I have been practicing the art of visualization, it is not something that I have been trying to do, with that said, I suppose I should just call it daydreaming. I can see myself traveling from the capital city to Simon's city, along the way looking at the beautiful fields of sunflowers. While I look out the window, I think, wow I can't believe I am FINALLY here!
Then, because I have seen so many pick up trip photos, I see still frames. I see the pictures that I will one day post on this blog. Where you can see the back of Simon's head as I hug him and you see my face, I am crying, you can see the years worth of tears, finally rolling down my face. You see a mother embracing her child that is FINALLY hers...and the caption saying, GOTCHA. Because after over a year of waiting and paperwork and heartache, he is my son, I am bringing him home....forever.
So whatever you want to call it, daydreaming or visualization, on this raining day, while I try to focus, that is where my mind is, on my trip to Bulgaria, to bring my son home. Dear God, PLEASE, let me bring him home SOON.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Another woman's words
The waiting is getting unbearable. I seem to be struggling to even be myself anymore. I feel as though my personality has changed. I am way more blunt than I have ever been before. My work is suffering as I can't seem to be detailed anymore. My head feels blank but yet can't accomplish tasks that used to be so easy for me just months ago.
Today I read this blog post http://redemptionwhispers.blogspot.com/2013/06/letters-to-home.html
It is a long post, you should probably read the whole thing...but here is the dark excerpt that I found moving. I am sorry if the truth is hard for you to take....it is hard for me to take that is why we are adopting. It is not because we are saints, my husband and I aren't some super noble people. We are people that believe in Jesus, who believe in HIS love, HIS strength and HIS acceptance. When we found out about these situations, we HAD to act.
From the post:
"Finally, I have debated and prayed over and over again whether to share a few of the emails I sent just to Handsome, but I think that they are very important to the whole picture....they are very raw and emotional:
So many things rattling in the brain. I wish we could just sit and talk things thru together. Wish you were here to see things first hand and give your perspective. I am sure that some things seem overly dramatic or exaggerated, but in reality, they are much worse. I just can't find the words to paint an accurate picture.
I feel like I am losing part of my humanity - the shock and horror just become part of the day. We sit and eat while a "little" boy(in reality probably 16 or so) screams this terrible scream like demons are crawling in his soul. He bats his hands and screams at things no one else can see. NONE of theses kids original needs were so bad that they should now be as they are - it is the result of the horrors of institutional life. Another is curled up in a wheelchair with his body contorted permanently into an odd position. He cannot really eat, so they just force his mouth open and pour it down as he gags. There is no other way to feed him at this point. It could have been so different.
Before I had the courage to interact with {the blind girl}, I asked Mr. A if he thought being in a family now, after so many years would help her. (I am horrified now that we had this "polite" intellectual conversation about a soul! A child as important as each of our own!). He shrugs his shoulders and says no. That maybe if someone had gotten her when she was little...later, as I touched her and hugged her, I realized that I had lost the heart of the matter. It didn't matter if a family changed her, it only mattered that she should be loved and cherished, regardless of her needs or progress.
I am sure to survive emotionally in the special needs orphan arena, there has to be some manner of detachment - but I don't want that! I don't ever want the horror to lessen - but it already has. I think it takes that horror being fresh to keep from categorizing people into the "should be saved" and the "not worth the effort" - which is really saying they are trash to be thrown away. That is how they end up forgotten at the end of a dusty road like this.
I feel completely torn in half. On one side I think, "we can only do so much" and we have to take care of the kids we have. That we can't save them all and are already carrying a heavy load. That I need to focus on the ones we have. But then I see these children, knowing that they are only a drop of an eye dropper in an ocean full of need. That each of their lives is just as precious as mine. That I can save one more child from a life of literal hell....and I remember that God will provide for everything we need. That He loved each of us to send His very own Son to die a horrific death on our behalf. Do I choose to sacrifice my life for them or keep it safe and help a little. We have jumped off so many cliffs by faith...but how high of a cliff am I willing to jump off of? Do I trust Him to protect all my children at home as we leap or is it my job too to keep them safe? To not push them too far. I know what my American Christian culture would say. I hear their voices whispering to my heart with tantalizing arguments as to why I should walk away....oh, how easy it would be to just walk away. To not feel the horror or despair or urgency...to just walk away, brushing it off my soul like mud that has caked on.
But I know that not a single one of those voices has sat here in the heat watching children scream in torment or lie in their vomit because no one wants to clean it up, or only be blind but be a complete invalid because no one took the time to teach her. I cannot be any angrier at the workers here than I can be at each of the comfortable Christians in the US. They are all casting the same judgement on each of this lives...that they are not worthy of the time, money, sacrifice, or cup of cold water to ease their sufferings. That 401ks and vacations and spoiled kids and the worry (or more politely the "planning" for the future) are sooo much more important than a little blind girl that continually asks for her "Baba" - grandmother to come get her.
Have to go....pray that we hear God's voice loud and clear over all the worthless "noise".\
That evening:
After all my fine words to you in the last email, tonight I am swinging the other way. I am too tired and hot. Tonight, I just want to bring my daughters home, close our gate and forget there is a world beyond our little family. I don't want to smell any more smells, see any more vomit, hear any more hellish shrieks, see any more vacant eyes full of sorrow beyond imagining. Tonight, I just want to be selfish and give up what seems to be an impossible task - to shine God 's light in the darkest places."
END OF EXERPT
I think I have been feeling this way lately. I have lost the drive to explain the conditions of my son's orphanage, of the truth of the plight of special needs orphans in eastern european institutions...I just want my son home. My messages have been all about our process, about when we might get our son home. Perhaps it is because I don't feel like I can take anymore....I can't think about the hundreds I leave behind at his orphanage, the thousands in his country or the millions in the world. I am saving one star fish....and it is NOT ENOUGH.
Pray for us. This is hard. But I want you to know...that if you are moved by the plight of these abandoned, neglected and abused orphans....you could do it too. Give up the dream house and the boat and rescue a child from starvation and abuse. Good night.
Today I read this blog post http://redemptionwhispers.blogspot.com/2013/06/letters-to-home.html
It is a long post, you should probably read the whole thing...but here is the dark excerpt that I found moving. I am sorry if the truth is hard for you to take....it is hard for me to take that is why we are adopting. It is not because we are saints, my husband and I aren't some super noble people. We are people that believe in Jesus, who believe in HIS love, HIS strength and HIS acceptance. When we found out about these situations, we HAD to act.
From the post:
"Finally, I have debated and prayed over and over again whether to share a few of the emails I sent just to Handsome, but I think that they are very important to the whole picture....they are very raw and emotional:
So many things rattling in the brain. I wish we could just sit and talk things thru together. Wish you were here to see things first hand and give your perspective. I am sure that some things seem overly dramatic or exaggerated, but in reality, they are much worse. I just can't find the words to paint an accurate picture.
I feel like I am losing part of my humanity - the shock and horror just become part of the day. We sit and eat while a "little" boy(in reality probably 16 or so) screams this terrible scream like demons are crawling in his soul. He bats his hands and screams at things no one else can see. NONE of theses kids original needs were so bad that they should now be as they are - it is the result of the horrors of institutional life. Another is curled up in a wheelchair with his body contorted permanently into an odd position. He cannot really eat, so they just force his mouth open and pour it down as he gags. There is no other way to feed him at this point. It could have been so different.
Before I had the courage to interact with {the blind girl}, I asked Mr. A if he thought being in a family now, after so many years would help her. (I am horrified now that we had this "polite" intellectual conversation about a soul! A child as important as each of our own!). He shrugs his shoulders and says no. That maybe if someone had gotten her when she was little...later, as I touched her and hugged her, I realized that I had lost the heart of the matter. It didn't matter if a family changed her, it only mattered that she should be loved and cherished, regardless of her needs or progress.
I am sure to survive emotionally in the special needs orphan arena, there has to be some manner of detachment - but I don't want that! I don't ever want the horror to lessen - but it already has. I think it takes that horror being fresh to keep from categorizing people into the "should be saved" and the "not worth the effort" - which is really saying they are trash to be thrown away. That is how they end up forgotten at the end of a dusty road like this.
I feel completely torn in half. On one side I think, "we can only do so much" and we have to take care of the kids we have. That we can't save them all and are already carrying a heavy load. That I need to focus on the ones we have. But then I see these children, knowing that they are only a drop of an eye dropper in an ocean full of need. That each of their lives is just as precious as mine. That I can save one more child from a life of literal hell....and I remember that God will provide for everything we need. That He loved each of us to send His very own Son to die a horrific death on our behalf. Do I choose to sacrifice my life for them or keep it safe and help a little. We have jumped off so many cliffs by faith...but how high of a cliff am I willing to jump off of? Do I trust Him to protect all my children at home as we leap or is it my job too to keep them safe? To not push them too far. I know what my American Christian culture would say. I hear their voices whispering to my heart with tantalizing arguments as to why I should walk away....oh, how easy it would be to just walk away. To not feel the horror or despair or urgency...to just walk away, brushing it off my soul like mud that has caked on.
But I know that not a single one of those voices has sat here in the heat watching children scream in torment or lie in their vomit because no one wants to clean it up, or only be blind but be a complete invalid because no one took the time to teach her. I cannot be any angrier at the workers here than I can be at each of the comfortable Christians in the US. They are all casting the same judgement on each of this lives...that they are not worthy of the time, money, sacrifice, or cup of cold water to ease their sufferings. That 401ks and vacations and spoiled kids and the worry (or more politely the "planning" for the future) are sooo much more important than a little blind girl that continually asks for her "Baba" - grandmother to come get her.
Have to go....pray that we hear God's voice loud and clear over all the worthless "noise".\
That evening:
After all my fine words to you in the last email, tonight I am swinging the other way. I am too tired and hot. Tonight, I just want to bring my daughters home, close our gate and forget there is a world beyond our little family. I don't want to smell any more smells, see any more vomit, hear any more hellish shrieks, see any more vacant eyes full of sorrow beyond imagining. Tonight, I just want to be selfish and give up what seems to be an impossible task - to shine God 's light in the darkest places."
END OF EXERPT
I think I have been feeling this way lately. I have lost the drive to explain the conditions of my son's orphanage, of the truth of the plight of special needs orphans in eastern european institutions...I just want my son home. My messages have been all about our process, about when we might get our son home. Perhaps it is because I don't feel like I can take anymore....I can't think about the hundreds I leave behind at his orphanage, the thousands in his country or the millions in the world. I am saving one star fish....and it is NOT ENOUGH.
Pray for us. This is hard. But I want you to know...that if you are moved by the plight of these abandoned, neglected and abused orphans....you could do it too. Give up the dream house and the boat and rescue a child from starvation and abuse. Good night.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Frequently Asked Questions
As I wait and wait and wait for word, I have found that at this point in the process it is kind of hard to have a large support system. I don't want to sound ungrateful. I LOVE that so many people have been apart of our journey and that so many people are longing for Simon to come home....but the wait seems harder when several times a day, I have to say out loud...."NOPE, no news....still waiting." :(
But then I thought, well that is silly, of course people are going to ask you questions....you haven't updated your blog in OVER a MONTH! So I thought perhaps I would do one of those frequently asked questions blogs.
So when are you bringing your boy home?
Well the short answer is I don't know. The long answer is, I am waiting for Bulgaria to give me travel dates. This is how I understand what is happening right now. My paperwork is waiting for a signature. Once it is signed it will be sent to get assigned a court date. Then court will happen, which we don't have to be there for and our lawyer will take care of for us!! After court declares Simon legally ours, they will give us travel dates. I am a little unclear how long it will be after the legal decree and our traveling, my guess is 2-3 weeks.
How is Simon doing?
Up until two days ago I had no answer to this. We don't get updates while we wait. HOWEVER the Lord blessed me with a very nice woman seeing SImon not once but twice while she was in country visiting her friend's kiddos. So according to her, he is doing well, and his baba is very protective of him. So at least I know that he won't be leaving with an American other than me :).
Will Simon speak English?
....No, he won't. He also doesn't speak Bulgaria. He was severely neglected for so long that he never learned to speak. But while we were there, he did make some vowel sounds that I was very excited about, I am planning on trying to teach him some simple signs to start with and see if he picks them up.
Will Ishmael and Simon share a room?
Yes and I think Ishmael is finally coming around to the idea. Jonathan's mom has given us a dutch trundle bed, it fits under Ishmael's twin bed for storage and when we slide it out it has sides that come up. So it will be very close to the ground with railings all around. We are hoping that will work for Simon. If not we will just have to do some kind of quick change up! This way we don't have to put him in a crib and we also don't have to fit a crib and a bed in a very small room.
Do you have everything you need?
I think so, I hope so. I am still working on getting things organized in Ishmael and Simon's room. We have enough clothes to start, as long as heaven forbid, we aren't picking Simon up in the fall. :) I think we are pretty much fully funded. I do have a few items that I still haven't sold, that will cover any surprises and should cover post adoption charges. I just got a large, very late bill from my doctor's office for our medical exams we had to do for the adoption. I am also taking that in stride...I just need to sell a guitar :) The Lord provides.
Who will be traveling on the pick up trip?
Jonathan and I will be both be traveling and we hope to be bringing Jonathan's sister Rachel along. We are hoping that her work will let her off to go with us, whenever that might be :) She is a pediatric nurse and an experienced traveler. So it will be nice to have her along. She will also be that extra person so that no one has to go out alone. I have sort of been expecting us to be hanging out in the hotel room with Simon pretty much the whole time we are in country. But it is possible that he will be fine with going out and about and we will all just go out together. If not, when Jonathan has to go out for more baby food, Rachel can go with him. :)
Are you fully funded?
Sure. I have always been hesitant to say yes to that question just in case something crazy comes up. But as of now, I have some sort of credit going with my adoption agency, you better believe I called them several times and demanded proof but it seems to stand. :)
Well if you can think of more that I haven't answered, please let me know! :)
But then I thought, well that is silly, of course people are going to ask you questions....you haven't updated your blog in OVER a MONTH! So I thought perhaps I would do one of those frequently asked questions blogs.
So when are you bringing your boy home?
Well the short answer is I don't know. The long answer is, I am waiting for Bulgaria to give me travel dates. This is how I understand what is happening right now. My paperwork is waiting for a signature. Once it is signed it will be sent to get assigned a court date. Then court will happen, which we don't have to be there for and our lawyer will take care of for us!! After court declares Simon legally ours, they will give us travel dates. I am a little unclear how long it will be after the legal decree and our traveling, my guess is 2-3 weeks.
How is Simon doing?
Up until two days ago I had no answer to this. We don't get updates while we wait. HOWEVER the Lord blessed me with a very nice woman seeing SImon not once but twice while she was in country visiting her friend's kiddos. So according to her, he is doing well, and his baba is very protective of him. So at least I know that he won't be leaving with an American other than me :).
Will Simon speak English?
....No, he won't. He also doesn't speak Bulgaria. He was severely neglected for so long that he never learned to speak. But while we were there, he did make some vowel sounds that I was very excited about, I am planning on trying to teach him some simple signs to start with and see if he picks them up.
Will Ishmael and Simon share a room?
Yes and I think Ishmael is finally coming around to the idea. Jonathan's mom has given us a dutch trundle bed, it fits under Ishmael's twin bed for storage and when we slide it out it has sides that come up. So it will be very close to the ground with railings all around. We are hoping that will work for Simon. If not we will just have to do some kind of quick change up! This way we don't have to put him in a crib and we also don't have to fit a crib and a bed in a very small room.
Do you have everything you need?
I think so, I hope so. I am still working on getting things organized in Ishmael and Simon's room. We have enough clothes to start, as long as heaven forbid, we aren't picking Simon up in the fall. :) I think we are pretty much fully funded. I do have a few items that I still haven't sold, that will cover any surprises and should cover post adoption charges. I just got a large, very late bill from my doctor's office for our medical exams we had to do for the adoption. I am also taking that in stride...I just need to sell a guitar :) The Lord provides.
Who will be traveling on the pick up trip?
Jonathan and I will be both be traveling and we hope to be bringing Jonathan's sister Rachel along. We are hoping that her work will let her off to go with us, whenever that might be :) She is a pediatric nurse and an experienced traveler. So it will be nice to have her along. She will also be that extra person so that no one has to go out alone. I have sort of been expecting us to be hanging out in the hotel room with Simon pretty much the whole time we are in country. But it is possible that he will be fine with going out and about and we will all just go out together. If not, when Jonathan has to go out for more baby food, Rachel can go with him. :)
Are you fully funded?
Sure. I have always been hesitant to say yes to that question just in case something crazy comes up. But as of now, I have some sort of credit going with my adoption agency, you better believe I called them several times and demanded proof but it seems to stand. :)
Well if you can think of more that I haven't answered, please let me know! :)
Russia
I didn't write much during the month of May but I did read quite a bit. One book that I read was called, The Boy from Baby House 10. It is a true story of a boy's journey from a baby house in Russia, through the Russian Mental Institutions and eventually into the loving arms of a mother in Pennsylvania. (Now, I have never been to Pennsylvania but it seems to be full of very amazing people in the adoption world, has anyone else noticed this? :)) If you haven't read it...you should.
It gives a very clear description of the terrors that children institutionalized in eastern Europe face. My husband and I both liked being able to see a little more clearly the mentality of baby house workers toward kids with special needs and towards authority. I think it has helped me to allow more grace and forgiveness into my heart for them. HOWEVER it is still hard to read. I told my husband that it was hard for me to read, and he said that I should focus on the fact that this child gets adopted at the end. But then through tears I said, maybe that would be possible if I didn't know that NO MORE CHILDREN are being ADOPTED from RUSSIA NOW!
The ban of Russian Adoptions to the United States was very big news. What you might now know is that this ban has affected families who were already in process. Meaning, there were families that had already visited their children, who had already paid thousands of dollars, who suddenly were told they could NOT continue the process to bring their child home. I don't even want to think about how I would feel if at this point in the process Bulgaria said to me, well, sorry it is over, you can't bring Simon home. Instead he will continue to live in the institution for the rest of his life...no wait, actually just for a couple more years before we transfer him to a mental institution where he will be so grossly abused and neglected that he will die. We just really want to send your government our message. WHAT???
The message that has been sent is LOUD and clear, Putin doesn't care at ALL about these kids. I do, do you? It doesn't feel like there is too much we can do. But if you have a facebook account you can go to this page and "like" it. If you read through it you will find that the 300 families who are stuck in the process have been doing all they can to fight it. If you live in certain states you might be able to help by talking to your senator....especially a senator that hasn't shown support for these families....YET!
https://www.facebook.com/pages/300-Broken-Promises/455788397829850?ref=ts&fref=ts
(you will probably have to copy and paste this link :))
Also please watch this http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/darkmatterlove/the-dark-matter-of-love-joins-the-fight-to-free-th-0 it actually explains why the adoption ban was put in place. It is a promo video for a documentary that could really raise enough awareness to change things. Please support them financially if you are able.
Pray for the children of Russia....it is all we can do now. Please do read this book as well...it will give you some deeper understanding of the system we are fighting. And watch the documentary, maybe even have a gathering at your house to show it. Raise awareness of this situation...don't let anyone forget that these kids are being used politically and are being prevented from joining loving familles.
It gives a very clear description of the terrors that children institutionalized in eastern Europe face. My husband and I both liked being able to see a little more clearly the mentality of baby house workers toward kids with special needs and towards authority. I think it has helped me to allow more grace and forgiveness into my heart for them. HOWEVER it is still hard to read. I told my husband that it was hard for me to read, and he said that I should focus on the fact that this child gets adopted at the end. But then through tears I said, maybe that would be possible if I didn't know that NO MORE CHILDREN are being ADOPTED from RUSSIA NOW!
The ban of Russian Adoptions to the United States was very big news. What you might now know is that this ban has affected families who were already in process. Meaning, there were families that had already visited their children, who had already paid thousands of dollars, who suddenly were told they could NOT continue the process to bring their child home. I don't even want to think about how I would feel if at this point in the process Bulgaria said to me, well, sorry it is over, you can't bring Simon home. Instead he will continue to live in the institution for the rest of his life...no wait, actually just for a couple more years before we transfer him to a mental institution where he will be so grossly abused and neglected that he will die. We just really want to send your government our message. WHAT???
The message that has been sent is LOUD and clear, Putin doesn't care at ALL about these kids. I do, do you? It doesn't feel like there is too much we can do. But if you have a facebook account you can go to this page and "like" it. If you read through it you will find that the 300 families who are stuck in the process have been doing all they can to fight it. If you live in certain states you might be able to help by talking to your senator....especially a senator that hasn't shown support for these families....YET!
https://www.facebook.com/pages/300-Broken-Promises/455788397829850?ref=ts&fref=ts
(you will probably have to copy and paste this link :))
Also please watch this http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/darkmatterlove/the-dark-matter-of-love-joins-the-fight-to-free-th-0 it actually explains why the adoption ban was put in place. It is a promo video for a documentary that could really raise enough awareness to change things. Please support them financially if you are able.
Pray for the children of Russia....it is all we can do now. Please do read this book as well...it will give you some deeper understanding of the system we are fighting. And watch the documentary, maybe even have a gathering at your house to show it. Raise awareness of this situation...don't let anyone forget that these kids are being used politically and are being prevented from joining loving familles.
A not so exciting update
So the longer that I have gone without blogging the more the harder it seems to find something to say. In light of the fact I don't have anything profound to tell you, I have decided the least I can do is give you an update. The June pick up date that we were all praying for seems to have not happened. I realize that June is not over but the stage we are at in this process dictates that even if things started moving again, we would not be able to travel in June.
I think I am taking this news in stride. I hope that I am. I have told myself from the beginning that I can't really control this process, as much as I would like to, and so I have to let go. I also know that Simon doesn't really know what sort of changes await him so it isn't like he is sitting there feeling utterly neglected by me. This week I got a wonderful blessing as a woman visiting Simon's orphanage saw him a few times and was able to give me very positive reports. It is always nice to hear that someone saw your child. She said he smiled, and that she held his hand briefly, and I nearly cried.
I found out his week the exact delay in my process. So I am sharing it with you in hopes that you will join me in praying for its resolution. About a month ago a new minister of Justice was put in place in Bulgaria. Aparently, and I don't pretend to understand fully how all this works, that change over meant that there needed to be new vice minister of justice as well. Well, they haven't put a new vice minister of justice in place yet, and sadly, that is the person that I need to sign my paperwork. In fact that is the person who is in charge of all international adoptions in Bulgaria. My lawyer said she has been, "biting her nails for a while now". Which is really NEVER good to hear.
So please pray for a new VICE minister of Justice to be put into place in Bulgaria and for our adoption to start moving along. When we were there in March our lawyer said she was very confident that we would have our court date BEFORE the courts shut down in Bulgaria for, what I am calling, summer break. This break is mid-july to mid august. So we also need prayers that our court date happens before the shut down otherwise we will just be waiting for an additional month :(
I think I am taking this news in stride. I hope that I am. I have told myself from the beginning that I can't really control this process, as much as I would like to, and so I have to let go. I also know that Simon doesn't really know what sort of changes await him so it isn't like he is sitting there feeling utterly neglected by me. This week I got a wonderful blessing as a woman visiting Simon's orphanage saw him a few times and was able to give me very positive reports. It is always nice to hear that someone saw your child. She said he smiled, and that she held his hand briefly, and I nearly cried.
I found out his week the exact delay in my process. So I am sharing it with you in hopes that you will join me in praying for its resolution. About a month ago a new minister of Justice was put in place in Bulgaria. Aparently, and I don't pretend to understand fully how all this works, that change over meant that there needed to be new vice minister of justice as well. Well, they haven't put a new vice minister of justice in place yet, and sadly, that is the person that I need to sign my paperwork. In fact that is the person who is in charge of all international adoptions in Bulgaria. My lawyer said she has been, "biting her nails for a while now". Which is really NEVER good to hear.
So please pray for a new VICE minister of Justice to be put into place in Bulgaria and for our adoption to start moving along. When we were there in March our lawyer said she was very confident that we would have our court date BEFORE the courts shut down in Bulgaria for, what I am calling, summer break. This break is mid-july to mid august. So we also need prayers that our court date happens before the shut down otherwise we will just be waiting for an additional month :(
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)