lawn mowers and vacuums

The other day I was vacuuming the house and Ishmael (my 2 year old) wanted to help.  So I let him stand in front of me with his little hands on the vacuum and "help" me.  He wasn't a whole lot of help.  In fact I know that the whole thing took me twice as long.  But he was having a blast....and that was really what was important.  He got to feel like he was "mommy's little helper" and I got to see his face light up while doing house work!

It reminded me of that old saying about us believers working with God.  I have heard it said that God is like a man mowing the lawn who lets his child stand in front of him to "push the mower".  Now, I am not a fan of children around lawn mowers and for good reason! (for those of you who don't know my husband lost a leg in a lawn mower accident as a boy) However I do think the point of the story still stands. That when we think we are doing God's work and helping him "mow the lawn" God is doing all the work and He is just letting us help.  I think our call as believers is much simpler than we make it.  And in my case I tend to take too much responsibility upon myself to get the job done.

I have tried to keep this in mind with my fundraising for this adoption.  Bringing our little Simon home will cost around 22,000.00.  Which to me sounds like A LOT.  But I know that it isn't impossible for God.  He has made it clear time and time again. (we have raised 8,000.00 so far)  I know that HE is the one raising the money.  HE is the one guiding hearts to give of their extra income to help us bring Simon home.  The other day my friend, in response to a large sum of money coming in said, "see, now are you done worrying about fundraising?"  I wish I could confidently say, YES.  However I am still a sinner and I still struggle with the faith to move mountains. Which is really sad.  I am not the one driving this lawn mower, or vacuum....it is God.  So why do I try so hard to make it happen?

Every night I pray for Simon.  For his heart, for his mind and for our adoption.  But I also pray that God would "help my unbelief".  It is hard for me to give up control.  And an international adoption is not something where you ever really feel in control.  This is a good test for me and clearly a learning experience.  I wish that I would stop trying to push the lawn mower and just walk behind it, safe in the father's arms.   He must look down at me as I strive with all my might to make it go faster and think, "silly Anna, don't you know that I am in control?"

Please keep praying for our hearts.  I can't share it right now but we are trying to make some big decisions and we have hit some walls.  I don't know if these walls are another test in our faith in God's ability to move mountains or just God moving us in a new direction.  Thank you everyone who has supported us through giving, praying or just saying supportive things to us.  Your gifts are grand and they help us move forward, to follow the call of a God with a much bigger plan to love these orphans and bring them into family.

Here are the things that are going on right now that will help us in our fundraising:

1. there is a matching grant of 1,000.00 until the end of December.  We have 550.00 so far, so only 450.00 needs to be donated and we will have not 1,000.00 but 2,000.00 towards our adoption!!!!  You can bring in or mail donations to Trinity Chiropractic 3120 O street Lincoln Ne 68510.  Or donate on my blog (see chip in on right hand side...you pick, one with a tax deduction and one without....(please mail any large donations to either Reece's Rainbow or Trinity to keep paypal from taking a cut!)

2. Our dear friend Natalie, aunt of Grace's Samantha who came home from Simon's orphanage just a few months ago, is making BEAUTIFUL hair combs and jewelry.  Please see her blog for items you might like to purchase for yourself or for any lovely ladies on your Christmas list:  http://pricklythistlecreations.blogspot.com/

3. I have a few hats and some art for sale on my facebook page.  Click here to see the hats and here to see the art.  Thank you to my wonderful friends (Holly on the hats and Daniel on the art) who have created these masterpieces and donated them to my adoption.  

Thank you again for reading, praying and giving!!

Why we are fundraising

I am not a person that can ask for financial help easily, let's just get that information out there. I guess in some ways I am hoping people will want to help us because we aren't adding a child to our home for our own glory. Nor are we desiring to complete our perfect family unit.(not that adopting for that reason is wrong at ALL) I am not struggling with infertility as far as I know :)

We decided to adopt to save a child from life in an institution, one I first learned about through my friend Grace and through this blog.  http://theblessingofverity.com/ While my husband and I are trying to be as open as possible about finding the child we will adopt we have been moving toward adopting from this orphanage, the one the Bulgarian media call "Auschwitz" just a few months ago. We know there have been some improvements however the children in this orphanage still have a long way to go. I was overwhelmed just yesterday by the new pictures and descriptions of children just posted on Reece's Rainbow that are up for adoption from this institution. (you can see them by going to http://reecesrainbow.org/ in the search box type in #11 and you will be shown children from there)

I don't know what I can and can't share and perhaps this will all be removed later. I found these pictures on another person's blog that show the inside of this orphanage. I thought you might like to see them. Go here http://jamesonetwentyseven.weebly.com/adopting-from-bulgaria.html (these photos have been removed.  If you click on background of Simon's Orphanage on my page you will find some articles and pictures of conditions in pleven)

I also found this story on a different blog, while it is not about the place I visited, I really identified with how this mom felt about leaving these kids behind. http://www.nogreaterjoymom.com/2010/06/i-left-my-heart-there.html

Adopting from Bulgaria costs about 22,000.00 give or take a couple thousand, which when you are talking about this big of a number what is a couple thousand either way? I would LOVE to raise it all, however we are also willing to take out some loans as well.  Thanks so family and friends we have been able to raise over 7,000 which has taken us this far.  (We have paid off our home study and our commitment fees.  We have also made 2 agency fees!!)

So I am just hoping that if you feel so led you might want to be a part of helping us free an orphan from this institution by donating to our cause. There is a box in the top right hand corner of this page where you can donate through paypal. You could also mail us a check at 2740 R street Apt 2 Lincoln Ne 68503.  We also have a link to our Reece's rainbow family profile.  Your donation will be tax deductible if you donate through RR.  If you mail a check to RR we will get all of the money, there are fees if you use your credit card....sadly.

I did some math that I found interesting...Now we all now that not every friend of ours on facebook is really a "close friend". Especially if you have my personality or view facebook simply as a networking place :). I have 698 "friends" on facebook. If each of them donated 32.00 my adoption would be fully funded. Isn't that crazy???  (I posted this on my facebook page and had a little over 15 facebook friends send me 32.00 or more!!)

A Pleven Update

I wanted to share with you all an update on things at Simon's orphanage.  Many of you donated money when Grace and I went to there for diapers and formula.  We ended up having about $2,000 leftover and we donated it to the Pleven Fund for nurses to be staffed at the orphanage (on the 6th floor).  So some of you have contributed to the great things happening right now.  God is doing amazing things there.  Pray he will keep healing the children and that he will bring more adoptive families to take these kids home.

Here is the link:
http://theblessingofverity.com/2012/10/to-god-be-the-glory-pleven-update/

Here is the story copy and pasted from the blog link above.



Friends, may I present to you, with tears of joy, the latest and greatest update on the Pleven baby house, copied by permission from Shelley Bedford’s blog:

Last week, Toni, who is the director of the Bulgarian non-governmental organization responsible for overseeing the Pleven Medical Fund (PMF), went to Pleven to visit with the new director and to see, first hand, the changes that have taken place at the Pleven orphanage. I am very pleased to report that there have been MANY WONDERFUL CHANGES since Dr. Georgieva took over as the director of the orphanage. She is truly working for the good of the children and making a lot of very positive changes at the orphanage. She has a HUGE job ahead of her and she continues to need a lot of help to fund all the necessary projects that need to be completed to ensure that ALL of the children living at the orphanage in Pleven have all of their needs met. There are so many older children who suffered YEARS of neglect and the condition that they are in as a result of that won’t be fixed quickly.

Below is a report of some of the positive changes that have already happened, some of the changes that are in the process of happening and future projects that we will be seeking donations for:

Changes that have already been made:
1.) One of the first changes Dr. Georgieva made was to the kitchen staff. The entire staff was fired and replaced by a staff that would make feeding the children good quality food a priority. The glass beer bottles used to feed the children are GONE. The liquid mixtures of flour and low calorie liquids are GONE. The children are being fed high quality solid foods. All the children that are capable are being taught to eat from a spoon and they are fed foods with as thick of a texture as they can tolerate. The children who still require bottle feeding are fed while sitting upright and given time to digest their food. Their caloric intake has been increased to an acceptable amount needed so that they can grow and gain weight. GONE are the days of the children having a bottle shoved in their mouth while they were lying flat on their back. GONE are the days of the quick 2-3 minute feedings. The staff is required to take time feeding each child individually and this is monitored. How is it monitored? Well, that is the next positive change!

2.) Dr. Georgieva installed CAMERAS throughout the orphanage to monitor the staff’s interactions with the children. This allows her to watch the children being fed, how the staff is holding the children, how often diapers are being changed….and when staff members are sitting around chatting and not working with kids. All of this is being strictly monitored. As you can imagine, not everyone is happy about this change. There has been some staff turn over as Dr. Georgieva works to ensure that only people who truly want to be there caring for the children are on staff.

3.) All the children are having their diapers changed 5-6 times a day at a minimum. Again, this is monitored using the cameras and the director is holding the staff accountable for this as well. For those interested in donating money designated specifically for diapers, this can now be done through the PMF. The diapers will be purchased and given to the orphanage and an official donation receipt will be issued by the orphanage, translated and provided to the donor. If you are interested in doing this, after you make the donation to the PMF, please send me a copy of the Paypal invoice via email (shele337@gmail.com) so that I can ensure that the correct amount is designated specifically for diapers and that you receive a donation certificate after the diapers are purchased.
All donations to the PMF are tax deductible through Eli Project.

4.) If you’ve seen any photos of children that were recently adopted from Pleven (particularly, the older children), one thing that is pretty noticeable is the horrible condition their teeth are in. This was a result of the lack of nutrition and the lack of dental care. EVERY SINGLE CHILD in the orphanage has now seen a dentist (this is paid for by their National Health Insurance) and the children who need it will receive appropriate dental care.

5.) Many of the older children have osteoporosis as a result of years of malnutrition. Dr. Georgieva is in the process of beginning treatment for this. The PMF is covering the cost to have all the children tested for osteoporosis. These tests are being conducted this month. Once the results are back, all the children that have a confirmed diagnosis of osteoporosis will begin treatment for it. The estimated cost for this is $1,000, though an exact amount won’t be known until all the testing is complete. The medication required to treat the children diagnosed with osteoporosis will be covered by the Bulgarian National Health Insurance and treatment will continue for as long as it is needed.

6.) The PMF is currently working to fund a vehicle for the orphanage. This vehicle is used specifically for transporting children to medical appointments, to the hospital if they are sick, etc. The vehicle that was previously owned and used by the orphanage to transport children broke down about a month ago. The vehicle was assessed by a mechanic and it would cost more to repair the vehicle than to replace it with a different (used) vehicle. Since this vehicle is used to meet medical needs, the director asked if the PMF could help with this expense. Estimates have been received and the total amount needed to fully pay for a vehicle to be used by the orphanage for medical appointments is $2,848, which includes having the new vehicle assessed by a mechanic, purchasing the vehicle, paying the notary that does all the legal paper work and paying for the title. $1715 of that has already been raised through a fundraiser conducted by [Makayla's mom] Susan in which she was raising money for her own adoption from Pleven and pledged to give any money donated above the amount she needed to the PMF specifically to help pay for the vehicle. So, the remaining amount needed to cover the vehicle is $1133. Since over $1700 has already been raised for this purchase, the vehicle has been secured and is already at the orphanage for use to transport the children to medical appointments. Donations can be made through the PMF to help cover the cost of the vehicle. Here are some photos of what it looks like:



7.) Dr. Georgieva has installed a GPS in the vehicle. This is so that she can strictly monitor where the vehicle goes to ensure that it is only used to transport the children to medical appointments and not being abused by the staff for personal use.

8.) Nurses have been interviewed and approved by the director to work on the 6th floor. The money to pay the salaries of these two nurses was raised through another non-governmental organization (not the PMF) and these nurses will start work as soon as the contracts are signed with the non-governmental organization. Both ladies are well qualified and eager to work with the children. One of them is even a foster parent! They are both Christians and are ready to be the hands and feet of Christ while working with the children on the 6th floor. The money was raised to cover the salary of both nurses for an entire year.

9.) Dr. Georgieva is working to establish a standard of care and expected schedule for the Babas and therapists that work at the orphanage under contract with other non-governmental organizations. She is working to ensure that these people are actually doing the job that they are being paid for and the children are receiving the maximum benefit of having these people in the orphanage each day. In the future, there will be an opportunity to fund Babas and other staff members through the PMF. However, at this time, Dr. Georgieva has asked for time to get the currently employees all working efficiently before adding any additional personnel.

10.) Dr. Georgieva has brought in a physical therapist from the University Hospital in Pleven to evaluate all the children. This physical therapist has volunteered her time and evaluation services. The doctor has made the recommendation that each child with special needs such as cerebral palsy (and any other child with a physical disability or physical delays) receives one hour of physical therapy every single day. This includes massages, positioning and the use of therapy equipment. She is helping to set up a physical therapy schedule for the children to ensure that every child who needs therapy is receiving it.

Current projects that need funding:
Dr. Georgieva has set a goal to bring EVERY CHILD in the orphanage out of their crib and down to the dining room for meal time. She wants to set it up so that at meal-times, the caretakers and the Babas will take all the healthy kids and all the kids with special needs who physically could be brought down to the dining room to eat. That would mean getting them out of the cribs, diversifying the environment of the children and teaching them that the place where you sleep is not a place where you also eat. That will also provide some walking to the kids and some change in their routine. Most importantly, that will teach them the right way of eating, being independent with spoons and get rid as much as possible of the bottles. The director is not aiming at anything luxurious or huge, she just wants to make it a cozy, bright place, as it should be for children. Several things need to be done in order for this to happen:
1.) The dining room must be completely renovated. This is what the dining room looks like now:







For THREE DECADES, it has been used as a storage room. It is in desperate need of repairs. A quote has been given for the cost to make the repairs to the dining room. This includes: removing all the old sinks and buying new ones and installing them/getting them operational; removing the old paint from the walls; ground coat of all walls; painting of all walls; removing the old windows which leak and are broken, buying new ones and installing them, replacing the doors and the lights and any other repairs that are needed to make the dining room functional. The total cost for this, which includes supplies and labor, is $1,800.
We have stepped out in faith and said, “People will step up and fund this,” and the work to clear out the dining room has already started this week.

2.) Adaptive high chairs are needed for the children with physical disabilities to sit in while in the dining room. These can be purchased for $60-100 each. Due to the fact that there are many children with cerebral palsy and other disabilities that physically limit the children’s movement, several adaptive high chairs are going to be needed in order to accommodate all the children.
$3,000 could renovate the dining room AND provide 12 adaptive high chairs so that EVERY CHILD at Pleven could be brought out of their crib and down to the dining room for meals.
If you’d like to make a donation toward the dining room renovation project, tax deductible donations can be made through Eli Project for the PMF.
Additional needs:
The orphanage needs several gait trainer walkers for use with the children. These walkers support the children’s chest while working with them on building strength and mobility. These are especially important for the older children. Dr. Georgieva is currently pricing gait trainer walkers and donations will be accepted to cover the purchase of these as well.
The final recommendation from the University doctor who has done the physical therapy evaluations is the purchase of four specific therapy devices to be used on the children with cerebral palsy, paralysis and those with disabilities that cause respiratory or lung issues. The total cost for these 4 devices, including a 2 year warranty on each device, transportation/shipping cost to get them from Sofia (where they have to be purchased from) and training on how to use the devices for the staff is $5,200. If you’d like to make a donation toward the purchase of these devices, you can do so through the PMF.
Just as a general update on how the money from the PMF has been spent to date:
Children from the orphanage are continuing to go to Tokuda for evaluations and treatment. Surgeries are being performed, children are being fitted for orthopedic shoes and splints (and these are being purchased through the PMF), blood tests, genetics test, metabolic tests, CT scans, lenses for cataract surgeries and any other medically necessary procedures are being done. Dr. Georgieva has also found doctors at the University Hospital in Pleven that are willing to provide some treatments and testing for the children at a reduced price. This option is being explored as a possibility to meet some more of the immediate needs and the medical expenses for some of the younger children that are not suffering from malnutrition and only need immediate medical care/testing, so that travel to Sofia is not required.
There is $20,600 remaining in the PMF as of the end of last week.
Now that the medical needs of the children are being met and the nutritional needs are being addressed, Dr. Georgieva has begun looking forward to what her DREAM is for the orphanage.

We asked her for her “wish list” and this is what she said:
1.) Renovating the day center, which is where the Babas and caregivers take the children to play, by adding new educational toys and learning items that have a specific purpose in improving the development of the children
2.) A sensory room
3.) A physical therapy ROOM (renovating the current space): to be equipped with a ball pit, floor to ceiling mirrors and other items used specifically for motor development
4.) Oxygen treatment equipment for the children with severe medical needs that require oxygen in order to live

Just as a side note to these “dream” items and how many children would benefit from them, since we are often asked how many children currently live in this particular orphanage:
The orphanage has 3 different “sections” that fall under Dr. Georgieva’s care. One section is what most people typically think of as a “baby orphanage”…the place where orphans from birth to age 3-4 live until they are old enough to be transferred on to the “older child orphanage” in Pleven. The second section is the older children with special needs. This is why there are older children at this orphanage. These children all have some type of medical issue or more serious special need and they stay in this section at Pleven instead of being transferred to an institution. The third section is a mother and child section. Here, mothers come with their newborns and live there. They learn how to care for their child and have the child’s physical and medical needs met. The goal of this section of the orphanage is to teach these mothers how to meet the needs of their new baby. Sadly, Dr. Georgieva reports that many of these mothers still end up leaving their babies at the orphanage. Thankfully, Bulgaria has a very active domestic adoption program, so the newborns who are healthy are adopted very quickly. The babies with special needs stay at the orphanage longer. Those with more significant special needs that are rejected by Bulgarian families for adoption are eventually registered for international adoption. Since there are 3 different sections to this orphanage, MANY children would benefit from all the proposed changes to the orphanage.
We are THRILLED to see so many positive changes happening at Pleven. The need is still great and there is still much work to be done. There are several projects that will need funding over the next year and we are praying that people will step out and offer the financial support needed to see this complete overhaul of the conditions at this orphanage come to fruition. It is a BIG job, but it can be done with the prayer and support of many.
I have debated sharing this part of the update that I received, but I believe that it is just as important as all of the rest:
We are asking for those who believe accordingly to PRAY for Dr. Georgieva and the work that she is doing. MANY changes have been made and much work has been done. Not everyone is happy with what she is doing. There are people who thought that nothing was wrong with the previous conditions at Pleven. There are many who still think that the children are not worth it. There are those standing in the background watching…and hoping that Dr. Georgieva fails at what she is doing. She still faces opposition to the changes. SHE IS IN THE TRENCHES fighting for the children of Pleven and she needs the prayers of Christians to lift her up as she continues the fight. Even if you can not provide a monetary donation toward all the projects happening at Pleven, you can pray for the director, for the children and for all the good things that are in the works to come to fruition so that the CHILDREN of Pleven reap the benefits of all that is being done.
As a final recap, the current needs through the PMF are:
1.) The remainder of the funds for the vehicle: $1,133
2.) The dining room renovation: $1,800
3.) Adaptive high chairs for the dining room: $1,200
4.) Physical therapy equipment: $5,200
As quickly as these financial needs are met, we will begin working with Dr. Georgieva on her “dream” list!
~Shelley Bedford

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.”
“…our God is in heaven; He does whatever He pleases.”
“For of Him, and through Him, and to Him are all things.  To Him be the glory forever, Amen.“


Bonus Post Script–
Susanna:  Shelley, as I prepare to re-post your Pleven update, I am anticipating a question I know I will receive, and I’d like to have an answer ready. If there is still over $20K in the PMF, why can’t these other expenses you listed be drawn from that existing fund?
Shelley:  We have discussed that at length. It actually CAN be used, since all of these things are related to meeting the medical needs of the children. However, our fear was that people would get mad if we used that money for something other than paying hospital/actual medical expenses, since that was how we said we would use it when we asked for those initial donations. We’ve tried very hard to maintain the integrity of the PMF with accountability, so we didn’t want to spend money that was donated for hospital care to go for something else.

You have no idea how much we agonized about that.  It would have been SO easy to just spend the money in the account for everything that the orphanage needs. But, that wasn’t what it was donated for…and I am PRAYING that people will give for all of these projects too.

Susanna:  I hope people are impressed with HOW FAR their money will go! What was the original total given to the PMF?
Shelley:   $36,580 was the initial deposit into the fund. $16K has gone a LONG way!!! I told Toni that here in the US, one hospitalization for one child that included X-rays, tests and a surgery would go over that amount in a DAY!

Brokenness and a song

I am feeling a little broken today...I am not sure if that makes it a good blogging day or not but I will do it anyway.

My life currently seems to be a mix of fundraising, running from grief and fear and filling out paperwork.  To be honest for the past few days I have been feeling like a failure at all of those things and have mostly been moving through the motions of life while only being "in it" when I play with my son Ishmael.  I love him so much and he brings me so much joy.  When I play with him I sometimes find myself wondering how Simon will fit into our lives.  How long will it be before we will be able to play cars with Simon on the living room floor?  I know it will be a while before we get him home but I find myself wondering how long once we have him home will it be before we can teach him to play?  And then I think of how much I love both my sons but how hard it is to let myself love Simon because I can't rescue him yet.  And the more I love him the more I must face the fact that he is being abused and neglected right now.

I wonder a lot about his brokenness.  Physically and mentally.  We have committed to him so of course we will love him no matter what...that is not my issue.  I think about where we might start in his development...getting him to eat from a bottle, teaching him to sit up, teaching him to crawl?  It seems bizarre to picture yourself needing to do these things with an 8 year old child.  And this brings me back to my grief.

I am a mess of tears and emotions thinking about the kids in Simon's orphanage.  My world has been rocked this week by a new understanding of their abuse.  It is hard to know the truth about how badly these children have been abused.  Knowing that truth makes it all the harder to function in daily society.  When I tell people about our adoption and they ask me questions, such shallow questions, questions that make me want to scream the truth to them.  But then there are others days when I think, lucky for them, they can live without knowing the horrors of the orphan.  They don't spend days and nights weeping for them.  They can go about their business without thinking about the crib that holds THEIR child.  Wondering how they will ever get enough money to break them out of their cell.

I have this same problem when people talk about their possessions or their money.  Because I need money.  I need other people's money.  I have gone into this adoption praying God will provide the $22,000.  I will admit that I struggle to just let God handle this whole thing.  I know he is in control...but I still need to do my part.  And what is my role in fundraising?  How do I keep asking people for money?  OR how do I stop myself from putting a hand out to people who seem to have a lot of money?  Don't tell me any stories about having a lot of cash or you will cause me to sin!!!

I wrote a song a few weeks ago.  I went through a box of kleenx while writing it.  It is a song for Simon.  I had just read about a family whose children died in the orphanage before they were able to get her home.  I began to have fear creep in about Simon's health and his condition.  To be honest we don't know how much time we will get to have him in our lives.   I have a video of me singing the song but I couldn't get it uploaded to you tube.  Perhaps I will figure that out soon and share it with you.  I do plan on recording an album to sell....as a fundraiser.  (I feel like i need to sell everything that isn't nailed down)

I think that a lot of internationally special needs adoptive parents must be going through the feelings that my husband and I are.  I am hoping that God will give me songs that will help them on their journey as well.  Because I know that crying through music helps me to process, grieve and feel.  So here is to that.  Please pray more music will come and that eventually God will use it to help fund Simon's adoption!

Here are the song lyrics:  Here is a video of my song:

Eyes that once scared me
now break my heart
this is how this mother's love
is going to start
Do you hear me my son?  I'm praying
Do you hear me my son? I'm calling.
Do you hear me my son? I'm coming for you.

I know your body's broken
but I don't know whats wrong
I pray to God to comfort you
because my arms just aren't that long

Do you hear me my son?  I'm praying
Do you hear me my son? I'm calling.
Do you hear me my son? I'm coming for you.

Sometimes I am scared to love you
because I know it will hurt
but it can't hurt worse than what
they've already done to you

Do you hear me my son?  I'm praying
Do you hear me my son? I'm calling.
Do you hear me my son? I'm coming for you.

I'm on my way
I'm on my way
I will be there
I am coming

I'm on my way
I'm on my way
I will be there
I am coming

Won't you hold on?
Won't you hold on?
I will be there
I am coming.......for you.

When life gives you apples….make applesauce.

 [FYI: I started writing this blog several weeks ago..I decided it was time to finish and post..and a disclaimer for our family-- this post is griefy]


A few weekends ago the apple fairy came by our place and blessed us with the biggest box of apples I have ever seen in my life.  (We often have fairies that come by and leave food on our porch for our community and neighbors.  Whoever you are, I thank you, you are a blessing!!!)  At first I didn’t know how we were ever going to use or eat that many apples.  I am not a person that likes to see food go to waste, but I am also not a person that really knows what to do to prevent it.  My sister-in-law happened to be by and she said, “Those look like good applesauce apples; my mother makes great applesauce every year." So I called up my mother-in-law and we invaded her house and spent six hours making applesauce.  As we dug into the box, we found some less than desirable apples.  And we found quite a few large worms digging their way through as we cut.  But in the end we made something sweet and new out of the apples, something that we can freeze and use later.

Grief can be a little like a large box of apples dropped on your porch.  You don’t really see it coming, but once it arrives you have to deal with it before it gets worse, before it eats you from the inside out like a worm in the apple box.  Dealing with grief is a process and I really wish it was as simple and uniform as making applesauce.  It is hard and painful to face but I can say with certainty that you aren’t going to end up with anything sweet at the end if you don’t face the pain and work through it.

A few weeks ago Jon’s dad spoke at our church.  His message was about when good news and bad news enter your life at the same time.   His example was from the story of  David and his son Absolom.  Absolom was taking over David’s kingdom and they were at war.  When David’s men defeated Absolom’s men, David found out that they had won the war but also that his son was dead.  David began to mourn, and after a time his men came to him to say that he needed to stop mourning and take the throne--that otherwise his kingdom would fall apart.   Sam (Jon’s dad) talked about how even though David was mourning, he still needed to do what God had called him to do.  

We lost Jon’s brother on Feburary 8, 2010.  As a family we spent weeks in a hospital praying for his recovery, but in the end he passed away.  Although two years have passed, at times it is hard to keep moving forward.  We have felt called to adopt a child out of Pleven, yet each child we look at has a long list of health conditions.  This triggered grief for us.  What might we have to face when we brought a child home?  Would we spend weeks in the hospital again?  Would it end like the last time?  Should we put our son, our parents, and our siblings through this experience with us?  It was a lot to work through and a lot to talk through.  Many tears were shed.  Sam's message at church seemed to say to us that we can’t let our fear about the past keep us from doing what God has called us to do.  So we decided to move forward and adopt the child who had forced us to face some of our grief demons.   But then loss struck again.  The child we had hoped for, prayed for and imagined in our home already had a family.  How could this be?  We already felt so close to him.  We had already spent days and weeks talking about him, pouring over his file and letting him into our hearts. I found myself taking a few weeks off of reading adoption blogs, looking at children, or, sadly, even working on paperwork.  I needed time to heal. 

I think advocating for these kids, the special needs orphans, especially ones in Pleven, can be a journey through grief.  It has been for me.  Jon and I were talking about it and he said that normally you grieve something that you have lost.  And I said that I grieve for what all the children have lost.  Their chance at a life outside of a crib.  Their chance at growing and being fed and experiencing love. Their lives that have been stolen from them.   I remember after our David died feeling like the world was spinning madly and I couldn’t understand why because it felt like time had stopped for us.  I was amazed that people could be carrying on about their business.  Everything seemed trivial in light of life and death.  I feel that way about the kids in Pleven.  I visited a church a few weeks ago and felt annoyed that we were all sitting their talking about our sins when there were kids starving to death.  That is when I realized I might be working through some grief.

Like I said before, grief is something you have to work through and like the box of apples, there are lots of layers.  We are not done working through our grief about David, about hospitals and about our prayers going unanswered.  The layers are deep and the triggers are numerous.  As you know, we got a second chance to adopt the child we had been praying about, and we have named him Simon.  (Simon, means "to hear" or "to be heard".  God has heard his cries and we will bring him home.)  A new grief is now coming on.  The grief of loving a child who has been hurt, mistreated, abandoned and forgotten.  And the grief of adding another member to our family that will never know his uncle David.  I have been stuffing this grief down into my heart, and like the box of apples, the worming tears of grief are making their way out to the surface. 


My one hope is that this time when I grieve, I am not blaming God.  I know that He is so clearly in this process.  I have been watching Him work to free these children and I feel blessed to be apart of what He is doing.  As the funds come pouring in for our adoption I feel His comfort and healing and I feel His love through every person who helps us along the way.  Does it lesson the pain?  No, not really, but it gives the pain a purpose and it gives me hope that God is taking these worm filled apples and making them into something sweet.  It is just going to take a lot longer than six hours to cut, cook and crank out.

Ways to support..because that sounds better than fundraising :)

I have been so busy preparing for a fundraiser this weekend I haven't even posted it on our blog!

If you are local and you haven't heard about the event on facebook, here are the details.  My friend's missional community decided to throw a garage sale for my adoption.  All proceeds will go toward bringing Simon home!


When:
          Thursday Sept 27th  8am-4pm
           Friday Sept 28th  8am-4pm
           Saturday Sept 29th 8am-12pm

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Now if you don't live locally, don't fret.  I have another friend who makes items you could buy as gifts and then have shipped!

Check out my friend Priscella's etsy:   http://www.etsy.com/shop/ByGraceProject
She makes wonderful things and sells them in order to give the money away!  I am blessed to have her as part of my church community and she has a heart for reece's rainbow and also our adoption.  Be assured your baby can look cute while being a social activist!

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Live Locally but busy this weekend?  What about the next?

Next weekend I will be selling baked goods and coffee at circle ME's Rediaper Sale.

Location:  3120 O street
                Lincoln Ne 68510
When: Saturday October 6th  10am-3pm

Other items:  We will also these items for sale:  Earrings handmade by my friend Jeanne, Some of my friend Priscella's baby items and also, if I get them done, wool dryer balls!

Just in case you don't know.  I work for Trinity Chiropractic which owes circle ME.  circle ME is a cloth diaper natural family store.  It is great.  Come check out the store and by something to eat....made for you by my friend Daniel.  He is an AMAZING baker...and happens to live in my wonderful community.

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I am working on my poster tonight.  Once I have it done I will be ready to do presentations anywhere you will have me.  Would you like your church or friend group to hear more about what is happening in Simon's orphanage, what God is doing to get kids out and what you can do to help?  Well then invite me out...I will only cost what you are willing to donate to my adoption...(and travel fees if you invite me from afar!! )

I hope to give you a real blog soon!  I do want to report that I was praying for a small amount that God would provide at the garage sale and he has already brought me almost half and the sale hasn't started!  Praise the Lord.  It sure is fun to be doing something that He supports so heavily.

Commitment to "Peyton"

Well friends this story is a long time coming...I apologize for that!  But since many of you saw my whirl wind last week of fundraising and paperwork I thought I should explain how everything went down.  I have another blog in the works explaining more in detail the emotional work that went into our decision to adopt this particular child but I thought I should go in more of an overview order to start.  So it goes.  (my writing doesn't seem to be as witty at 4am..but blogging is so much more productive than watching tv at this hour.)

When we first saw the pictures of Peyton on Reece's Rainbow, they honestly scared us.  His file came out with a batch of kids that to us, seemed to have medical issues that we wouldn't be able to help with.  We looked over his file and his pictures and thought, that is too much.  I remember at the time thinking perhaps we need to just look for a nice Down Syndrome child from another place.

Something happened however over time.  We ended up feeling emotionally connected to the pictures of Peyton.  Then we started feeling less and less scared about his medical issues and more and more desirous of holding and feeding this sad looking boy.  We talked endlessly about every angle, with each other, with our families and with our community.  Then we gave ourselves a deadline.  We asked our agency to hold his file for us.....then after the weekend we emailed to say YES.  And they said NO.  And we said WHAT THE ?  So that was hard.

It seems that while were considering and even while we were asking for a hold (which wasn't even possible because we didn't have the file at the time!) there was another family submitting commitment documents at the same time.  We were heartbroken to say the least.  My adoption agency reminded me that we should keep working on all our paperwork and things so that next time we were ready to commit we would have all of it done.  But I couldn't really bear to do anything adoption related.  I stopped reading blogs and I stopped working on gathering the rest of our home-study paperwork.  I also stopped trying to fund raise.  (oddly, money kept coming...thanks God!)  Then one day at work I clicked on a link to a blog I had been reading right up until my agency said, "he already has a family committing".  (www.nogreaterjoymom.com)  And there was Peyton's face and above it were the words, "I found that as of today he is adoptable".

I freaked out at this point.  I emailed and called my agency.  I called Jon.  I texted Grace.  I called Jon.  I called Jon again.  Why wasn't my husband answering his phone?  I texted Deb.  Someone, where is my husband?  Eventually Deb and Madi knocked on the window to our bedroom until my husband woke up from his nap! (ah community)  The poor guy really thought something horrible had happened.  By the time I got him on the phone he was so shocked that I wasn't saying someone was in the hospital that he didn't have a reply.  But he did say go for it.  That night I found out which agency had his file and I confirmed, yes he is adoptable.

The next morning I talked to Lifeline (my agency) and they told me everything I needed to get done.  I also needed to pay them the $1,200 agency fee and Jon and I needed to do an hour phone interview with them.  Then we needed to pay Bulgaria 1,365.00 (ish) to submit the commitment paperwork.  At this point I was kicking myself for not doing anything for 2 weeks.  That is when my pleas began on my facebook page for donations toward my adoption.  And people responded!!!!  Praise the LORD.

So we submitted the paperwork, it is in Bulgaria being translated.  I have had some wonderful help along the way.  Here is a picture I got from the mom who met  Petyon recently.  

I find it so hard to think about the fact we have a new child, that I don't really know, who lives thousands of miles away and who is being neglected.  It is almost too painful to let in.  Tuesday will be his birthday, he will be eight years old.  I wish I could hold him and tell him he won't be alone anymore...but my arms are too short.  I have been praying that God, with his infinitely long arms, would do that job for me.  God please help him eat, give someone there they patience to get calories into his frail body.  Let him weigh more than 18 pounds when we go to pick him up.