I could say it wasn't.

So while I wait, I want to thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, for your words of support and for your monetary contributions. Having the support of others who also believe that we are doing God's will to bring an orphan into our home is huge. I can't tell you how blessed I feel to have the friends and family that I have in my life. This adoption has shown me how surrounded we are by believers from all churches in our city, who believe that the Lord loves the orphan, who believe that the will of God has no borders and who believe their money is God's money.

THANK YOU!!!!