When life gives you apples….make applesauce.

 [FYI: I started writing this blog several weeks ago..I decided it was time to finish and post..and a disclaimer for our family-- this post is griefy]


A few weekends ago the apple fairy came by our place and blessed us with the biggest box of apples I have ever seen in my life.  (We often have fairies that come by and leave food on our porch for our community and neighbors.  Whoever you are, I thank you, you are a blessing!!!)  At first I didn’t know how we were ever going to use or eat that many apples.  I am not a person that likes to see food go to waste, but I am also not a person that really knows what to do to prevent it.  My sister-in-law happened to be by and she said, “Those look like good applesauce apples; my mother makes great applesauce every year." So I called up my mother-in-law and we invaded her house and spent six hours making applesauce.  As we dug into the box, we found some less than desirable apples.  And we found quite a few large worms digging their way through as we cut.  But in the end we made something sweet and new out of the apples, something that we can freeze and use later.

Grief can be a little like a large box of apples dropped on your porch.  You don’t really see it coming, but once it arrives you have to deal with it before it gets worse, before it eats you from the inside out like a worm in the apple box.  Dealing with grief is a process and I really wish it was as simple and uniform as making applesauce.  It is hard and painful to face but I can say with certainty that you aren’t going to end up with anything sweet at the end if you don’t face the pain and work through it.

A few weeks ago Jon’s dad spoke at our church.  His message was about when good news and bad news enter your life at the same time.   His example was from the story of  David and his son Absolom.  Absolom was taking over David’s kingdom and they were at war.  When David’s men defeated Absolom’s men, David found out that they had won the war but also that his son was dead.  David began to mourn, and after a time his men came to him to say that he needed to stop mourning and take the throne--that otherwise his kingdom would fall apart.   Sam (Jon’s dad) talked about how even though David was mourning, he still needed to do what God had called him to do.  

We lost Jon’s brother on Feburary 8, 2010.  As a family we spent weeks in a hospital praying for his recovery, but in the end he passed away.  Although two years have passed, at times it is hard to keep moving forward.  We have felt called to adopt a child out of Pleven, yet each child we look at has a long list of health conditions.  This triggered grief for us.  What might we have to face when we brought a child home?  Would we spend weeks in the hospital again?  Would it end like the last time?  Should we put our son, our parents, and our siblings through this experience with us?  It was a lot to work through and a lot to talk through.  Many tears were shed.  Sam's message at church seemed to say to us that we can’t let our fear about the past keep us from doing what God has called us to do.  So we decided to move forward and adopt the child who had forced us to face some of our grief demons.   But then loss struck again.  The child we had hoped for, prayed for and imagined in our home already had a family.  How could this be?  We already felt so close to him.  We had already spent days and weeks talking about him, pouring over his file and letting him into our hearts. I found myself taking a few weeks off of reading adoption blogs, looking at children, or, sadly, even working on paperwork.  I needed time to heal. 

I think advocating for these kids, the special needs orphans, especially ones in Pleven, can be a journey through grief.  It has been for me.  Jon and I were talking about it and he said that normally you grieve something that you have lost.  And I said that I grieve for what all the children have lost.  Their chance at a life outside of a crib.  Their chance at growing and being fed and experiencing love. Their lives that have been stolen from them.   I remember after our David died feeling like the world was spinning madly and I couldn’t understand why because it felt like time had stopped for us.  I was amazed that people could be carrying on about their business.  Everything seemed trivial in light of life and death.  I feel that way about the kids in Pleven.  I visited a church a few weeks ago and felt annoyed that we were all sitting their talking about our sins when there were kids starving to death.  That is when I realized I might be working through some grief.

Like I said before, grief is something you have to work through and like the box of apples, there are lots of layers.  We are not done working through our grief about David, about hospitals and about our prayers going unanswered.  The layers are deep and the triggers are numerous.  As you know, we got a second chance to adopt the child we had been praying about, and we have named him Simon.  (Simon, means "to hear" or "to be heard".  God has heard his cries and we will bring him home.)  A new grief is now coming on.  The grief of loving a child who has been hurt, mistreated, abandoned and forgotten.  And the grief of adding another member to our family that will never know his uncle David.  I have been stuffing this grief down into my heart, and like the box of apples, the worming tears of grief are making their way out to the surface. 


My one hope is that this time when I grieve, I am not blaming God.  I know that He is so clearly in this process.  I have been watching Him work to free these children and I feel blessed to be apart of what He is doing.  As the funds come pouring in for our adoption I feel His comfort and healing and I feel His love through every person who helps us along the way.  Does it lesson the pain?  No, not really, but it gives the pain a purpose and it gives me hope that God is taking these worm filled apples and making them into something sweet.  It is just going to take a lot longer than six hours to cut, cook and crank out.

Ways to support..because that sounds better than fundraising :)

I have been so busy preparing for a fundraiser this weekend I haven't even posted it on our blog!

If you are local and you haven't heard about the event on facebook, here are the details.  My friend's missional community decided to throw a garage sale for my adoption.  All proceeds will go toward bringing Simon home!


When:
          Thursday Sept 27th  8am-4pm
           Friday Sept 28th  8am-4pm
           Saturday Sept 29th 8am-12pm

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Now if you don't live locally, don't fret.  I have another friend who makes items you could buy as gifts and then have shipped!

Check out my friend Priscella's etsy:   http://www.etsy.com/shop/ByGraceProject
She makes wonderful things and sells them in order to give the money away!  I am blessed to have her as part of my church community and she has a heart for reece's rainbow and also our adoption.  Be assured your baby can look cute while being a social activist!

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Live Locally but busy this weekend?  What about the next?

Next weekend I will be selling baked goods and coffee at circle ME's Rediaper Sale.

Location:  3120 O street
                Lincoln Ne 68510
When: Saturday October 6th  10am-3pm

Other items:  We will also these items for sale:  Earrings handmade by my friend Jeanne, Some of my friend Priscella's baby items and also, if I get them done, wool dryer balls!

Just in case you don't know.  I work for Trinity Chiropractic which owes circle ME.  circle ME is a cloth diaper natural family store.  It is great.  Come check out the store and by something to eat....made for you by my friend Daniel.  He is an AMAZING baker...and happens to live in my wonderful community.

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I am working on my poster tonight.  Once I have it done I will be ready to do presentations anywhere you will have me.  Would you like your church or friend group to hear more about what is happening in Simon's orphanage, what God is doing to get kids out and what you can do to help?  Well then invite me out...I will only cost what you are willing to donate to my adoption...(and travel fees if you invite me from afar!! )

I hope to give you a real blog soon!  I do want to report that I was praying for a small amount that God would provide at the garage sale and he has already brought me almost half and the sale hasn't started!  Praise the Lord.  It sure is fun to be doing something that He supports so heavily.

Commitment to "Peyton"

Well friends this story is a long time coming...I apologize for that!  But since many of you saw my whirl wind last week of fundraising and paperwork I thought I should explain how everything went down.  I have another blog in the works explaining more in detail the emotional work that went into our decision to adopt this particular child but I thought I should go in more of an overview order to start.  So it goes.  (my writing doesn't seem to be as witty at 4am..but blogging is so much more productive than watching tv at this hour.)

When we first saw the pictures of Peyton on Reece's Rainbow, they honestly scared us.  His file came out with a batch of kids that to us, seemed to have medical issues that we wouldn't be able to help with.  We looked over his file and his pictures and thought, that is too much.  I remember at the time thinking perhaps we need to just look for a nice Down Syndrome child from another place.

Something happened however over time.  We ended up feeling emotionally connected to the pictures of Peyton.  Then we started feeling less and less scared about his medical issues and more and more desirous of holding and feeding this sad looking boy.  We talked endlessly about every angle, with each other, with our families and with our community.  Then we gave ourselves a deadline.  We asked our agency to hold his file for us.....then after the weekend we emailed to say YES.  And they said NO.  And we said WHAT THE ?  So that was hard.

It seems that while were considering and even while we were asking for a hold (which wasn't even possible because we didn't have the file at the time!) there was another family submitting commitment documents at the same time.  We were heartbroken to say the least.  My adoption agency reminded me that we should keep working on all our paperwork and things so that next time we were ready to commit we would have all of it done.  But I couldn't really bear to do anything adoption related.  I stopped reading blogs and I stopped working on gathering the rest of our home-study paperwork.  I also stopped trying to fund raise.  (oddly, money kept coming...thanks God!)  Then one day at work I clicked on a link to a blog I had been reading right up until my agency said, "he already has a family committing".  (www.nogreaterjoymom.com)  And there was Peyton's face and above it were the words, "I found that as of today he is adoptable".

I freaked out at this point.  I emailed and called my agency.  I called Jon.  I texted Grace.  I called Jon.  I called Jon again.  Why wasn't my husband answering his phone?  I texted Deb.  Someone, where is my husband?  Eventually Deb and Madi knocked on the window to our bedroom until my husband woke up from his nap! (ah community)  The poor guy really thought something horrible had happened.  By the time I got him on the phone he was so shocked that I wasn't saying someone was in the hospital that he didn't have a reply.  But he did say go for it.  That night I found out which agency had his file and I confirmed, yes he is adoptable.

The next morning I talked to Lifeline (my agency) and they told me everything I needed to get done.  I also needed to pay them the $1,200 agency fee and Jon and I needed to do an hour phone interview with them.  Then we needed to pay Bulgaria 1,365.00 (ish) to submit the commitment paperwork.  At this point I was kicking myself for not doing anything for 2 weeks.  That is when my pleas began on my facebook page for donations toward my adoption.  And people responded!!!!  Praise the LORD.

So we submitted the paperwork, it is in Bulgaria being translated.  I have had some wonderful help along the way.  Here is a picture I got from the mom who met  Petyon recently.  

I find it so hard to think about the fact we have a new child, that I don't really know, who lives thousands of miles away and who is being neglected.  It is almost too painful to let in.  Tuesday will be his birthday, he will be eight years old.  I wish I could hold him and tell him he won't be alone anymore...but my arms are too short.  I have been praying that God, with his infinitely long arms, would do that job for me.  God please help him eat, give someone there they patience to get calories into his frail body.  Let him weigh more than 18 pounds when we go to pick him up.

and why should you donate to my adoption?

I am not a person that can ask for financial help easily, let's just get that information out there. I guess in some ways I am hoping people will want to help us because we aren't adding a child to our home for our own glory. Nor are we desiring to complete our perfect family unit.(not that adopting for that reason is wrong at ALL) I am not struggling with infertility as far as I know :)

We decided to adopt to save a child from life in an institution, one I first learned about through my friend Grace and through this blog.  http://theblessingofverity.com/ While my husband and I are trying to be as open as possible about finding the child we will adopt we have been moving toward adopting from this orphanage, the one the Bulgarian media call "Auschwitz" just a few months ago. We know there have been some improvements however the children in this orphanage still have a long way to go. I was overwhelmed just yesterday by the new pictures and descriptions of children just posted on Reece's Rainbow that are up for adoption from this institution. (you can see them by going to http://reecesrainbow.org/ in the search box type in #11 and you will be shown children from there)

I don't know what I can and can't share and perhaps this will all be removed later. I found these pictures on another person's blog that show the inside of this orphanage. I thought you might like to see them. Go here http://jamesonetwentyseven.weebly.com/adopting-from-bulgaria.html

I also found this story on a different blog, while it is not about the place I visited, I really identified with how this mom felt about leaving these kids behind. http://www.nogreaterjoymom.com/2010/06/i-left-my-heart-there.html

Adopting from Bulgaria costs about 22,000.00 give or take a couple thousand, which when you are talking about this big of a number what is a couple thousand either way? I would LOVE to raise it all, however we are also willing to take out some loans as well. However we have already invested about 1, 700.00 of our savings and we need about 1,500.00 more to complete our home study so we can apply for the loan. (amazingly we are close to having this amount raised!!) Our next big amount is 1,200.00 to the adoption agency and then 1,000.00 to put the commitment paper work through in Bulgaria. Then another agency fee of 1,200.00 will be due.

So I am just hoping that if you feel so led you might want to be a part of helping us free an orphan from this institution by donating to our cause. There is a box in the top right hand corner of this page where you can donate through paypal. You could also mail us a check at 2740 R street Apt 2 Lincoln Ne 68503.

I did some math that I found interesting...Now we all now that not every friend of ours on facebook is really a "close friend". Especially if you have my personality or view facebook simply as a networking place :). I have 698 "friends" on facebook. If each of them donated 32.00 my adoption would be fully funded. Isn't that crazy???

While we haven't committed to a child yet there is one we are pretty interested in. To give you an idea of who you MIGHT be helping us adopt and the need. We are looking at a 8 year old who is 18 pounds. Yes EIGHT years old at EIGHTEEN pounds.
The need is real and we need your help to make a child's rescue a reality. thanks so much!

the gospel message

We all live in our own insular communities.  We tend to surround ourselves with like minded individuals, hopefully a well chosen group that we have selected because we respect their values.  When we find more and more people who are like us, I think it becomes easy to believe that everyone shares your point of view....however this is just not true.

Tonight we heard a message about the gospel being the good news of Jesus not the bad news of sinning.  The point was that we are supposed to be sharing Jesus with other people and then allowing the truth of who he is and the power of God's spirit to change their life.  However some where along the way the message has turned into, you are a sinner, you deserve hell but Jesus can save you from it.  Yet this isn't really the way the gospel was preached in the bible.

Now the word gospel itself means good news.  I wish there was a word for bad news.  I feel like in the past few months I have been spreading the bad news of the plight of orphans.  I've brought all types of people to tears with the truth of the orphanage I have visited.  I have converted friends into Reece's rainbow junkies; they have have taken on the sorrowful habit of scrolling through Reece's rainbow to look at the kids.  (if you would like to start go here, http://reecesrainbow.org/ and click on waiting children, you might like to start with newly listed, you get a wide variety that way)  I wasn't so easily converted, it really took me agreeing to go there with Grace when my heart began to change.  Up until then I really didn't want to hear about Pleven, I thought Grace must be exaggerating, even while I was there, there were times I doubted.  But I have since seen the light, I have been converted to know the truth, the truth that there are children who have been neglected, left alone in their cribs, rejected by their mothers, silenced because the deaf world wouldn't hear them and killed because they couldn't swallow their sludge fast enough. 

Newly converted Christians often go about sharing the good news of their faith to everyone they meet.  They don't care if people think they are crazy because the love of God is so good and so important that they must share it with the world.  Nothing else really matters, everything ties back to it and therefore Christ is all they talk about.  Loving orphans can be like that.

When we were first going on our trip and people would hear my words and then ask what can we do?  I had something to give them at that point.  you can give us money for food and diapers.  I had a tangible real think that could be done to help the children.  But then we were there and while diapers and food is what they physically need, they need so much more.  I left Pleven heartbroken.  I listened to patty Griffin"s song forgiveness.  I imagined the kids saying these words,

"And the planes keep flying right over our heads
No matter how loud we shout
"Hey, hey, hey !"
And we keep waving and waving
Our arms in the air
But we're all tired out"

It was so hard leaving them behind.  I felt really helpless, what could I do for them??  So there was a relief that came after Jon and I talked a lot and decided we were being called to adopt.  There was now something tangible we could do.  There was something we could give our life to that would make a difference, at least for 1 child. Or perhaps more???  I have heard that there are others like me that are adopting because of Grace's life and story.

So now we are on the adoption journey as converted orphan lovers living in a community of orphan junkies.  We can all cry together and support each other and thinking and praying about the children.  However, when we step outside our community sometimes it becomes harder.  At times I feel like I am wading through sludge.  When asked how I am doing, do I lie?  Because I am tired of talking to those who have not yet seen the light?  Because often those people feed into the fears of adoption.  They have good intentions but like the many Christians that have begun preaching only of heaven and hell and not jesus and resurrection, our adoption turns inwardly focused.  The bad news of the orphan is seemingly forgotten in all of the questions, is this good for your family?  Is this good for your son?  Can you handle this disability?

But my question is what about the child?

Penny is 11 years old and weighs just 21 pounds. She’s been confined to a bed her entire life in an orphanage where she received little interaction or care. She is still fed from a bottle and cared for very much like a baby. She has never had the opportunity to reach her full potential.

 Payton is currently almost 8 years old and weighs just 17 pounds. 
I can't show you a more current picture.  But please know that his arms and legs look like sticks. And he looks so, so very sad.   And why wouldn't he?

They are shouting, they are reaching out for families...but they are all tired out.  What is more important my family's comfort or this child's life?  The truth of the orphans is some bad news...let's stay focused on it and get one of them home!

the bleeding heart

I was talking to a family a few days ago about the children in Pleven.  I was telling them about how children in institutions, and especially this one, had learned over time that no one was coming.  When I was visiting we took some of the kids out to get their visa photos taken.  One of the children fell and hit their head, hard, on the ground.  We heard the sound of it, but the child did not cry.  The child did not react to the pain because they had learned that no one was coming to see if they were okay.

Later that day I was thinking about it in reference to myself.  I thought about how when I was a child I don't think I had many people asking me to share my emotions.  Therefore I have learned to keep them in much to the annoyance of my husband!  So when I get hurt or things get hard I tend to remain silent, fighting the pain  in my own head or "suffering in silence".  If there is one thing that tests a marriage like no other it is international special needs adoption!!  Lately my husband and I seem to always be having serious, life altering conversations about the future of our family. And through it all we arrive at the same conflicts....not the conflict relevant to the conversation at hand, no, the conflict becomes the conversation itself.  Our communication!  My husband comes from a family of verbal processors and conversation initiators.  I however, do not.  So we have worked through lots of differences in our communication styles over the past 4 years but adoption has tested our decision making to the MAX.

I organized all of our paperwork today, we have piles of "to dos".  It was overwhelming but also nice to see just where we are in our process.  I think this stage of international adoption is a little like premarital counseling or perhaps engagement and wedding planning.  (Jon says the worst part of our relationship was the engagement period)  We have so many things to get signed and places to go for fingerprints, and background checks.  I even have to make sure my cats are up to date.  It is stressful, it is a time of change and testing in our relationship with each other, our families and our friends.  However I know that this period of struggle is just to prepare us for the struggles to come.  Tonight this thought was confirmed as I read in Parenting the hurt child these words:

         "Like most people, adoptive parents may have unresolved psychological issues.  Because hurt children  seem to have a "button-locating radar," their parents' issues are generally targeted for exposure, aggravation and agitation.....Everyday spent with a disturbed child heightens parent' awareness of their own issues....."   

So the testing has only begun.  I had someone say tell me the other day how hard this was going to be.  That having a special needs child will test our marriage, our family and our faith.  I don't discount that.  I fully understand that.  They will test me daily, this book said "mercilessly" but in the end I will grow.  My family will grow, my community will grow.  And I don't pretend to be doing this alone.  I know that sometimes my desire to rescue children out of horrid situations and institutions can seem like I am blindly bringing a child into my life that I will strive to rescue with my love, only to discover that love doesn't cure all of their brokenness.  NO, it won't cure them.  My love will not erase years of starvation and neglect.  In fact my love for this child will break me as I am rejected and pushed away by a child who doesn't know what love is.  A child who responds to each situation based on THEIR up bringing. 

I guess that isn't so different from me.  Because I see the world through Anna glasses and I interact with my husband based on my family system and my upbringing that taught me not to share my emotions.  Only I was never left alone in a crib all day long.  My mother came to me when I cried.  She changed my diaper more than once a day and she gave me food.  I had a mother.  She didn't push me away at birth into the arms of an institution that didn't have enough hands to teach me how to stand.

I know this will be hard.  And I know that if you are part of my support system you will be tested as well.  But you know what, I think that is okay.  In fact I think that is good.  Because perhaps it means that we will all learn to give up some of our conveniences daily and think about the atrocities that go on everyday across the globe.  Perhaps we will come to think about others before ourselves and perhaps we will learn that when we let ourselves bleed....our wounds will come clean.

 Please pray we are able to commit to a child soon.  Please pray that the Lord will provide financially for our adoption.  Pray for Grace's safe travel as she goes to pick up her daughter.

pray for this orphan to find a family:

Ian was born in 2005.  he has Marfan Syndrome.  He loves to draw and has recently become interested in memorizing poems and songs. He likes to watch cartoons. He knows all his colors and can count to 10. He knows the seasons and the days of the week.  

 

moving in the right direction

I am feeling pretty good about where we are right.  Through a series of events I am seeing God line some things up for us.  There have been bumps in the road that I am now seeing as God's protection and guidance.  Has this given me enough trust to know he will guide us to the right child??? :)  Well, I guess I am still working on that.  As a couple we are getting closer to commitment.  However I am waiting for one more batch of files to arrive, there is a part of me, perhaps an overly romantic part that thinks there will be a child in there that solves every debate.  But my heart still aches for the kids we would be passing up that we have already spent hours praying for, discussing and picturing in our home.  We have missed several children through this process and it is a very emotional process.

Grace asked me what my biggest fear was in the adoption.  I am not sure what she thought i might say but I am pretty sure my response scared her.  :)  Maybe I over think stuff but I like to think I am just well researched.  And besides if I look at the worst case scenario I will be pleasantly surprised right?  Here it is, my worst fear in adoption, that it will alienate me from my family, that it will bring us into financial ruin and then in turn destroy my marriage and along the way hurt my son irreparably.  Then just to top it off, everyone on the outside of the situation would say, "see this is why we said it was a bad idea".  And the ones on the inside would tell me God was trying to teach me something.

BUT, that is just my fear.  I think in some ways it is good for me to work through it.  At least I know what it is...and in that way I can walk through it and get past it.  I am sure as I see God moving through the adoption I will stop with this silly doubting :)  I have jumped into a lot crazier things in the past and watched God use them...so why not here.  Why is saving an orphan from a horrible institution going to be in different?  Is it the money?

Speaking of money....part of me is kind of excited to plan an adoption fund raiser.  I love planning parties and events.  Perhaps I will finally have my dream show come true.  The one where I invite all my musician friend to come play 4-5 of their songs in whatever side projects they have been working on....while secretly I will have practiced on one of their songs with them and then throughout the show I can come up and play on a song or two.  This was going to be my 30 birthday party but it didn't really work out.  I may not have ever wanted to be a famous musician but I have ALWAYS wanted to be included in my friends side projects.  To be that person they ask to come up on the stage with them.  I just think it would be neat.

But enough about myself.  Here are some orphans you can pray for....pray they find a family and that while they wait they would be getting some love attention from their caregivers.


Millie is 8 years old and has Down Syndrome.


This is Mary Grace she is 5.  She has Cerebral Palsy.


Payton is 8 and has Cerebral Palsy but his main problem right now is malnutrition.  You can't see it in this picture, I have another one but I don't know if I can share it or not, and you can see his tiny tiny arms and legs.  He is in the same orphanage that I visited with Grace.

My heart breaks for the children on Reece's Rainbow, http://reecesrainbow.org/ and the fact they just represent a very SMALL percentage of the orphans that are out there.  You should pick one to think and pray about...it can't hurt.  They have been overlooked for so long why not be their protector from a far?  Shoot, if you pray hard enough that I am their mom, who knows?? :)