The pregnancy perspective

I was talking with a co-worker today about her pregnant belly and I was thinking about the different stages of pregnancy.  I am not going to get scientific here I am just going to talk about what you can and can't see.  There is a point in a woman's pregnancy when she decides to tell the world she is pregnant.  Most women don't wait until people can see it for themselves.  However many women who are concerned about miscarriage will wait until a "safe" zone of pregnancy is passed.  I myself did this when I was pregnant with my son.  I didn't want to have to tell everyone later if I lost him.  I didn't think I could handle that emotionally.  I also know women who have struggled with infertility.  And a woman who is struggling in that area is also not going to announce to the world that she is trying to get pregnant.  Why?  Well the reason is kind of the same.  Because you don't want to end up in a situation when people are asking you repeatedly about something that is already hurting you deeply.

My husband and I have kind of been feeling that way about the adoption process.  We aren't sure when we are supposed to tell people we are adopting.  What if we tell people we are and then we fail the home study and in essence, "lose our baby"?  But international adoption is a different beast because you are hoping people will help you raise support for your adoption. This has been tricky for us too.  We both feel that in order to ask for support we should know who it is that we are adopting.  Yet I am having trouble committing to anyone just yet.  It seems like such a huge decision.  And again, what if we commit to a child (and bite the bullet on the 3,000 agency fee along with the 2,500 home study fee) and we fail to pass our home study?  Or what if we commit to a child, pass the home study and then realize, wait we don't have another 20,000!!!

I know a lot of this sounds like fear AND I know that the only way to get through this is to finish the home study and just find out.  AND that if the Lord allows us to pass the home study $20,000 isn't much to him But that doesn't seem to keep my questioning mind at bay.

I think the one thing the silent woman struggling with infertility or who fears a miscarriage is missing is the support and prayers you receive when you tell people. So here I am saying we are in the "trying to get pregnant" stage of our adoption.  If you would care to pray for that....please do.

Silence

So I haven't written since we have been back.  I had someone tell me the other day that they were waiting for an update and I never wrote one.  Sorry about that.  I think that I had seen my blogging as more of people following Grace's story in Bulgaria and less of people following the story of me. :)

After we got home we donated the rest of the money that was given to us to a fund to pay for nurses to come to Pleven.  (2,352.29 ish).  Grace also started a prayer walk for Sam.  You can read about it on her blog and then participate if you would like.  I found out through my participation that my work really isn't very far from my house. (i walked round trip twice and it was only 3.5 miles...after that I started to ride :))  If I really want to help Grace rack up the walking miles and I am going to have to do more than walk to and from work!

My days have been filled with my family and normal life activities but also with tons of research about orphans and adoption.  I have really been wearing myself out.  I find that I wish I could save all orphans, but I know that I can't.  I dream about adopting but then I start to ask these questions.....who should I adopt? what age should they be? should they be local or international:? should they be Russian or Bulgarian? Should they be older or younger?  Could my choice in this screw up my family?  how would we fund an international adoption?  Should we start this process now?  Why am I doing this?  am I trying to fill a need or are we supposed to do this?

I try to calm myself by researching all the possibilities but to be honest then I get a little overwhelmed.  I have told myself time and time again to stop "shopping for kids". Yet today I spent an hour reading through local foster children's profiles picking out ones that would fit into our home. :(  The book I have been reading has helped me to realize that Jon and I could be really great parents to a kid with some after effects of abandonment and institutionalization.  Jon has told me for years that we would be good at it. But I wanted to hear that from some "experts".  I am not saying it would be easy but I am saying with some research, parenting tips and patients I think we as people could be well equipped.  Perhaps God has prepared us for this?

I want to start my own blog all about this journey I am on but I am also afraid to do that. What if we don't do this?  What if we fail our homestudy?  What if my family tells me I am crazy?  However in many ways it seems weird to me that I am so silent about what is going on in my head.  I read blog after blog of people who are raising awareness about adoption, about Reece's rainbow and about Pleven.  Couldn't I be doing this too?

So if anyone is out there monitoring my blog silence...keep your eyes posted for a new blog...once I commit to a name.  (this too has delayed me)